Never been married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Never been married?
64
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 7:18pm

Something that another poster pointed out started me thinking and I'd like your input on it... (I won't name the poster unless she comes forward and says it was her since I dont' want to call anyone out...)


But here goes... if a man (or woman) has not been married by the age of 35, do you think that's an indicator that he/she cannot hold down a long-term relationship that will result in marriage?


Curious about your thoughts...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 9:11am

HERE is an interesting circumstance/case study -

My best friend is 43, like me. She has never been married. Her last serious relationship was nearly 10 years ago and he was the third in a string of alcoholic, passive agressive gentlemen (used loosely) who also popped antidepressants like breath mints. (Yes, she understands that SHE is the variable...)

She is the Creative Director at a mid-level advertising agency in a major metropolitan area, has won numerous creative awards, is obviously financially independent, attractive, height/weight proportionate (she's actually quite thin, but I didn't want to start another weight-focussed thread..), fashionable, has written several novels that she is trying to get published and does 10K races nearly every weekend. In short, she is a "catch" as my boyfriend says -- she is definitely one of those "how is it you have not been snapped up yet?" gals. (I guess you've got to be able to keep up with her...! :-)

She has just started dating a 49-year old who has been married 3 times and has a 9-year old daughter. Talk about a lifestyle clash. Everything I hear about him reeks of "PLAYER", but with no experience under her belt, she has no frame of reference for these things.

BOTH OF THEM are possible red flags. I'm curious to see what will happen. So far they are head over heels... they are breaking all of the "take it slow," "don't spend too much time together..." rules.

Here's a thought -- can you be married three times and still be a commitmentphobe?? I tend to think so...

Sorry so long; too much coffee this morning, perhaps!

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 9:31am
After reading all the posts, I have to remind myself of something that I knew, but forgot. It takes all kinds to make up this world, and there's lots of different people with lots of different quirks, hang-ups, call them what you will, we ALL have them! I think the trick is to find someone whose personality quirks and flaws you can live with. I.e., for me, a very dominant, controlling quality would be a deal-breaker, but someone who's been in several relationships, it would depend on why, it might be fine!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 9:31am

I know two single guys who are 39 and have never been married, and another who is in his early 40's and also has never been married.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 10:38am

Geez, I never thought I would be a red flag! Too funny.

I am 47 never married. The father of my children and I talked about getting married but I couldn't bring myself to do it. He was and still is a dedicated parent, but was a lousy partner.

I can't recall anyone asking me why I haven't ever married. And if they did I would have to say it's because I never felt a strong enough urge to walk down the aisle. Why, I don't know, because I am 100% monogomous!

As to men who are in their 40s and never married, I just assume they had their reasons, like I have mine.

Now that I am pushing 50, if I got married it would be for the pure fun of it. New question: is there fun to be had in marriage? I don't see too many others laughing it up. I guess I'll have to start a new trend! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 11:04am

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Seamus, so well said!!! I couldn't agree more. Most likely by the age of 40 several "right girls" crossed his path:) I see so many men in their late 30's and early 40's that will never commit and I don't care what excuse they come up with. By the age of 40 or so their bachelor behaviour is so well established that no "right girl" can possibly be right enough for Mr. Goodcatch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 11:09am
Is that also how you feel about women who are in their 30's or 40's who have never been married?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 11:17am

I haven't read the rest of the posts yet but had to respond when I read this. There used to be a stigma against divorced people but that stigma is gone (probably because divorce is so common now). However, the stigma has definitely been transferred to people like me (44 - as of today :( and never married. I've had more than one first meet guy ask me before we even ordered our first drink why I've never been married. I hate it because it puts me on the defensive immediately. I usually babble something about not meeting the right person, moving around a lot in my 20s (all true) but I really hate being asked that, which is why I don't ask guys the same question.

This is a touchy subject for me (thanks for bringing it up, brooklynchick, I think :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 11:17am

>bachelor behaviour is so well established that no
>"right girl" can possibly be right enough for Mr. Goodcatch.

That's not true. There are only two qualities I look for--Sexy and Obedient.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 11:18am
Oh, oink!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 11:20am
Hi Amjay, I think it would be safe to summarize "been married" and "lived together" under one umbrella, well, at least in my eyes it's the same thing. My definition of "never married" is someone that never seems to be able to settle down with anyone for a long period of time (2 years or more).
Also, for what it worth here, I think there is a difference in why most 40 something yo men didn't marry as opposed to women. In most cases - men are the one that do the asking as well as you hear all the stories (I am a living proof of it) when a man breaks it off with a girl because they didn't want to commit. To sum it up - a girl that was never married isn't exactly the same thing as a man who was never married. Maybe I am being old fashioned here and for that I apologize in advance.


Edited 10/15/2005 11:25 am ET by ivos2004

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