New to it all with a question or two

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
New to it all with a question or two
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 3:27pm
I am very new to the whole onlind dating scene, and I can't tell you how happy I am to have come across this board. I have a question though. If you meet someone online and you e-mail and IM and talk on the phone on a daily basis for hours at that. And you ask any and every question you could think of while you're at it. . . .how long do you think the average person could keep up an "act" if they weren't being themselves?? If someone were "sane and normal" for lack of better words, when could you see yourself letting your guard down and relaxing?

Thanks for any replies to this post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 4:49pm
If you ask me I couldn't. I have talked to guys for years and wasn't emotionally stable for a new relationship. But, I knew I'd never meet them anyway so I didn't mind. I would set dates to meet and cancel when they tried to come to me, I'd cancel. So, I never let my guard down until I meet them. Because if I did it and more then once then they could to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 5:28pm
I think it's simple to keep up an act when you're typing and talking but not meeting in person - it's easy when you meet in person too but soo much easier on line - you can ask anything you want but you can't see body language or eye contact or mannerisms and the other person knows that. It is why I never email or IM with a stranger - someone i have never met in person - more than a few times without meeting in person. Sure, I have on line friends/email penpals I may never meet in person but where there may be romantic potential I meet as soon as possible. I;ve emailed with hundreds of men - a few times each before meeting, met about 50 in person - much of the time the in person meeting feels like I am meeting a different person than the persona on email and that never surprises me nor is it typically a problem. I think you're wasting your time with all your questions - I would feel like I was being interviewed and would feel uptight - better to spend the time in real life with that person or if you can't meet because of money or distance, find someone who you can meet. JMHO
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 5:39pm
Do you suspect that he is putting on an act? If so, he probably is. Listen to your instincts. If you get any weird vibes off of him, then I would recommend that you cease contact.

As far as how you can tell if someone is putting on an act - it sounds like you've never actually met him in person. And it is MUCH easier to put on an act via remote means like email, IM and the phone than in person. I recommend, IF you have no reason to suspect that there is anything strange about him, that you arrange an in-person meeting - in a public place, and meet him there - don't have him pick you up.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 7:25pm
Personally, my guard would come down slowly, and a small bit at a time as I got to know him (or anyone for that matter) better.

Assuming you're within "meeting distance", I'd meet in person as soon as possible (following the standard "safe-and-sane-when-meeting-strangers-rules") and look for body language clues, eye contact, weird twitches, general hygiene-- and even if he "appeared" ok in person, I'd personally give it 5-10 in person dates to really decide if we were compatible, and if I wanted to let my guard down. There are many many small clues about a man that only in-person meetings can uncover.

Good luck- take care- and be careful :-)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-10-2003 - 2:09pm

Well, I'd never email/IM/phone for "hours" before meeting someone in person, so I can't speak from personal experience, but I think anyone who was a good liar could keep that up indefinitely.

I wouldn't start to let my guard down until we'd met in person and spent a significant amount of time together in person.