New to OLD/need help !!HALP!!
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| Thu, 03-01-2007 - 5:07pm |
Hi..I’m new to I-village as well as new to dating again-I’m a widow in my early 60s who looks and acts at least 10 years younger—and when you are 60, 10 years means a lot .
Needless to say, online dating is too strange for words. Since I’m retired though, I have a hard time meeting men---don’t hang out in bars or churches or the senior center so thus far have had no success in meeting men face to face as we did in the olden days of 1960.
I’m fairly intuitive and have been pretty savvy about some flakes I’ve met online-thanks but NO! BuBYE!! Now I’m in a quandary over 2 men I have seen a few times.
Guy # 1—the Shrink- is my age. Nice looking, sophisticated, lots of interests, talks well, likes ethnic food, jazz etc, makes ok money BUT is not yet divorced.-He is going thru the first stages though and says “We have been separated for quite a while"—no definite length of time volunteered. He bad talks his wife, ie: cold, un loving, lied to him about liking sex, not friendly to his friends etc. He also has children 12 and 7 (a late bloomer as he was a Catholic priest for his young adulthood-Vatican II gave him an out)-After priesthood, he spent a long time single having all the sex he missed growing up. Finally married a woman who was a strict Catholic and didn’t believe in pre-marital sex. According to him, they had a very cold relationship for 13 years and he stuck it out for the kids. I hear my alarm going ding ding ding….Now the man has turned needy, clinging and is talking to me frequently about all the stress he is going thru with his divorce. I listen because I’m a mom and a comforter and it’s ok for a friend but not what I want from a relationship. I realize that I erred from the get go in encouraging him to talk because he seemed so sad a couple of times we went out--and I asked if he felt well--he started to tear up and got embarassed and of course my heart just sent out to hom--Niow I think I was just suckede in to comforting mode -but it's all not awful--we have neat philosophical discussions and talk about various religions and their background, pjhilosophies of different cultures, went to a movie with sub titles which tells me he has patience.
My intuition says he isn’t anywhere ready to start a new relationship and I have told him I am being very cautious and moving slow—he is really wanting to go to a new stage-as in have sex—and he does set off some sparks, but I don’t want to do anything in a hurry because: A) one night stands? (been there done that—not wanting it any more. B) have realized I’m not in any hurry now that I know I still am attractive to men and C) my husband is a hard act to follow and I’m picky.
How do I politely tell him that friendship is fine, hugs and kisses are fine but no further until he has dealt with the emotional turmoil his divorce is causing him. I don’t think he wants “just sex” I think he is in a rush to get a commitment and give one. I think the ego is shot because of the divorce. or maybe he is happy someone likes him !I’ll be a friend though I don’t want to be his shrink—and I want to say-You need some emotional counseling Guy…..A few nice tactful ideas would be so helpful! PS today he told me he is pulling his Yahoo profile down and asked me if I was keeping mine up..Well I signed up for a year and I said “Well, yes-duh- I have 8 months to go on my contract with Yahoo! I need to be quietly kind with him but firm..and I’m clueless how to go about it.
Guy#2-the Kid is A hunk, funny, a construction worker (I worked in construction when I worked also so we have the background of physical labor in common) His kids are grown and almost gone. He makes good money, I laugh like crazy when we are out together and he also wants to pull his Yahoo profile down. So what is this urge these guys have to meet me and 2 weeks later are doing the profile thing which, I hear, is akin to a proposal .He as been divorced 12 years and stayed single because he had custody of his son, the middle child who is deaf and required a lot of care, concern and effore-We also agreed on my reason for not dating--not wanting to have the kids grow to like someone and then have them leave.
Oh BTW-the Kid is 20 years younger than I—as in my eldest son is his age-44. He has dated older women frequently-says he prefers them because they are more interesting etc etc. He was in a LTR with a woman older than me and she decided to move to AZ from OR-his kids and grand child is here and he didn’t want to move, so she left. He is NOT pushy about sex, is very polite, has asked that I set the ground rules for our relationships progress-as in I make the move when/if I am ready to move things up a notch.
I’m puzzled and confused. I like these guys but not ready to stop looking. I’ve only been out with 4 men in 3 months (there aren’t a lot of active men in the 50-70 range it seems, or if they are active they want a 35 year old woman.
OTOH, it doesn’t appear I will have a lot of problems meeting men and since I was with my husband for over 20 years and intentionally single and celibate for 10 years prior to that as I was a single parent of 4 kids with a full time job—I had no time for dating and wanted to spare my kids the angst of more separation anxiety if they became connected with a boyfriend.
So-polite terms for telling #1 I don’t want to commit to a sexual relationship until I have met “THE” man and I know that we both are ready to be monogand want to continue to spend time with him, but don't pull the profile down because of me.
If you understand the above—bless you If you can ship me a clue or 2, more bless yous!
Eellee in the great northwest

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Yeah Mark--don't turn down what you know nothing about! Daughter is so close to you, however her DH might object to her having a boy toy herself. Right now her life is full of baby toys .
The Shrink hasn;t called again but I see he is still active on Yahoo Personals as of today, so he's still looking for a compassionate /passionate woman to............ (eellee thinking of polite word for the impolite words that are coming to her construction workers mind)........ ummm have a blistering affair with? Actually it's just that he is so horny--and I can relate to that. I feel very proud of myself for not letting the hormones take charge and just going for it. I really coulda gotten into him..as in my co-dependancy perked right up and said WOW-someone to take care of. I can do that! And he was a great great kisser-though that might just be my total lack of that kind of kissing for almost 2 years.And he is quite intelligent and I find intelligent men very sexy.
But but but he has so many issues that I (thanks again Mark) don't need to buy into right now.
Especially since Boy Toy was waiting in the wings. We are spending the hopefully nice day tomorrow doing some hiking around the area he lives which is about a 45 minute drive south of me. I have to go down anyhow as there are some great antique stores and I want to see what a few items are selling for retail-hopefully some similar to pieces I have that I want to unload.
So he's meeting me at the Antique Mall, hanging around there for a while, then we will go to a Casino for lunch and if it is really is nice maybe take off to the coast for the afternoon, or stay in the area and take my puppy for a long hike.
He really likes my dog--it's funny-he met me at the Pet Store last week, I was dropping Fiona (Scottish
Terrier) off for her first ' play date' with other doggies. When we came back 4 hrs later, the man who runs the place brought Fiona out and handed her to Boy Toy and started telling him what a good girl Fiona was and saying "Daddys little girl had so much fun" He just ate it up, was playing with the puppy and about didn't want to let her leash go.
When we talked about doing some getting out for the day, he told me-bring the dog please...I feel like someone likes my kids.
Update later. And no checking up on me Mark.
elle on oregon
I've been told I'm a great kisser.... :-P... :-* ..... Have fun!
Your DD will see me walking Chili down Davis near the elementary school...
Checking up? hmmmmm.... NOW I'm curious ;-).
Mark
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