New Here need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
New Here need advice
7
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 9:46pm
Hi, Im new here to this message board. Looks like a great place to be. By the way my screen name is supposed to be sweetangelnoel. Anyway on to why im here. Recently I met a great man on line, he's 40, lives in california, unemployed ( he's on workers comp), lives with his mother and goes to school. He's a bit opionated, bossy and down right hateful sometimes, then he can turn around and be the sweetest man on earth. I'm 30, live in oklahoma, work 2 jobs, getting ready to finish school, i'm quiet and reserved, like to stay in, and im not very experienced and he tends to bring that up a lot almost daily. The problem is its only been about a month and he is already wanting to come stay with me for 5 days, he wants me to pay half the trip ( which i wouldn't mind doing if i felt comfortable with him coming down), i get nearly sick when he brings it up, all the time. I need some advice on how to handle this, im not sure I even want to continue with this but I'm not sure how to get out of it with out problems. any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and I'm sorry it is so long, just had to get it out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 11:57pm
This is just my opinion but if he wants to come visit you realize that he is a complete stranger to you - he needs to stay in a hotel or motel and agree to meet him for lunch, at a public place and take your own car - if you like him you can spend more time with him. As with all people, they're package deals - if he's sweet only part of the time - and that is only from on line typing - you need to be able to deal with the other attributes too - sounds like you don't even like him much less have a romantic interest in him. A man who knows how to treat a lady would never ask to stay with the lady in her home and ask for half the $$ - again, just my opinion. I am 36, and I would never date a man who lived at home unless it was an emergency and temporary situation - if it was because he was unemployed, I would want to know why at his age he hadn't saved enough to afford to pay rent somewhere and what he was doing to change his situation very quickly. I would wait until he has a stable job and lives on his own - for all you know "Mom" is really his girlfriend or spouse - and for all you know he was fired for cause. Sounds like on the whole he is not worth your precious time particularly since you are working two jobs. Good luck!
Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 12:03pm
Your right, this is a wonderful place :) It sounds to me like he wants to come and see you more than you want to see him...you don't seem enthusiastic at all about his visit. If you think he is going too fast and think he might push you into doing things that you don't want to do get out of that relationship right away. You don't have to put up with that and you shouldn't have to. There are tons of guys out there....I like to call it my "buffet of men" hehehe, you have to go and sample from the buffet before you find what you like. This guy doesn't seem worth your time to me....personally, I wouldn't put up with someone who bosses me around, and is hateful, as you call it. Sure, he can be a total sweetheart, but you have to think what he's going to be like in real life...when he gets hateful does he hit? Think this through a little bit before you decide what to do. Good luck to you and come back and let us know how everything goes!!

Lindsay

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 10:37pm
Lindsay - hats off to you - that was the "perfect" post and advice - the kind of post I want to print out and read when in a situation where the guy is not treating me right and I start to make excuses! Let's hope she takes your (and my) advice.
Avatar for singlemom224
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 11:54pm
I agree w/ Deena 100%!

(*GASPS* lol)

Please be careful .. I see alot of red flags here.

~Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 1:51pm
Welcome :o) I think if you are uncomfortable with the idea of him coming to meet, I wouldn't do it :o) For me, if I'm talking to someone and they are negative or rude or what have you, I won't talk to them! I've even gone so far as to tell people that I won't talk to them b/c of their attitudes and needless to say, I've gotten some not so nice messages returned to me! I just don't feel teh need to talk to people that are like that. Okay, a little bit off the subject, BUT I would think that if you are uncomfortable with the idea of meeting, simply tell him you don't want to meet. I'm not sure if you'd still like to talk to him online, but if that's the case just let him know you won't be meeting but you can still talk online if he wants. I would just make him aware you won't be meeting.... his description just sounds kinda off and I don't blame you for being sick w/the thought of meeting, I think you should trust your instincts and not meet :o)

Good luck :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 2:27pm
I would say that sick feeling you are getting when he brings up his visit is your gut instinct telling you to run the other way. I agree with the other ladies here. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE! You say you are working two jobs and finishing school? What would you have in common with someone living at home with their mother at 40 with now job?? Seems to me like you may need to re-think the over all relationship.( I am sorry for being so blunt, please I am southern. We do that. lol) If you decide to let him come to visit, I agree with the other ladies. Tell him he has to stay in a hotel, not with you! Be safe about this whole thing, please. Goodluck.

Gail
Avatar for neatdesign
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:42pm
I have a slightly different take than the others who have posted so far. I don't think you should even entertain the idea of moving forward with this man whatsoever. And it has nothing to do with the fact that he lives at home, or even because he's unemployed.

Descriptive words like "hateful" shouldn't even be in your vocabulary when considering a mate. Everything you say about this man is negative, with the exception that he CAN be sweet sometimes. Moreover, he's pressing you to welcome him into your home, to pay for half of his travel expenses, to the point that it's making you "sick." The bad FAR outweighs the good here.

Please drop this dude like a hot potato, before you get yourself in deeper. If you're not the confrontational type, try distancing yourself from him, sending fewer emails, spending less time with him online. However, think of it like ripping off a band-aid: If you take your time, it will hurt that much more. Sometimes it's worth it to just rip it off quickly and get it over with. Consider telling him that your feelings for him aren't strong enough to warrant moving the relationship beyond friendship. Whatever you do, do it soon, and make sure he gets the message that you're not interested.

You deserve so much better, believe me.

~ Neat