New Here...What did I do wrong??
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| Fri, 03-11-2005 - 5:03pm |
Hi..I've lurked here a while and I always see good comments, so I haven't bothered posting. But I'm kinda confused... (I'll be brief....I met a guy that I seemed to click with through OLD last December. He's in a career that's really "busy, busy, busy". He travels a lot, and it took until January for us to finally meet for coffee. I'm busy too, but after having a bad relationship end last year, I'm interested in meeting new people. Anyway, after coffee, he called me, we agreed to meet for dinner the following week. Something came up and he cancelled, but then called and was able to make it after all. Now, on both of these dates, I noticed he talked quite a bit about "HIMSELF", I figured OK, he's got an important job I'll give him that. Well, we had a misunderstanding at the dinner date because he seemed so limited with his time. I really liked him but we lost contact. I then called him a few weeks later to see what was up, and suggested we keep in touch. He agreed. I didn't hear from him again, for a few weeks, so I sent an email (Yes, I know I was really TRYING here), and he had just returned from a trip. We met again for coffee, he revealed a lot of personal things to me about his past, his job, but still only minimal interest in ME! He asked what I was looking for, I said friends first and then see how things develop. He made no attmept to kiss me, but on the first meet, he did hug me. He continued to travel, didn't hear from him much, but when he did call, we had pleasant conversations. I emailed and suggested dinner (yes, me again). About 2 weeks ago, we had dinner, no kiss, no touch. And both agreed we had a nice time. That was it. I sent an email saying "thanks", he wrote back and said if he was "around the following weekend he'd call me". Well, this kinda irked me, and I wrote back and said, "gee, why not give it the old college try"? I also wrote in he email that I was smiling and "that is, if you have any interest?" I guess he didn't like it because I haven't heard from him since!
Now...was I wrong? Was my email snotty? I feel as if it was time to push the envelope and find out if he was interested or not. I liked him, but I feel like we could have at least remained friends. It's so frustrating, but I have no intentions or calling, emailing or doing anything. I just kinda hate to leave things like this. (Ok, ok, maybe being on the rebound left me stupid!)
Thanks!

Well, I think that we have a HJNTIY thing here (yes Sheri - I am actually learning to appreciate the book) or He's Just Not That Into You. It isn't your fault probably, but he is just not feeling it for some reason. If he was into you, he'd call and ask you out. Do you notice how he is only calling and asking you out AFTER you call him? It's kind of like you are almost an afterthought (sorry, bad word and not meaning to be insulting but I can't come up with anything else!). You continue to pursue him so to be nice, he asks you out when you call. He's kinda brushed you off with the "I'll call you if I am around" thing and also kinda brushed you off every time he doesn't call you after meeting or ask you out again. You have made more than enough effort. If he wants to call or email you, he will but don't hold your breath waiting for him to do so.
I don't think you have any choice but to leave it like this. If you do continue to pursue it, I bet you will only get an answer like "I think you're really great but I just don't see this going anywhere.". I'm sorry it turned out this way, but welcome to OLD! People (both men and women) do this all the time! It sucks, but it happens.
This happens quite a lot. You can never truly know what is going on with another person. Could be a million and one reasons. There's only one thing you need to know though - and that is he didn't make time for YOU.
And there is one - and only one word for that...
N-E-X-T
Fox,
You didn't do anything wrong in my book. Sounds like he's too busy to date. If he has a real interest (which includes the time to call)he will pursue you. If not, he's going to be on-line dating a looooooong time without success.
TT
Foxy:
First welcome I too am new to this board. I am sorry to hear you are going through this but I have to question why are you placing expectations so early on? Might I suggest you and some people do not agree with me on this one, but that you get two other men in rotation. It takes the pressure off the dating/relationship. For one thing, you would be less apt to know how much time has passed since your last communiqué, and when he does call, if your schedule is free then you see him. MEN LIKE WOMEN WHO HAVE THEIR OWN INTERESTS. No man or woman wants to be responsible for anothers happiness, as they should not be. Not unless the relationship is serious.
As far doing anything wrong, I would not say you did anything wrong per se but you let your emotions get the best of you. If you want to continue to date this man, you need to keep your emotions in check or they will get the best of you each time. I do feel you are taking a passive aggressive approach, meaning you replied aggressively via email to him and now your are questioning your actions or wondering what you did wrong. An older woman told me some years ago, NEVER LET A MAN SEE YOU SWEAT and it is true, never let him know he has or is getting the best of you (meaning your emotions).
Lastly, if he is not showing an interest in you, inquiring about Foxy etc., , why would you want to continue wasting your valuable time, a precious commodity one can't ever recoup. If he wants to go out with you, let him call YOU, let him make the arrangements etc.
Keep your head up good luck and I hope this helps.
Vexer-
I found no disrespect in your post at all. I always suggest that because there was one point in time in my life that I was this way dating one guy etc., I read about this concept and was sreaming yelling and kicking so to speak because I thought it was a bunch of garbage. After fighting so hard against it, I decided to give it a try and it is easier then many think. The mistake to not make when you are doing this is to have a laundry list of must haves. You are just meeting a friend out, should the man always pay no. If you meet 2 -3 OLD men and you both make contact, and agree to meet then 1 of those men will pique your interest. Even if you only have 2 men in rotation it still beats having one, until a few discusssions have taken place on the direction of the relationship.
I do agree with the clingy and readily available comments those are #1 no no's in my book. Even if you don't want to do the 3 man rotation, No woman should let a man know tht he has gotten the best of her, ever and I do mean ever.
The 3 man rotation is a lot easier than people think. Believe you me, men do this, not all but a good majority of them do.