Never snoop unless you are prepared for

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Never snoop unless you are prepared for
58
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:11pm

what you may find.


I could kick myself. It was a momentary lapse in ... well, everything I want to be! (honest, adult, not sneaky) ... & when Carlos was in the shower this morning at my house, I looked at his text messages. Pure & simple, I snooped. & I didnt like what I found.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 11:45am

For myself, I cannot date two guys at the same time. It just would not work for me. Sex for me is only within committed relationships and that means no dating anyone else (for either of us). If that is not the case, then the sex ain't gonna happen with me. I consider sex an add-on of commitment even if others don't agree with me. I don't give it away too quickly and will give it even slower the next time as I can't handle the hurt if the relationship doesn't last. I can't do casual sex and I know I'm not in the minority on this.

I have always thought the likelihood of a committed and long-term relationship happening was almost nil if you jumped in the sack too soon. At least that has been what I have heard from a number of people. The type of guy I would be interested in long-term would not want a woman who could do sex just for the sake of doing it. Maybe some can pull this off without any wounds, but I know I certainly cannot.

Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 11:53am
This thread is also along the lines of, "If you can't handle all the possible answers, don't ask the question." Been there, done that. Good luck with the talk, but do NOT tell him you were snooping!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 12:22pm

I'm curious why you think it's appropriate to be dishonest?

Sheri

Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 12:27pm
What possible help would telling him bring to the situation? Granted, if she's that wracked with guilt, then she should confess...but I think it would be a needless admission. We've all done little things that aren't always the right thing, yet do we always reveal them? The situation is not a secure one...they are both fishing for some kind of security but neither one wants to take the first step. I wouldn't be surprised if he's done a similar thing since he seems just as insecure about her feelings for him. I wouldn't do it...just needless hurt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 12:36pm
I disagree that not bringing anything up at all is the answer here. As another month or two or more go by, she will grow increasingly attached. Avoiding the issue is not going to solve the problem. It just increases it exponentially. Yes, I agree with the thought that if he wanted it to go somewhere, he probably would have brought it up and would not be making the comments of "I think I won't meet your expectations". THAT said, when the guy doesn't bring it up, I think as women, we need to watch out for our own feelings and expectations. Just sitting around for another couple months waiting for him to bring it up will make it worse down the line when he does and they may not be on the same page. Just because there should be no need for the woman to ask doesn't mean that sometimes it's not her responsibility to do so to make sure that she doesn't go even farther down a road that it might not be a good idea for her to have been on in the first place.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 12:45pm

What *good* would it do???? It would eliminate dishonesty which is a relationship and trust killer. How do you have an honest, open relationship if you do something you can't tell your partner about? That makes no sense to me.

Both people in a relationship need to know what behavior the other person is capable of in the context of the relationship. Withholding that information means you're presenting a false impression of yourself and not allowing the other person to truly know who you are and that takes away the person's choice as to whether they want to be with someone who would engage in that behavior.

I think it's only when we have the courage to truly reveal ourselves warts and all that we can be in a truly intimate relationship. Maybe Rebecca can feel Carlos out as to his interest in being exclusive first and if he says no, then there's no need to reveal it if she's going to walk away. But if the relationship is to have any chance of becoming one that is truly intimate there can't be secrets like that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 12:45pm

Totally agree. I cannot fathom dating more than one person at the same time. I do not see the need - I know pretty much after the first couple of dates whether the person is my 'sort of thing' or not. If not, I tell him and date the next. As far as intimacy is concerned, having reached the grand old age of 36 it is super highly unlikely that I would ever again consider being intimate with someone who is not my committed partner. Yes, it was all fun and games and 'wow' in my early twenties; that is in the past, never to return. That is why this whole idea of 'exclusivity' in the US kind of puzzles me a bit, especially when even people of my age and older feel that dating several people at the same time is perfectly fine before 'the talk' has taken place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 12:50pm

Sheri,

Honestly (no pun intended), for a person as intelligent, experienced, educated, professional, articulate and sometimes quite astonishingly insightful as you come across on various boards, I am often puzzled by how rigid your perception of 'truthfulness' and 'dishonesty' is, and how you steadfastly refuse to see that in some cases, the very best and the smartest thing to do is to tell a small 'untruth'. It could NOT be clearer in this particular case.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 12:56pm

In most cases, "dating" means just that...going out to dinner and getting to know the person, not sleeping with them. I'm not really comfortable sleeping with someone without being exclusive, either--but I prefer to take my time and date for a while before taking that step. I've found that it takes more than a couple dates to discover whether a person has the qualities I want--you might think they do early on, but after a month or two it becomes clear that was mostly projection and wishful thinking ;-).

However, Rebecca is comfortable with not being exclusive before sleeping with someone and that's her choice to make. Not everyone is the same in that respect, although I do think it's rarer for women to be ok with having sex before exclusivity is agreed to.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 1:07pm

I understand and appreciate what you're saying, but to me, any deception, no matter how small, is unacceptable (and of course I'm not talking about the surprise birthday party kind of thing).

To me, it's a slippery slope, once you start lying and hiding things...where does it end? If you draw the line at "none", then the line is always clear.

But I think in my case, my strong stance is because I'm a reformed liar. I see how much pain that caused and I don't want to inflict that on anyone ever again. Like a reformed smoker (which I also am ;-)) who can't stand the slightest whiff of cigarette smoke, I now cannot tolerate any untruthfulness in the context of an intimate relationship. I just don't think it has any place in the type of relationship I want to be in. And any time I've allowed that standard to be compromised, I've lived to regret it. So like any of us, we can only speak from our own experiences and mine have led me to this conclusion. So that's where I'm coming from. I can see both sides of the argument, I just think that honesty is essential. But of course it's just one person's opinion.

Sheri