Never married,/no kids after 45?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2005
Never married,/no kids after 45?
12
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 2:50pm

Hi,

I have been chatting with a few men from match. They are over 45 years of age (one is 57) who have never been married. No children. Do any of you have theories as to why that is? One of them is a hunk and a half...I might meet him tonight.

Bunny

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 3:15pm
Well, one of my best friends is 42 and we have known each other since 8th grade. I mentioned him in my post you responded to. Anyway, he has never been married and there are very good reasons why. That may not apply to everyone, but it would make me kinda leery if they haven't been married by 40. But, no harm in checking him out!
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 3:17pm
There are a number of theories. They could be players, commitment-phobes or jerks. They could have been focused on their career. They could have met the woman of their dreams and spent 10 years chasing her only to have HER be a commitmentphobe. Or they could have just not found the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with. I personally HATE that question when someone asks me "So why have you never been married?" or as one guy recently asked "You've REALLY never been married?!?" (I'm 35 by the way so IMO, too young to be getting THAT!). But if you want to ask, you can put it in a complimentary way of "You are such a great guy! What's kept you single for so long?" kind of thing. Because the only way to know about these particular guys is to get it from them.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 4:39pm

I'm 45 and never married. I dated and was engaged to the wrong guy for a lot of years. I used to feel like a freak because I was not married. There still seems to be some social stigma for being over 40 and never having been married. However, I'd much rather be in that position in life than how most of my counterparts are who have been married & divorced 2-3 times. Society does not seem to bat an eye if someone is divorced several times though.

The guy I'm dating now is twice divorced and so far, I believe he's a really good guy. Unless his personality changes drastically for the worse, I plan on sticking with him. He told me some things about his marriages, and while I don't believe he was faultless, it did sound like he was simply with the wrong woman both times.

I felt like I was a jinx when it came to dating, and think I even said so on this board at one point. Every guy I was interested in was not interested in me enough to pursue things towards a relationship. After so many years with the wrong guy, I couldn't believe how hard it was to meet single, eligible men who might be interested in dating.

I was thinking about this today. I believe "timing is everything". I think things could work out with a number of different people in our lives, but if the timing is off, then it never comes to be. I think even some of my previous dating disappointments might have turned out differently had we met at another time or circumstances were different for one or both of us. So many things can affect chemistry/attraction, that it's anyone's guess why it works sometimes and why it doesn't work at other times.

My Mom still believes that things happen for a reason and that if you're supposed to be with someone, that you will eventually find them. However, that is a bit hard to believe when the divorce rate is so high and so many people are lonely and unhappy--sometimes for years. With that in mind, perhaps it isn't so bad to have never been married compared to our divorced friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2005
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 6:11pm

Thanks for your responses everyone. I'll keep an open mind.

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 6:39pm
Hi,
I hate to generalize, but I have noticed some similarities among the never married men. I am sure there are exceptions, but they usually just don't 'get it' on many levels...that's it's not all about them. Sorry, men, I don't mean to offend, just my own experience so far.
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 12:04am

a. player
b. commitment phobe
c. good intentions, bad luck
d. lives with parents
e. too immature to settle down
f. always ISO the BBD

g. Hasn't met the right gal yet

Though a guy with the stats you mention might raise an eyebrow for me, I wouldn't necessarily hold it against him. Everyone is unique, after all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 6:27am
hello i was curious?...what does F.always ISO the BBD mean?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 7:21am
Careers were more important, not that interested in marriage and kids, never found the right girl to marry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 7:34am

I'm 44 and never been married and like vexer, I get very annoyed when someone interrogates me about it, especially on a first date which has happened several times. Mitsy is right; there's more of a stigma against someone who's never been married as opposed to those who have been divorced multiple times.

That said, I have noticed that men over 40 who have never been married, or were married briefly, seem to enjoy being single, living alone, doing what they want when they want. The worst are the ones who seem to really want a relationship, esp. at first, but when push comes to shove, there's no way they're going to change their lifestyle for anyone.

Decades ago society really pushed people to get married and much of that pressure is gone. Single women still feel some pressure, mainly from other women, but I think for men, any societal pressure that existed is gone and a lot of them are perfectly happy to live in an adolescent paradise with their big screen TVs tuned to ESPN 24-7.

Um, not that I'm thinking of one guy in particular, LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 7:46am

But seems to be a stigma attached to both sexes. Whereas women there seems to be a "she hasn't found a good man" poor thing... for men there seems to be a stigma that he's a player or a committment phobe...isn't it weird what we label people.

I HATE LABELS! BLECH!

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