new to this

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
new to this
9
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 4:57am
Hi everyone, I'm new to this, but thought i would give it a try. I met this guy online about 6 months ago, he lives in tenn. i live in ohio, there is a big gap between our ages i'm 42 and he's 23.
we met on an online game that we both play, and he asked me if we could talk on yahoo, so we did.
I had my status one day as not looking for a one night stand looking for a life long friend, and he came online and asked if he could be that life long friend.
I expressed my concerns with him about our age differences and the fact that he is still young and would want kids of his own someday something i could never give him.
He said he didn't care about our age differences and he didn't want kids anyway. we talked everyday never missed a day, and everynight before we logged off line he would tell me he was going to go get some sleep and dream of me and that he loved me.
We had been making plans so we could be together but i told him it would be awhile because i had some things to take care of here before i could move. He told me to just let him know whenever i was ready.
The problem i'm having is i don't have a phone number for him, and he was suppose to give me his address but we got to talking about other things and i forgot to get it.
He hasn't been back online since the 20th of june, i've been going crazy not knowing what's going on, or if he's ok. I've also talked to his roommate online and he hasn't been on either.
Anyways my sister asked me to post a message on here and see what kind of advice i might get.
I told him the last time we talked that i was scared of getting hurt again, and he told me that if i was scared walk away. I told him i couldn't it was to late.
So he told me then the only thing he knew to tell me is to follow my heart, so i asked him if i followed my heart could i trust him with it and he said yes as long as he could trust me with his.
I never knew i could have such strong feelings for someone so much younger than me and for someone i've never met for real. we've talked on computer with mic. and seen each other on cam, but it's really not like knowing someone for real.
He had my phone number for about 3 weeks after he went off line then i got it changed, i sent him an e-mail telling him that i got it changed and would give him the new number when we talked again.
He had 3 weeks to call me but didn't???
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 3:04pm

Your story sounds heartbreaking. I think you need to just move on with your life and forget about this guy. It's so easy to get caught up with someone that you haven't met yet. The allure of IMing and emailing is strong, but it's not a real relationship. If you haven't met him, it's not a real relationship yet. In fact, he may not even be 19. He could be a 45 year old married man for all you know ...

He had three weeks to call you and he didn't. If I were you that would tell me all I needed to know. Cut your losses, mourn him and move on, wiser.

Avatar for poetic_guy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 4:13pm

Back when I was trying internet dating I used a service that had a chat aspect.
I quickly noticed a trend: I would make a connection, I thought a very good connection, but then if we stopped and planned to resume the next day it would be lost. It wasnt that I had broken it off, the other person just kept on chatting and found someone else.
I dated two people from that service and it seemed that was because I ended up meeting them face to face the same day I spoke to them on line (which was really weird for me)
The further that person was (geographically) from me the more likely they were to forget about me and move on.
I developed a few rules, really only one when you think about it:
1. the internet (email, chat whatever) is not real life, its fake, its a fantasy, real life is what counts.
2. Nothing wrong with meeting someone on the internet but the goal is to get to dating in real life as soon as possible because its what counts (see rule 1). Because of my experience being burned I never consider it real until ive been on an actual date.
3. Long distance relationships never work and work even less if its on line (see rule 1)Limit your internet search to local people only.
4. There are tons of people on the internet and it is not difficult to meet people close to you, there isnt just "one" for you, you may have to kiss a few toads before you find your prince (and he is not your prince).
I am just an average looking but nice guy, I found that it seemed to be one in 10 people i met I would date again or would date me again.

How can you care so much for someone you have never actually met and never spent real time with ? In a way you have this idealistic romantic picture of a guy you didnt really get to know or meet in person.

I was burned like you were the first time I got on line but it was for me and is for you a live and learn experience, you sound like a great person and you deserve better than this.
And I bet you could find what your looking for.

I also see nothing wrong with the age difference per se, although you already hit on a big one (he has never had a family and you have been there done that) but I would not chalk up his behaviour to his age, men and women of all ages pull the same kind of thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 8:32pm

bump.

Great post, pg! These points have been made to just about every newbie who comes to the board. Few of them will believe that they don't have a relationship with a guy if they haven't met.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 1:31am
Thank you for your reply, and your advise. I do know that it's not a real relationship until you have accually met and started dating, but i thought that was what we were working our way up to.
I don't really know how i allowed myself to care so much for him, but like i said we talked everyday.
we didn't just talk on messenger we also viewed each other on cams so it's not like we never seen each other.
i believe that you can see alot in a person and how they are by there words and the way they act when talking to you. but do you ever really know anyone?
It's like when you meet someone in real, in person, do you really know them? no. Not as much as you think you might.
You can meet someone start dating them and things go good for quite awhile then they turn into something from out of a horror movie.
I don't know, i've been out of the dating scene for so long now it kind of scares me. I guess i just need to learn how to not allow my heart to take control so quickly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 1:45am

I totally back all posts that have already been made to this message. And completly agree with what they have said. I am 23 so allow me to shed some light.

Men at this age don't know what they want. I always date older men in hopes that they are a little more mature than my peer counterparts. Unfortunatly, this is their maturity at this age. I am going to be honest with you, because that is what I would want. He probably has gone off line for a reason, maybe work, school, etc. But for whatever reason he is avoiding you. It hurts me to tell you this, but I think my age works in your favor. I hate to say it but, he has moved on with whatever is taking priority in his life. I am reluctant to send such a truthful message, but I would want someone on this site to tell me the same if they thought it was the real situation.

So, get back on your site and others. Get out there again. Having faith in love is what we all have. We wouldn't be on this site if we didn't. We wouldn't ask each other for advice if we didn't care about the men that we were having first meets with or a year of meets with. If you keep having faith it will come to you. Better than this guy, and better than you thought.

I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope we all do. But more importantly don't lose that faith. It is out there, go find it. Please keep us posted. We say this frequently, but we really do mean it. Over time, we really do wonder how you specific situation turned out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 9:22am
I really don't believe that maturity always comes with age, Ive met alot of younger guys that act alot more mature than some of the men my own age.
I haven't given up faith in love, but i don't think i'm ready to just jump back in there just yet.
Thank you for your response
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 10:06am

HI SH,

We Southerners tend to be romantics...and that is a good thing!

Like it has been said so perfectly here in the posts before me, jump back in when you are ready, live and learn, and read here often, to see where to step next. These are the Best people on earth for support and honesty; both needed for OLD!

Don't give up...dating IS hard again, I am 49. After 8 months on OLD I met Tall Man and he is the One for me. When someone Does want to be with you, they will find a way and you will NEVER do anxiety 101, as you sadly had to do this time...they will fillin all of the blanks before you ever have time to wonder.

So, go on about your good life, enjoy and excel, and if the right one comes along...cool that! You Will need to put a little bit of 'armadillo armor' around your good heart, it is best to do so! Give it a lot of "oh well" and move forward until a good man gives you Great reason to stop!

Best o luck
Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 10:07am

<< I don't really know how i allowed myself to care so much for him>>

Don't feel bad, I've done the same thing (maybe we all have at one time or another)! One thing I've learned is that people can be completely different offline than online. I myself am much more articulate in writing than in speaking. I can take my time with my written messages, backspace-erase, etc. etc. I'm also more honest online because I don't feel shy like I do in real life.

And you are right, you can never really know someone. However, the first couple of months of a relationship are about getting to know someone as much as possible to see if he/she is the one for you. For me, I watch his behaviour with others, I watch that his words match his deeds; I look for kindness, humour, intelligence.

Love is a crap shoot, but the odds are worse if you don't take things into real life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 11:32pm

deleted for repetativeness...wrote my post before reading others.

"it aint real love until its in real life and even then...well ya know... it still can be a snowjob or just a bj..." < mantra =)




Edited 8/4/2005 11:41 pm ET ET by lizzie1965