Needing advice from you all!
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Needing advice from you all!
| Wed, 03-22-2006 - 9:02pm |
I met a guy online and so far, everything has been great. We've been dating for 1 1/2 months, and I really have no complaints. We get along well, have great chemistry, have alot in common, he's got a good head on his shoulders...blah, blah, blah. BUT....I just found out the other night that he's still on the dating sites looking at girls and "bookmarking" some into his favorites. When confronting him with this, he said that it's just been a habit for so long (looking at profiles on dating sites), that he's continued it even though we're dating. But says it means nothing. He said he hasn't contacted any of these girls (and from his match.com email, he hadn't). He says it's just a habit and puts girls into his favorites list because "just in case we don't work out" and also for the fact that we've only been going on 1 1/2 months. Am I overreacting, or do you all think this guy is taking me for a ride???

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We met approx. 2 months ago online, and were just "friends", hanging out etc. for about 2 weeks. At that point, we both decided to take it to dating, but he said at that point that he was dating another person and didn't want it to be exclusive with me yet. Within a few days of us being together, however, and me expressing my uneasiness with him dating another girl, he broke it off with this other girl. He said they weren't serious anyways and she wasn't a girlfriend..they were just dating. Didn't seem like a big deal. We were beginning to get a little more physical (not having sex yet) and while we were, I stated again that I was uncomfortable with not being exclusive if we were going to be physical. He then said he was ready to be exclusive. As I'm writing this, I'm beginning to feel like a fool! : ) So I guess I was the one that definitely brought up the exclusive part.
After that talk re: exclusivity, we didn't bring it up again. I ASSUMED that it meant we dating each other only and we're searching for others to date. This is how I found out he was on dating sites. Well, let me back track. My last boyfriend, which was a few years ago, I found out a few years INTO the relationship that he was a PORN ADDICT. I'm talking major addiction. I eventually broke things off with him, but it was VERY heartbreaking to me. So...when I started dating this new guy, I looked in his history on his computer to make sure he wasn't in to porn as well.
Good new...absolutely NO porn. Bad news...lots of dating sites!!!
I then started feeling "cheated" on, and started looking through the temporary internet files to see exactly what he's been doing on the dating sites. This is where I found out he's spending (sometimes) an hour a day on these sites, viewing NUMEROUS profiles.
How I confronted him: I wasn't planning on telling him at first that I did this (the snooping). I was just going to tell him this wasn't working out for me and break it off. I assumed he would get very mad and defensive and didn't want to take that route. Well, he didn't get mad or defensive and genuinely seemed confused at why I was breaking it off. I decided to tell him everything I had done. To my surprise, he wasn't mad or defensive at that either. He said he felt a little violated but understood where I was coming from because of my past. He told me he knew I had full access to his computer and wasn't trying to hide anything (otherwise he could have locked down his computer).
He's asking me now how he can gain my trust back and try to keep this together. I'm not sure I can trust him now...since like someone else stated, who's to say he's going to stop looking, even if he tells me he will stop...
Ahhh!!! Men.... ; )
PM,
Thanks for your response. You had said alot of insightful things I had not thought of. By the way, I'm in the Phoenix area too! ; ) (East Mesa)... Anyways, I answered some of your questions in another response I just made (someone's response that was agreeing with you)...
You are right on (and I hadn't thought about it) that it probably is best for the man to bring up exclusive dating. I assumed he would want to be exclusive too, since all seemed to be going great. Why would he want to risk the chance of losing me, right??!! ; )
Yes, we probably got too close, too fast, before I had a chance to really know his character over time. Trust hasn't been established yet. I guess I thought that would be developed during our relationship. But I felt I needed to know he wasn't dating others to feel safe and secure enough to date him. I'm not looking to hook up...I'm 34 years old and looking to get married - when the right one comes along. I've never been married and really want to do things right.
I like your statment also of it just being one person trying to be possessive when both are not fully agreeing on the exclusive issue.
Thank you all for your advise. This has really helped me in making my decision.
Just to play devil's advocate, I got the "I have nothing to hide" speech several times from an ex who I now refer to as "The Liar". Some liars will hide behind apparent openness and are VERY good at manipulation. I'm not saying that is FOR SURE the case with your guy, but just don't be taken in by him saying that.
I personally feel very strongly that a man who WANTS to be exclusive with a particular woman, even if it's early on, doesn't continue to have profiles up on dating sites (or he at least hides them or makes them unsearchable or whatever). He definitely doesn't spend so much looking at profiles, IMO. So I would proceed *VERY* cautiously if I were you.
Did he say he'd hide his profiles/stop looking after your talk, btw? Just curious.
Sheri
Yes, I know what you mean by hiding behind apparent openness. He has hidden his profile. The only way I was about to see his profile is that when I got in to his temporary internet files, and clicked on some of the links, it brought me right in to his account. From there, I was able to see that he has hidden his account, so only people he emails can see his profile. I was able to see if he actually emailed anyone, and he had only sent one email, which was sent back when we first were getting to know each other, so I disregarded it.
No, he didn't say he'd stop looking at the dating sites after we spoke. He asked what I'd need from him to gain back the trust, and I said just for him to be open with me and let me know who's in his life (he seems to have a lot of friends that are girls)... He kind of caught me off guard with the question, so I didn't have time to think about it. Later on in the discussion however, I did ask him if he's going to continue looking, and he just kind of smile/laughed and didn't give me an answer....
Tell me again why we put up with men????
Have you discussed exclusivity? You have only dated over a month and that's not a long time for him to stop doing what he is doing, however; his saying it's a habit concerns me. If you haven't had the discussion regarding not dating other people then I would and see what he says. If he says exclusive and he continues he's not being honest with you.
F
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