New to the board - need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
New to the board - need advice
7
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 8:56pm
Hi!

While I'm not new to the world of online dating (once had a 5-year long relationship that started in a chat room, plus a few more shorter relationships also through chatrooms and IMs). However I recently placed an online personals ad and have been getting responses.

This might sound like a naive question (esp coming from someone in their 30s) but how does one go about going on dates with different men without feeling guilty? At least that's how I feel - I've always met one man online, had a date or two, and either it blossomed into a relationship or it didn't, and I moved on to the next guy.

Now I've got the opportunity to go out on dates with several men and I'm not quite sure how I should handle the situation. I'm a terribly open person and I'm afraid I'll blurt out about going on other dates, and I know that probably isnt the best thing to say on a first date.

Please advise! :o)

Gabi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 9:22pm
My best advice to you is to let each of the men know that you are dating others up front. If they have a problem with that and don't want to go out with you, well, it might be for the best. If a man has enough confidence in himself he will accept the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 12:36am
Blurting things out doesn't make you a terribly open person it just means that at that particular point you are prioritizing your urge to blurt over the other person's feelings. I have gone on plenty of first dates with different men - once 7 in a week - I typically do not kiss on the first date - or if I do it is not more than a kiss - and I don't have sex early on so to me, dating several different people at once is fair and no problem and none of their business if I am not exclusive with any of them - the best way to lose a guy's interest is to talk about other men so don't tell yourself you are just too open - tell yourself you are just too chatty and learn restraint - I used to be way too chatty so believe me I know and I learned and my friendships and romantic relationships improved greatly. You will know when you meet someone who is special enough so that you stop dating others, and so does he.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 8:41am
Well, you shouldn't feel guilty as you have no obligation to any of these men. To open it up let them all know what you are looking for and that you date. My definition of date mens I am going out with lots of possibilites and if one firms up then I am no longer dating. In a significant relationship would hold me ties and not want to date others. If you are upfront on what you look for and let them know that dating for you is a potential for a relationship and if you find qualities that are not good or do not fit into what you want long term you move on. Hope that answers your question. It is not their business that you are dating others unless you want them to know. They ask you out when you have plans with another cooly say you have plans if they ask say you going out with friends.

Marie

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Avatar for born2luv
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 10:24am
Well, I'm in my 40's and I still don't feel comfortable dating more than one man at a time. Even giving my focus to more than one man seems to confuse me! {smile}

No advice to offer, but I just wanted to say I understand your feelings.

~*~ Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 11:09am
Welcome to our board! Soooo happy you came by!! Hope you can stay with us for a while!

I would say you are just like my dear gf. She cannot date more than one man, and it is a good thing. Trust me. She meets someone, goes on a date, and if things arent clicking, she doesnt go out with that person again. Then, it takes her some time before she goes on another date. NOthing wrong with that. I would say, you should look at dating, like one of members here, Deena. Interview these men like you would for a job. It is a job being in a relationship and that is sometimes how we have to handle the potential dates. As in, are you my type, or do you have the qualities I am looking for, and so on. SO, I think you should think about what you want in a man, and then as you date, if it is one, or more...just remember it is not to be stressful. It is supposed to be fun. Just look at it as going out with friends, and then if you click with someone, take it to the next level. WHo knows! Goodluck to you and I hope i helped you some.

Gail :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 11:24am
Thanks to all for the advice. I really appreciate it! :o)

And thanks Gail for welcoming me to the board. I plan to hang around for awhile - I'm starting to become iVillage board addicted (I'm already a regular on the Fat Flush board too).

Gabi

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 4:15pm
I'm not sure what there is to feel guilty about!!! So long as you're not lying to or misleading anyone, it's pretty much assumed that you're dating other people and that he is too. I always assume that's the case, unless and until we have a talk and agree to date exclusively and monogamously.

I don't bring up the topic unless asked (I think it's tacky) and if one of the men I'm dating asks me to do something on a night I have another date, I just say I have other plans.

Sheri