New here & to dating - sorry a bit long

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
New here & to dating - sorry a bit long
3
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 1:54pm

Well after a 20 year marriage I have taken a step and am finally dating again. My friends and kids were pushing me to get back out there. It's been over 2 years since my h moved out and in that time I had a bit of a ldr with an old bf, but the distance killed it. So after many pushes, I put my profile on Match about a month ago. I have already pulled my profile and cancelled my subscription. Wow, what a strange experience. I received way too many responses. I'm sure that it was probably a good thing, but I got overwhelmed. I went out on a few dates, the first two came on way too strong, and I'm still having a problem getting one of them to leave me alone. Third guy was really nice, not exactly my type but I've seen him a few times, our schedules have been at odds and getting together has been difficult.

The last guy I met, I had actually already pulled my profile when I had dinner with him turned out to be great. We've had 3 dates, all really good. We keep closing down restaurants because we can't stop talking to each other. After each date he has contacted me and let me know what a great time he had. And again, both of our schedules are pretty hectic, so getting together is a bit hard. I think that during our first date I probably let on that some of the guys I was meeting came on too strong. So here is my question. On our last date, we had a great time again. I had been being pretty evasive about some things that had happened in my life over the past couple of years, why the divorce, why my kids didn't really see much of their dad, etc. It all is a bit heavy and I have felt too heavy to let on to too early in dating. On this date, he started opening up with me regarding his divorce, etc. He asked a couple of direct questions and I felt that skirting the issue again was probably not the right way to go. So I was honest with him. After which I regretted it. As we left, I thought, whoops that scared him half to death. To be honest, I didn't think I would ever here from him again. I was careful not to let on that I had just hit an insecure place, but he obviously figured that out because the next day, I got an incredible e-mail from him saying, well here is what it said -

I had a real nice time with you last night. Please do not jump to any
conclusion that I may be less interested in you because you opened up
to me some last night. Please feel free to communicate openly with me
at any time. I want you to feel comfortable in any way that you want to
express yourself, about any topic. I'll do the same.

That after all is what a relationship (of any kind) is all about right?

So, is that all ok?

I see you as a beautiful, smart and sexy woman. Being a complex,
dynamic person and having a life do not in any way detract from those
qualities.

Smile today,

At first I thought I would respond by playing the whole thing down. But decided that that was not a good idea. So I simply responded with a thank you. He e-mailed back and asked what I was doing the next night. So we planned on getting together the next evening. A few hours before we were to meet, he e-mailed and had to cancel as his day had gotten away from him. He apologized for the late notice. I haven't heard from him since, that was Friday.

I know that it wouldn't be a good idea to contact him. I guess I am wondering if I blew it. He has been pretty good up until now to contact me and give me a run down on what he's up to, now nothing. He really seems like a great guy, but he's still on Match and I'm not sure if he's just a player. I'm not sure if this is my intuition or fear talking.

If someone out there has some experience in time lines, what's normal. What to expect and when, that would be helpful. As I said the first few guys came on so strong, I considered moving out of state. I guess I'm not sure what I want, I run when they come on too strong. But his timing is a bit slower than I would have hoped too.
I'm not desperate, but he did seem like a really great person and I haven't found many of those in my life.

Thanks in advance and sorry about what should have been a short question, turned into an essay!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 2:21pm
There's no single correct answer. I always look to see what the pattern is. How frequently do you have contact - either email or phone? Any significant change is a red flag that something's up. As hard as it may be - the only way you'll really know is to wait it out.


Edited 3/14/2005 3:22 pm ET ET by lg1964
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 2:26pm

I think you're doing just fine!

It's impossible to know what goes on in someone else's head... what someone's motives are... what's really going on.

If you're asked a question you aren't comfortable answering, it's ok not to answer it... If you choose to answer an awkward question or one that is too early to be asked, that's ok, too. It's perfectly ok to keep private things private...

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong... he just may not be the one, no matter how nice he seems at first :)

You're doing great :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:31am

I think you did everything right. I started OLD with intentions of just "getting out". The second guy I went out with turned out to be a total catch. Like you, I was afraid to open up too much regarding my past and divorce, but a huge part of how *dreamguy* and I connected, was by understanding each other's past and direction for the future.

I'm going to guess based on his email to you, that he is genuine, but I guess ya just never know. Hopefully, you will hear from him soon, and his is the decent man he seems to be!