Never snoop unless you are prepared for
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Never snoop unless you are prepared for
| Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:11pm |
what you may find.
I could kick myself. It was a momentary lapse in ... well, everything I want to be! (honest, adult, not sneaky) ... & when Carlos was in the shower this morning at my house, I looked at his text messages. Pure & simple, I snooped. & I didnt like what I found.


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I have been lurking and reading this entire saga and the whole thing seems to have a pretty reasonable and obvious solution. You clearly want to be exclusive with this man-nothing wrong with that, most women cant handle non exclusive relationships with men, especially when there's sex involved. You seem to be trying to convince yourself that you dont want to be exclusive...for what reason I dont know. But I dont see your feelings changing...you are going to get upset about him dating other, it's going to hurt you. That is why i think you need to tell him that you want to be exclusive. If he says no, i personally would walk...but some people might stick around.
I think you owe it to both of you to tell him how you really feel and stop bottling up these feelings and trying to be the tough girl who doesnt need to be exclusive. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
I can understand you snooping...i learned years ago to never ever do that again because i've found things that hurt me...but I understand why you did it. I would not tell him about this. If you keep seeing him and things work out in your favor (or not) i think you could tell him then...but not now...it will just complicate things.
I totally agree with you Sheri.
This snooping is definitely a symptom of a bigger problem and is the catalyst to open up the dialogue that is sorely needed. Yeah it will be uncomfortable to admit she snooped but if she goes to him in a "I did a dumb thing because I'm feel anxious about us and I want to talk about it" I think it will really be just a blip on the radar screen and he'll respect her more for admitting it.
Smile,
Deirdre
I will stand by my previous post which states that I don't think she should reveal what she saw on his phone. I don't think she's a habitual "snooper" nor do I believe that her relationship with Carlos is doomed for failure because she has not told him this. The finding of the text messages was actually a wake-up call for her to talk to him about her feelings and the future with the two of them--I don't see the snooping as something that needs to be brought out into the open--perhaps at any time. I'm all for honesty, but in reality, I don't think it would serve her well if she brought this up. If she does want a future with Carlos, let it lie..forget it happened and vow not to do it again.
Many years ago, I read a letter in Anne Landers column which talked about a woman who had had an affair on her husband. The woman regretted the affair and apparently it was a one-time thing. She realized that she loved her husband and wanted to stay in the marriage. I also believe that she and her husband had a child. She was suffering from guilt, and she wrote Ms. Landers to ask if she should come clean with her infidelity to her husband. Anne wrote back that she should not tell her husband and that the pain this would cause might alleviate some of "her" guilt but it would only add pain and anxiety on her husband. She might sleep better, but he would not. Anne also said that she should learn from this unfortunate incident and vow to remain faithful to her husband if she wanted the marriage to work and that there was never a reason to bring up something like that if it was a one-time thing and was over with.
At the time, I remember thinking that not coming clean about the affair seemed dishonest and insincere. As I got older, I realized that her advice was probably right on. Admitting to the affair would not change the past and as long as she cared about her husband and wanted to remain with him, there was no need to cause him the pain of telling him this.
Rebecca's situation is on a much smaller scale here, but my thoughts about it are the same here. I don't see anything gained by telling what she read on his phone. At the most, he would be quite angry &/or hurt and at the least, he would be less likely to trust her in the future. I'd keep mum about it.
I believe in the Golden Rule so if I do not want to be lied to then I don't lie. Put the shoe on the other foot if you were in his place.
Mark
Interesting. Years ago I would have agreed with that approach but now I think it's unfair to the other partner because it takes away their choice about whether they want to be with someone who is capable of dishonest behavior, whether one time or habitual. To me, it's like treating someone like a child who is incapable of making their own decision.
I'm now a firm believer in the policy of radical honesty that's on the Marriage Builders' website, http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html
And yes, of course it could hurt trust--that's the consquence of engaging in dishonest behavior. But I think owning up to wrongdoing and suffering the consequences is the right thing to do. It's pretty easy to be honest when it has no negative consequences, but integrity, *to me*, is living by your principles even when it's difficult and has negative consequences. Other people may see things differently and I can respect that, I just don't agree.
Obviously, this is something that reasonable people can differ on. I just wanted to show that there is "expert" advice out there that would advocate honesty in this situation to present a different viewpoint.
And to Rebecca, I want to be clear that I'm NOT saying you are a dishonest person with no integrity because you snooped and don't want to tell Carlos. This has become more of a philosophical discussion or at least I am treating it that way. You need to decide what's best for you, by your own personal code and standards. I'm just expressing mine, which is not necessarily going to be right for everyone.
Sheri
Thanks, Mark. Would you mind reading and responding to my current dilemma in my update thread? It's post 21 in that thread--I'll bump it up for you. I'm still leaning towards saying something (even though I'm not doing anything "wrong") but would be interested in your opinion.
Sheri
WOWZA! lol .... It took me ages to catch up on all this ... thank you guys, truly, for all the time you have put into my "issues"!
Ah, good luck - I bet it turns out better than you think ;-) and yes, do what you need to do. Unfortunately some people project their own fears and concerns onto you and in the end it's YOU and YOUR relationship not OURS.
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