NEW HERE Ready To Quit OLD - HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
NEW HERE Ready To Quit OLD - HELP
5
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 8:29pm

Hi,

I need some support/advice. I am really confused with the online dating experience after only two months. I spent most of last night and today reading most of the threads and I hope I have come to the right place. The biggest problem I have is lack of trust and total frustration at the moment and the title of another thread "Does anyone mean what they say anymore?" pretty much sums up my feelings.

I am having the worst dating experiences of my life online and I am afraid what I am complaining about is "normal" or par for the course with this form of dating and I am not sure I am cut out for it.

I don't know how to describe my feelings without getting into all of the details which I am not sure if anyone is interested in but in a nut shell; I have been cancelled on, stood up, had "different" people show up than what I was talking to. And the WORST: the ones I get along with and I feel like I have a connection with and can tell we are mutually attracted end up being the ones who NEVER call even after promising to. What is up with this??

After reading the boards I am seeing this is happening to many others also. We all can't be "imagining" this connection and then have the person ghost/flake out on us but that seems to be what happens online too many times.

I will be honest - there is NO WAY to emotionally prepare for all of this IMO. I have read the advice about the first meeting being date zero and not to expect anything between dates one - three (or is it four) but that is hard anyway as you are "supposed" to building trust during that time, right?....anyway shouldn't I EXPECT someone to call and keep a second or third date when it is their idea in the first place and I am not prompting them to make it? I feel that everyone is SO unreliable - my trust is totally shot.

I am screening people to the best of my ability but the ones that I totally don't expect it with are the ones that end up flaking out and disappearing on me.

Is this just what I have to expect indefinitely? I may answer my own question by saying I am just not tough enough for this - but please don't be too harsh on me. Relationships shouldn't be THIS HARD but I am getting the biggest mixed signals I have ever gotten in my life and I feel like I am going crazy.

Please feel free to ask any questions and share any views on this.

Thanks in adance,

Deborah

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 9:16pm

OLD is different from meeting people in real life.

Linda
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 9:30pm

Ditto what ls said. I also try to put as LITTLE pre-meet time into this as possible. One or two emails and perhaps a phone call then meet. I found that for me it just does not work to get into some faux email relationship that goes on for a few weeks. Your expectations are just set way too high -- plus I've learned that you never know who you're emailing and I tend to disclose way too much.

So one or two emails and then on to meet. That way if the meeting doesn't go well you really have very little invested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 11:17pm

Thanks LG & Linda,

One thing I am doing wrong is spending too much time before the dates getting to know them. Not email but phone - at their initiation - I am spending hours getting daily phone calls from them before the date. When the ones I like blow me off it DOES hurt. I am realistic though, if the date wasn't going well, I wouldn't be second guessing about the no calls or take it personally. It's just this last one has me stumped as there was every connection you can imagine (we even agreed on politics and religion and that NEVER happens with me) I was attracted and he seemed so interested in ME.

Yes, Linda the "no repercussions" would explain a lot of the bad behavior. Part of me is tempted to call them on it for that very reason. The very first guy I was in contact with was local and was very paranoid I would mention to mutual people we know in common that he had a profile on the net. I thought it was just guy embarrassment but I think it was he wants to be secretive so he can act however he wants. We spent a total of eight hours talking on the phone prior to setting up a date and then he cancelled at the last minute. I was a little angry as I was dressed by that time and the excuse was lame but was still willing to reschedule. Thought "I" was the one overreacting. Never heard from him again. He is a prominent 45 yr old business owner in my community and there is no excuse for that. It gets worse - after that shock I got my nerve up and made MY profile searchable and got lots of responses - 170+ in a week to be exact (I am not bragging here I am pointing out to any who may read this that being pretty doesn't help one iota in this - even my confidence is shot now and I am thinking I am ugly or worse) well the "ghost" reappeared after that, lots of excuses (told me his compter was hacked and lost all of his contacts)and wanting to set up another date. Due to the 8 hour investment and thinking I knew him I agreed. He joked about not cancelling on me again and even called Friday to confirm our Sunday date. Well, guess what - he was a NO SHOW! I haven't been stood up since high school (I'm 38) and I couldn't believe he had the nerve to do this twice. Since we know people in common I finally broke down and talked to a mutual friend and told him how embarrased I was about what happened to me and had he ever heard of his friend acting like this? He was shocked too - told me it was totally out of character for him - which makes me think that's why he likes the net so much. You are right he can just be a jerk and no one knows! After that he signed up with another service too and is ALWAYS online. He is such a game player and liar I want to warn people....

That was my first "date" with this....maybe I should have quit then because although I haven't been stood up again the mixed signals are as bad as ever....

I may have to keep checking here whether I go on dating or not. Just to confirm my sanity if nothing else. My real life friends are asking the natural questions like, "Are you doing anything to scare these guys off?" I swear I am NOT and that is what is so frustrating - maybe people here will believe me - you don't have to do anything to deserve this bad behavior....it just happens. And BTW I am NOT easy and I am glad that was brought up. I AM afraid that is part of it....Are there really that many women who will sleep with these guys right away or am I being paranoid? If that's what they are looking for then I have got a problem.

I really don't blame my friends for questioning what "I" could be doing....if you are not experiencing this garbage you WOULDN'T believe it.

I will write more later about my "Mr Right" date who disappeared and maybe that will help me get it into perspective and I could get some additional advice. I know there are some "good" people out there and I really thought I found one and that is what has started all of this fresh confusion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 11:26pm

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a tough time...experiences like the one you described are all too common, I'm afraid. If you keep at it, you'll develop a thick skin, though, and it won't bother you too much. I've definitely made the mistake of thinking somone is Mr. Right wayyyyyy too soon. I've gotten to the point that when it ends, it bothers me less and less. Sad in a way, but helpful if you want to do OLD.

Robyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 6:19am

I think your answer/behavior expalantion is in what lstammy wrote.

This is a common phenomenon with OLD and the only way I find to combat it is to move one quickly when the symptoms appear.