Nervous About Online Dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Nervous About Online Dating
5
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 8:10pm

I have signed up with Yahoo and Match and I am currently exchanging e-mails with one guy from each site. I have a lot in common with both guys, who seem very nice. I've been exchanging e-mails with one guy for a week now. He casually brought up the idea of meeting. I told him I wasn't quite ready to meet and suggested continuing our conversations for a little while longer and go from there. He was totally agreeable to this. With the other guy, we have just starting IMing. Only problem is that he doesn't have a pic, but we really have a lot in common, especially music preferences, which I am excited about because I don't meet to many people (even friends) who listen to the same stuff as me. I guess I'm just not all that familiar with online dating etiquette. Is there an appropriate length of time before meeting someone? Inquiring about meeting after a week seems too soon to me. Also, I want to question someone about their smoking habit, but I don't want to cross the line. Would it be okay to ask this question to someone you would like to meet?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 10:42pm

Welcome to the wacky world of OLD (online dating), and to this board!

I personally prefer to meet in person ASAP (after exchanging a handful of emails and maybe talking on the phone once or twice) because I've found that it's really hard to tell if you're going to hit it off until you meeting in person. I like meeting for coffee for the first meet...it's low key, and there's not a big time investment if you don't hit it off.

Not having a pic...hmm. I don't understand how people think they're going to do OLD without one, and it's not all that hard to get one these days, so I'm a little skeptical of anyone who doesn't have one. But it sounds like you might be ok with meeting him as a friend who shares your musical tastes, so maybe in this case, it's not that big a deal...

As far as smoking habits...that should be covered in the guy's profile. Does he not say anything about it, or what?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 11:45pm

Welcome to the board and OLD (online dating)!

There is no "set" time that's right or wrong to wait to meet, but in my experience, the longer you wait, the more expectations you have about how great someone is and how much you like them. 99% of the time, online meets don't turn into chemistry in real person so it's better to meet as quickly as possible to avoid getting your expectations too high and being disappointed when they don't turn out to be like this ideal that you have built.

Well, after conversing for a couple emails with a guy that eventually sent me two pictures of the back of his head, one semi-profile shot of him playing with a baby and a shot of a little girl that obviously was NOT him, I can believe that someone wouldn't have a great picture. But for me, that's a red flag. When this guy sent me these stupid pics, I sent him an email telling him no thanks. It was like pulling teeth to get these ones so I should have known better. But I will not meet anyone without seeing a picture first. Sorry, but physical attraction is important and while someone can grow more attractive if they have a great personality, you can't become not ugly! There has to be something there to begin with.

As for smoking, I'm with Sheri. That should be in the profile - both Match and Yahoo have that in the "About Me" sections. If it's not filled out, it's perfectly appropriate to ask if you have a strong inclination one way or the other. You can say, "Hey, I noticed on the Smoking Habit section you said "I'll tell you later". So are you a smoker?" No problem - it's not crossing a line, it's something that is important to know!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 9:17pm
I haven't come across too much positive feedback regarding any online dating site. Now you're saying, in theory, that 99 percent of online meets don't turn into chemisty. So, what the heck is point of trying online dating if there's a 1 percent chance you'll meet someone you click with? Not really worth spending the money, don't you think? Thank you for your response, though. I'll see how things pan out with the two people I'm communicating with now and after that, I'm calling it quits.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 9:35pm

You need to do what feels best to you. But since you asked for advice, and having had some experience with online dating, I've come to the conclusion that long drawn out email conversations usually lead to disappointment. While it's always good to be cautious, making sure you have a few things in common and have a general "good vibe" before meeting, prolonging an in-person meeting can do a few things:

a. Fantasy- The mind has an interesting way of projecting an image of people that, often times, isn't true to life.

b. He becomes impatient and loses interest. Reason? He thinks you aren't that serious, or are being TOO cautious. Plenty other receptive fish in the sea.

Granted, this isn't always the case, but it does happen. A lot.

As for the smoking issue, if it's not something you want in a potential partner, better to find out sooner than later. Myself, I don't date smokers and wouldn't hesitate to ask about it. It's important! If he doesn't like it, not your problem.

Best to approach online dating with a sense of humor, and not keep expectations too high. No doubt, there will be some disappointment along the way. There's a bit of sifting involved. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 10:06am

No, if you think about it, you are simply increasing your chances of meeting people. Real-life dating is hard - at least it is for me. I simply do not meet ANYONE in real life worth dating. At least with online dating, I am getting out there, meeting many, many more guys than I might otherwise. And yes, 99% of them do not work out, but it only takes one. Also, say you meet 10 people from online - there is no way that you are going to connect with all 10 and in fact it's better that way. I've found that OLD has helped me better define both what I DO and DON'T want.

The 99% number comes simply from the fact that you are increasing the number of people that you meet. Just like every real life relationship doesn't work out, neither does every online relationship. But the more people you meet, the more chance you have of meeting a great person. How much luck are you having in real life? If it's not been much, what can trying OLD for a while hurt?

But I stick by my advice, the longer you talk, the more chance you have of being disappointed b/c you are building up this "ideal" in your mind of the persona that this guy is giving you. He might turn out to be exactly like that but more often than not, the real life person is not the same as they were online.

Lastly, I'm sorry if my comment got you discouraged. But OLD is HARD!!! Most people do NOT fall in love with the very first person they meet online. Many of us have tried it for some time - we've all met great people and some not so great people. Some of us have had long-term relationships, found the loves of our lives and a few engagements have happened or are about to happen just from regulars on this board! And some of us are still looking. But how different is that from real life? But I did say what I did to make you think realistically. You may meet one of these guys and fall in love on sight. But there's a good chance you won't. You have to keep positive and get back out there if these ones don't work out. OLD is a numbers game - the more you meet, the more likely you are to meet a great guy.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo