Never snoop unless you are prepared for

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Never snoop unless you are prepared for
58
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:11pm

what you may find.


I could kick myself. It was a momentary lapse in ... well, everything I want to be! (honest, adult, not sneaky) ... & when Carlos was in the shower this morning at my house, I looked at his text messages. Pure & simple, I snooped. & I didnt like what I found.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:58pm

I agree with what everyone else has said so far.


The next course of action seems to be ...you should follow through with finishing that convo he started. It seems you abruptly ended the conversation out of fear, and honestly, I feel that your answer to him ("I know better...") was a little self degrading. It's almost like you are choosing the bad ending by that comment instead of exploring where the conversation could lead.


Just point blank ASK him "What expectations do you think I have?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 11:24pm
Thanks so much. (i had to lol at "saga" ... ) Ah well, lets hope somehow its a GOOD saga!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 11:31pm

Ya know, I thought of that after - saying what i did about "knowing better".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 11:52pm

Rebecca,

I definitely agree with the others that you do need to talk to him. I've been reading your posts and Carlos sounds like a really great guy.

It does kind of sound like he may have some commitmentphobe issues but he also sounds like he really likes you. Kinda confusing that one! My only concern is that he hasn't brought up the exclusivity talk again now that you are further into the relationship. In my opinion, 6 months is kind of a long time to date without being exclusive, but if it has been working for you up until now thats what matters. It could be that he is waiting for you to bring it up again since the last time he brought it up you said you weren't ready. But, the fact that he did bring it up a few months ago definitely sounds like he has thought about it and may be open to exclusivity.

I hope things go well for you and turn out the way you want. You seem like a great person who deserves so much.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 12:38am
My 2 cents is that we are always wanting to have "the talk," and there's no reason to. I'm sorry to be blunt, but when a man sincerely wants to be exclusive and eventually marry a woman, and is emotionally available to do, there is no reason to wait, wonder, and hope that the talk happens, because he would have already brought it up and be trying to convince her that he's worth rearranging her life for. This Carlos guy seems to understand the situation and senses that a talk should happen, but he's dodging the ball. Those random "I'm afraid I don't meet your expectations" comments are his way of saying he doesn't want to have the talk, doesn't want to be exclusive, and, despite perhaps wanting marriage in theory, does not want it in practice (ie - commitment phobe). Why should a pretty, smart woman (or any woman, really) have to go through the angst and embarrassment of angling for a discussion that will, sadly, probably not go where she wants it to? I truly hope I am wrong. And if I am, and the guy has sincere intentions, he doesn't sound like the type that will respond well to a "talk." I think she should briefly express what she wants and then be unavailable for several days, maybe even a week. Men who are dodging the bullet usually only come around when they feel they have truly lost the woman. It is sad, but a skittish man doesn't usually say, "Great, now that we've had this talk, let's be exclusive and date while seriously considering marriage in the future." He either wants to or doesn't. I think any guy that causes a woman in her 30s more than 1 day of anxiety or questions isn't worth the trouble.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 1:13am
I'm wishing you luck with the talk. I know you will be able to present your "case" well lol. I have no doubts about this, especially now that you are becoming more clear that this is in fact what you want. I say use these couple of weeks to think more and really come up with an opening line or how you want to present it and to let the idea of having the talk settle in with you, maybe prepare yourself mentally for it to go either way. No matter what happens I know you'll be fine, you have your head on your shoulders that's for sure. I think there definately is a chance that Carlos will decide to take the leap, but if he doesn't he would be a fool for letting someone like you go. Rest assured that whatever happens is meant to happen and with any door that closes a better one usually opens as been in my experiences.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 8:40am
Amen on that. I was thinking the same thing, but could not express it quite as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 9:45am

Yikes Rebecca!

Well...I would advise to tread lightly...its could be a mine field...But it has been my experience to be sure that you want the truth and can handle the honesty when snooping or asking those pointed and probing questions.

Typically - I am not a cynic. But I am prepared to hear the WORST when I ask that question such as "Where do I fit in", "Where are we going in this..."...

Also, to be perfectly honest - you have had the opportunity to meet others...is Carlos aware of that? Perhaps he is just testing the waters...I would go with your gut feeling on this - its been my experience that it is not typically wrong....

Cheers
Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 9:47am

I have to add that I don't agree with Natalie on this. I think this guy might be dodging the "talk" but not for the same reasons. My gut is telling me that he fears that "you" are not as sure about "him" being the one, so in order for "him" not to get hurt, he has not brought up any talk about the future for fear of you saying that you want to date others. The sooner you get this out in the open the better. Oh, and before I forget, I think I would not mention seeing the text messages. In fact, I'm not sure I'd ever bring that one up. My instincts are telling me that that issue won't matter a whole lot anyway after you've had your discussion. I don't think I'd borrow trouble there. Just let it be and forgive yourself for doing it and try to put it in the past.

You seem to be falling for this guy, you have fantastic sex and he seems to like your daughter. He seems to have a lot less baggage than many guys I've gone out with or heard about. He makes my prospects look quite unappealing in comparison. Go for it and let us know what he says. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 11:05am
I have followed Rebecca's story with Carlos and I agree with those who said there's absolutely no need to tell him that she saw the text messages. What would that achieve? This is beside the point at the moment. I have to be honest and say that if it were me, I would be just as reluctant to bring up the whole 'where is this going' thing. In my experience, when something IS going somewhere there's never any need for a woman to ask. My advice to Rebecca would be to 'wait and see'. Give it more time, a month, two months. However long she feels is right for her. After her last post, I am getting the feeling that the problem here is that this man is 46. He is very very set in his ways, he leads a quiet life with little 'personal' stress, and as infatuated as he seems to be with Rebecca, he is reluctant to create any sort of unsettlement and problems in his life - afer all, wasn't he the one who brought up the exclusivity talk first but then backed off once she very honestly revealed all about her ex-h and the horrors associated with him? Oh and just to say, here in Europe (UK) exclusivity is pretty much assumed from the very start of a relationship, never mind after intimacy has occured. Here, after seeing someone as regularly and as seemingly seriously as they have been for 6!! months (and being intimate with each other) and then going on even a date with someone else would be considered cheating, regardless of whether the couple have talked about 'exclusivity' or not.