New to this board but not to OLD

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
New to this board but not to OLD
19
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 1:32pm

Hi,

After leaving a 21 year marriage, I used OLD as a way to jumpstart my social life. It was a great way to get out and to get a feel for dating again. It's been almost 4 years now and, although I had one year-and-a-half long relationship through Matchmaker, I still haven't found love.

Here's my question. I've noticed that if the first one or two dates go well then there appears to be this sense that we have a relationship. I feel this pressure (from myself or whatever) to "make this work". Argh! Is this lightning bolt match the only way OLD will work? Or can a woman date a few men while allowing a relationship to develop? Is this just me or does this happen to anyone else? For you guys, is it okay for a woman to pace things a bit? It just seems if I try to take my time then the guy makes rash judgements and figures he'll just move on.

I may not be making myself clear but I hope someone can make sense of what I'm trying to ask.

Thanks,
Opal

**gentle hugs**

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 3:27pm

Yikes, I sincerely apologize for my manner. Your question was not inappropriate at all!

amjay

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 3:30pm

No, not inappropriate at all! I was just responding with my view that you need to decide what works for YOU and act accordingly, not change your approach because some men prefer not to date more than one woman at a time even early on (or prefer that you not date other men).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 4:33pm
Shouldn't someone be trotting out the group hug icon about now...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 5:19pm

Geez, I spend one day outdoors and miss all the excitement.

I am wrestling with that same issue right now. I met a really nice guy and have been out with him twice. At the end of the second date, he was all sweet nothings and 'I want you to be mine' etc. In the past I might have swooned over this. But my reaction after a few years of this OLD stuff is .... ACK. If he wasn't so mushy, I'd probably like him better -- it makes him seem needy. I'd rather get to know him a little better before I decide whether there's a relationship.

Kinda like you can't unring the bell -- now that this behavior has already happened, I feel like I have to either stop seeing him or go along with it. ANd I'm not ready to go along with it ... Door number three is to tell him he's moving too fast, but I already did that. I found myself kind of hoping to find out he just wanted to get laid!

I'm sorry, what was the question? ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 5:29pm

lol -- I forgot the question too!

Your post raises a question: are we all turning into Groucho Marx (who refused to join any club that would have him)?

I can't help but be turned off by someone who plans side by side burial plots after 2 dates. And slow-pokes drive me nuts. I mean -- buddy, really, do you actually have THAT many choices of women that it takes you 3 months to take your freaking profile down?

amjay
waiting for the allegedly happy medium

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 9:16am
God, I so identify with your post, amjay. I've had two dates with a guy who has already told his parents about me, showed them my picture and told them he's "head over heels" about me. I like him, but feel he's moving way too fast, and have told him so, to no avail, obviously. This is so different from my usual OLD experience (great date then ghost) that I almost feel I've entered a parallel universe! We're going out tomorrow and I'm trying to take it one date at a time, hoping he'll do the same. My fear is just when I'll start to really like him and get attached, he'll dump me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 9:22am

Carrie -- YES! And the other thing about this 'problem' is that you wind up (at least I do) worrying about not being too 'warm' for fear of giving him too much encouragement. So I'm backing off a little which ALWAYS makes them more interested.

Upon reflection -- I wonder whether the initial mismatch in 'speeds' indicates that the match in fact isn't one. Does anybody have stories about a relationship that initially seemed imbalanced but somehow evened out?

Sposa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 9:58am
Opal, just so you feel less alone, I too am coming out of a long marriage. (Only 10 years in my case.) I haven't started OLD yet...still trying to get as much info. as I can! I'm learning the frustration of trying to meet people; even same-sex friends I'm finding are just plain flaky whenever you try to get together. I don't want to go to bars and attract men just out for a quick and easy fix, but I don't want a long-term relationship right now either. I think that anyone who's looking for a definite yes or no after a couple of dates is not someone you need anyway. Like me, you need to just go through this right now and accept that this is a time in your life where you're not going to make any rash decisions. Likely what you're finding is that a lot of men on these dating sites are just impatient because they have other options (you know, the eleven other women who e-mailed them around the time you did!). But you have options too. When that lightning bolt hits you, you'll know it and until then, have fun. And stay around because I have a feeling I'm going to need your advice in a month or two when I'm ready to start!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 10:04am

Very well said, lilah! You have a great perspective on dating, which will make your OLD experience run smooth(er).

amjay

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