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| Thu, 01-11-2007 - 4:05pm |
I am fairly new to this OLD stuff. I signed up at the beginning of last month, have been talking to 2 guys for about 3-4 weeks on the computer and about 2 weeks on the phone. One guy I have met, the other I have not yet. With the holidays and then a planned vacation, we just have not had time yet to meet yet (but plan too by next week). There is also another guy that called me for the first time last night. I am a little confused by comments that the first 2 guys made, that they are not interested in someonde that is dating or even getting to know more than 1 person at a time. Isn't that the point of these types of web sites, to meet various people and see if there is anything there? How can you know without at least meeting someone if there is a possiblity. The one guy that I have met keeps telling me that he likes me, has stopped all communicatino with the other women he had been talking to that he met on-line becuase he wants to get to know me better. I have never told him that I would be willing to do that, he does know that I have e-mailed 2 other guys and that I talk to one of them on the phone. He seemed a little upset and asked how I could keep the conversations straight with who does what and stuff. I told him it was just like talking to more than 1 friend, I can talk to people and be friends with more than 1 person and know what is going on in their lives.
Maybe I just think differently maybe, but I just don't agree with their thinking and their wanting to be the only person I am getting to know. It just doesn't make sense to me...I am on the web-sites to get to know and possibly meet different people. Am I wrong in my thinking?

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I do not think it is an matter of "right" or "wrong." I think it is a matter of preference. One key thing I have learned in dealing with people is that they are not like me. We all come from different backgrounds, environments, families, values, etc. and therefore we all think and act differently. I find that if you remember that then it is a lot easier getting along and communicating with people. You might consider that there are some people who can only date one-at-a-time (serially).
Good luck and welcome,
Mark
No, you're not wrong, and IMO you are being way more practical than these men are. But you are *different* from them, and just as you are entitled to have your own POV on this, so are they. If the guy doesn't want to respect your POV on meeting and dating other people, and you're not comfortable NOT doing that (which I wouldn't be either), then you're just not a good fit for each other.
I always have to laugh when guys say things like that though (about keeping conversations straight)--uh, that's not hard at all, LOL! At least not for me--I wonder if it has something to do with the stereotype of men not being as good at multi-tasking ;-)!
Sheri
Mark,
Thanks for your answers, guess I have been out of the dating scene so long I am trying to get used to all this again. And since you are a guy who answered me, I have another question for you...the one guy that I met, we met for drinks and appetizers at a local restaurant the first night and we had such a good time he asked me to his house for dinner and a movie the next night. I agreed, and we had a good time...until I felt like I was fighting with an octopus on the couch trying to watch the movie. (ok you can stop laughing now!) After stopping him (physically removing his hands) 3 times I finally looked him straight in the face "you can keep trying, but I am going to keep stopping you. I'm telling you right not, it anin't gonna happen" and he laughed and said "well I guess I wouldn't be a guy if I didn't try!"
Have I been out of the dating scene THAT long, that I should expect to deal with that kind of behavior on all 2nd dates?? Or do I just assume the guy is a jerk and only wants one thing? When we talk the phone we laugh and joke and get along great, but eventually he steers the conversation to $ex. Maybe it is just time to end it with this one before it gets any more involved?? I'm just a little nervouse of what to expect with the next guy I meet on line.
Thanks for your opinion and you did make me laugh with your comment about men not being as good at multi-tasking. I sent a response to the guy that answered my post, you might want to read that one and let me know your thoughts/experiences with men you meet on-line. I think I may be a little "gun-shy" to meet others after my experience with the first guy I actually met. We always have good phone conversations, but he always tries to steer them toward $ex, then he tells me that is not all he wants and how much he really likes me and wants to spend time with me, but I wonder???
Yeah...sex may not be ALL that guy wants, but it's right at the top of his list! I'd "next!" him for sure.
I would advise not having guys come to your place or going to theirs until MUCH later in the dating process (unless you're just looking for a fling). And I won't continue talking to or seeing a guy who brings up sex before we even meet or on the first date or two.
Sheri
As with anyone who asks the question, Is this typical of ....?. I answer I do not speak for my gender or age group or region or ethnicity or... I speak for Mark.
I only started dating after my divorce in my late 40s and have never dated before (even in high school or college.. I married the only woman I really dated). I use to be uncomfortable to even call it "dating" since I am middle aged for it sounded so high school. I wanted to approach this as meeting-to-get-to-know-you activity not courtship. After I get to know the woman then I would want to court her. There are a lot of women here who want to be dated-courted and have strong opinions how that should look like in terms of what a man should and should not do.
I think "making the moves" on a woman is situational. I usually ask permission if I can even touch or hug or kiss her. This is my approach. Some women (and men) may want a more of a "take charge" guy who does not feel the need to ask permission but that's who I am and it seems to work with the women I go out with, i.e. they appreciate that.
I also pay attention if the woman expresses her wishes explicitly so therefore I encourage direct communication rather than indirect body language or some other "polite" ways of communicating. This way there is no question on what the other person wants.
It seems when you physically stop your date from touching you and he keeps trying then I would think that is someone who cares not to listen or pick up on what you want.
Back to your question on what to expect on a second date, I have not a clue on how to answer that for like I said before it is situational. I have had sex on the first date and I have been ready to bolt after 5 minutes with someone. I have hugged and I have kissed. I have shook hands. It's all a matter of communication.
Insofar as talking about sex, the popular notion is that sex is on most guys' minds. I define dating as making friends with sexual intent. Now how each person deals with that is again goes to communication. If you are not comfortable in talking about it then you can certainly tell him that explicitly and see if he listens. THAT would be an indicator on whether this is a good match for you wouldn't it?
Online meeting and communicating is a funny thing (see my posting under MORE THAN DATING). Good luck.
Mark
Sheri, Yeah I do agree that sex seems to be on the top of his "list". I felt so comfortable with him that first night in the restaurant that I had no concerns about going to his place for dinner the next night. But I have some serious reservations after that night. We have talked a few times on the phone, he keeps asking to come to my place to just hang out and watch movies (or massages, or a few other things he has mentioned.) He does not know where I live or where I work and I am planning to keep it that way. There is no way that I want him knowing my location. Not that I think we would do anything dangerous, because I don't get that feeling from him, I just think he is very needy and clingy and horny!! ha
Thanks for the advice.
Mark, Thanks for your response and your opinions. I guess it wasn't fair to ask you "is this typical of..." and I appreciate your candor.
I have also recently started this dating thing. I am in my early 40's and have been single for 3 years (since my divorce) but involved in a "relationship" with someone I work with and we never really dated, we knew each other as friends and things grew from there. Before that I was married for several years so I just feel so out of touch with what is expected or what is "normal" out in the dating world these days.
Guess I need to just tell this one that I am not interested in continuing communication with him, because at the end of the second date when I told him that I didn't think this "relatinship" would be anything more than friends he said that he would be open to the idea of us being friends...friends-with-benefits would be ok with him! Guess that should have been a red flag right there, huh? haha
To me, comfort has nothing to do with it. I can feel quite comfortable with someone right off the bat but they are STILL not coming to my house nor am I going to theirs for quite a few dates, LOL! I just don't want to send any mixed messages and for better or worse, many men still think that you going to his house or him coming to yours means you're ready to have sex. So it just works better for me to not even have that be an issue.
Anyway, onwards and upwards...welcome to the board, btw. Where in NE are you (you don't have to be specific of course)? I grew up on the south shore of Boston and went to college up in VT, but have lived out in Seattle for 20 years now.
Sheri
Sheri,
Thanks, I NEVER gave that a thought "many men still think that you going to his house or him coming to yours means you're ready to have sex"....Guess I have been out of the dating game too long! ha
Actually I was born and raised in a small town in CT, but relocated to a large city in the west about 11 years ago. I LOVE IT HERE....no more snow!
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