new to this.. am I being too picky??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2008
new to this.. am I being too picky??
9
Thu, 12-03-2009 - 3:24pm

I recently started OLD on Match, but I feel like I might be a little too picky... let me elaborate..

I started OLD because I really don't have much of a social circle, so it's just hard for me to meet new people. I first made my profile this past summer, just to see what kind of guys I matched with, but didn't pay the subscription fee till just a couple weeks ago. I read somewhere that the best way not to be overwhelmed with OLD is to pick just 5 people you're interested in and email them. Cuz let's face it.. at first, there's a LOT of profiles to go through. So I picked 5 and emailed them, and although I still occasionally go through my matches and see if anyone catches my eye, I'm trying to focus on getting to know these few guys.

So anyway... most of the guys I've communicated with seem like nice guys... but they all seem to have one flaw (normally a pretty minimal one) that's just holding me back. It's different for all the guys... Kyle has a great profile and seems interesting, but he seems to have one too many pictures up of his (very attractive ;p) body. Jim emailed me saying he was interested.. but most of his emails are duds, like he doesn't seem interested in really telling me about himself... Matt and I share a lot of the same interests, but he only has 1 picture up, which is a huge annoyance to me with OLD (it just seems if you're really interested in finding someone, you would put up a few GOOD pictures, not 1 from far away and 3 of your car).

Now, it's not that any of those things are dealbreakers for me.. after all, maybe Jim prefers to do all the "get to know each other" talk in person... and maybe Matt just doesn't have many pictures of himself and doesn't want people to base things on his looks.. and maybe Kyle is just proud of the way he looks and isn't trying to be vain...

Maybe the right question isn't "am I too picky"... I have yet to actually meet any of these guys, so do any of you feel this way about guys before you actually meet them?? Just kinda mediocre about it?? Like I said, they all SEEM like good guys, but since I feel so "eh" about them now, I'm wondering if I should just stop trying... or should I meet them in person and see how I feel about it then??

There is ONE guy who I've been communicating with that I have yet to find a flaw with... he's the one out of all of them who I REALLY look forward to hearing from. You know when you go out with a guy for the first time, and you pretty much know from the first 15 minutes whether or not there's a connection?? Is it the same way with online dating?? Those few guys who I'm just not WOW-ed by, is that a sign??

One last question I had, about Match specifically... I know if you send your real email in a message, they'll block it out for your protection.. do they do the same with AIM or MSN screennames?? The reason I ask is that I love to IM, but hate the Match IM system. To me, IM-ing is a little more... real, I guess you could say.

Thanks!

PS-- Feel free to give me any other advice you have on OLD.. I'll take all the help I can get! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Thu, 12-03-2009 - 4:12pm

My advice is to forget about looking for flaws but to just to meet them ASAP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 12-03-2009 - 8:56pm

In my case, I have been consistently underwhelmed with the quality of men I have met online.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 12-03-2009 - 8:59pm

I see nothing wrong with being "selective" in whom you decide to meet. "Picky" is another story, but then, you can do this OLD thing any way you like. Many women will tell you it's a numbers game and you should just meet as many men as possible. I personally find that exhausting, so I am selective about who I decide to correspond/meet with.

I happen to think the photos a man posts say a lot about him. I too don't like photos that are shot from a long distance away, or are too fuzzy, or they're wearing a ball cap and sunglasses. I'm also bored to tears with photos of mens' cars or boats or airplanes. I don't like shirtless photos, nor do I like nude photos (I got one of those recently!)

Most people don't really know how to write, so I try to cut some slack for that, but I have a hard time with men who can't spell or use atrocious grammar.

Here's the thing: most of the men you correspond and meet with won't work out. It's just the way it is. You have to grow a very thick skin to do OLD for any length of time. I still think it's a great way to meet men, but you may have a long haul. If you are new to OLD, the best teacher is experience. Even if a man doesn't seem like "the one" but you feel like you might enjoy him, go ahead and meet him: OLD takes a little practice and getting used to. Everyone on this board will tell you: meet sooner rather than later. Long, drawn-out email correspondence, phone conversations and IM will not tell you if you have any chemistry. The only way to judge chemistry is in person. I'd say within 3-4 emails, the guy should ask you to meet (or you can ask him, but I prefer if he does the asking).

I received an email yesterday from a guy on match and he gave me his personal email and match did not delete it, so I don't know how that happened. But I think it's better to just correspond with them through match at first, because you can block them if necessary (hopefully you won't ever get a stalker or harassment).

And finally, a book I recommend a lot is "Fine, I'll Go Online." Lots of great, no-nonsense information about OLD.




Edited 12/4/2009 5:18 am ET by floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-05-2009 - 1:36pm
I would prefer meeting guys IRL too, but the sad fact is that I just don't--it's not that I meet undesirable guys, I don't meet ANY guys. And it's not like I'm stuck in the house. I work, I belong to a gym, I go to activities. I join coed activities and I will go to a meetup & it will be only women. It's just my luck. My one single friend is kind of in the same boat--she just got a new job & it's w/ a women's clothing company, so that's probably not going to bring any results. I have had people tell me that they meet guys in the grocery store, but I just can't imagine how that happens. The one thing I don't do is go to bars because I just don't think any middle aged guys really hang out in bars, so how have you been able to find people?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sat, 12-05-2009 - 3:13pm

Oh, I haven't had any better luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-05-2009 - 10:28pm

I haven't been doing OLD either. I put my profile on there a few months ago and I actually got one guy who was up to calling me on the phone, so I'm sure we would have met. There was nothing wrong w/ him up to that point, but I just didn't really feel like doing it. My problem (in addition to working) is that I still have a 14 yr old DS at home so I don't have that much free time. Since my ex has gotten into the habit of not taking him on the same nights during the week, I have decided that if I want any kind of social life, I just have to go out & leave him home, which isn't really what I want to do. But I will go locally just for a couple of hours. But to really have a date that's longer than just dinner, I still have only every other Sat. night/Sunday. So it's not that easy to find time. I have a divorced friend too & I tell her to try OLD ==she just got a new job which requires a one hour + commute each way, so by the time she gets home, she says she doesn't want to go back on the computer & she can't do it at work. But at least her kids are grown, so she does have every weekend free.

I know how you feel about the holidays--tonight I went to a large mall to go Christmas shopping--I ended up coming home tired and not even buying anything. I think it was because I didn't really have a plan about what I was going to buy, but I was sort of depressed also. Like I wouldn't care if it was the daytime or another night of the week, but I'm thinking, here I am on Sat. night alone, eating a sandwich by myself for dinner. The group activities I have are usually during the week so when I do have the every other Sat. free, I don't know what to do w/ myself. I do try to arrange to go out w/ a girlfriend if I can, but didn't tonight. If I don't have anything to do, I should just stay home & watch TV & go on the computer. Somehow I feel less lonely staying home than if I go out & I'm alone & seeing everybody else w/ other people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-05-2009 - 10:35pm
I got off on a tangent here & didn't reply to your initial post. I think you should start meeting some or all of those guys in person. You really can't tell if you like someone until then. I have had the experience of thinking someone is great by email and/or phone call, then when I met them I didn't like them. And really, so what if a guy has only one pic of himself? At least you have some idea of what he looks like (hopefully it's an accurate pic--some people do put old photos up there). I am thinking about what I should do about a picture (it's been stopping me from signing up for OLD) since I probably have no photos of myself w/ in the past 5 yrs! Seriously, my ex loved to do photography & took photos of me a lot when we were dating, then didn't do it so much after we were married (I guess cause he could look at me in person every day) except maybe when we went on vacation. Also, I hate having my pic taken--I tend to freeze up. The guy who emails might just not be that great about writing things, but in person, he might be better. So just go ahead & meet someone and see how it goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 4:04am

If you agree with the premise that meeting the right guy is a "numbers game" then just meet them. You can look for incompatibilities aka flaws after you meet them.

The point is to meet with someone who is looking as well and that you would not normally would have met otherwise.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 9:10am

I have met some really nice guys on line who had 'blah' profiles. I have met some guys who had AMAZING profiles, seemed absolutely perfect, but then you correspond with them and they are duds. So I don't read too much into the profile, but I do avoid the ones on their Harleys and the ones who took their picture in the bathroom mirror with the cell phone.

On the other hand, so people aren't very good at organizing a profile or deciding what pictures are good, so you just have to go on that.

I recently emailed a guy a few times whose responses were so dull that I just stopped. It was painful to read them. Plus, he kept dissing his kids...oh, yeah, that sounds great...

There are the guys who email whole novels, which makes you wonder why they have so much time at the computer.

I have come to realize that it isn't worth getting excited about anyone until you have actually met them. Some people just aren't good writers, but are awesome in person. Some write great, funny, lively emails and are boors in real life.