new to online dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
new to online dating
24
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 6:00pm
Okay, so I met two guys in person so far. The first one didn't look anything like his picture,and he smelled really bad, like he has never showered in his life. Then the other guy was a little overweight but something about his eyes really turned me on. We got together again last night, He lives alone, and we just cuddled a bit and watched TV. I normally wouldn't do that, but he lives in the next town from me, and lives in an apartment in a family house in a very nice area. I knew he wasn't interested in a serious relationship, and I said I wasn't either, being newly divorced. I also know that the man should do all the calling, so I will not call and email him, I will wait for him to do that. It's just that now I have that sunken feeling in my heart, like heartbreak. I thought we really clicked, but he seemed to cool off last night. Maybe he was just tired, but I don't know. At one point I asked him when his birthday is, because his sign is just one month ahead of mine. And he told me, but he didn't ask when mine was, which hurt me a bit. then when I was leaving, he didn't ask me to ring his phone so he could check if I got home safely. I am heartbroken. I know not to call him, but I still have that heartbroken feeling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 6:18pm
I feel for ya. Good for you to be honest about your feelings. OLD can be very disappointing and hard to make sense of. I haven't dated for awhile but I think a lot of people are just looking for quick hook-ups. I just remind myself to thankful I don't have to waste my time on them when they realize that's not what I'm about. This guy may come around, or he may not, but may I suggest you may be vulnerable because of your ex. It may be too painful to think of your ex that way right now. Good luck!
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 6:31pm

So I am confused. You stated that you are not interested in a "serious" relationship and have agreed with Guy #2 that both of you do not want one. So I am puzzled about being heartbroken after one date and not wanting to be serious.

I suspect that you are aware intellectually knowing that it is not wise to be in a relationship that is romantic but emotionally you have a need to be wanted/desired/cared for, an understandable thing after a divorce.

Take care
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 8:54pm
I know I should have clarified it better. The divorce was my idea, so I totally lost any desire for my ex. The ad read, activity partner, romantic encounters, dates, etc., just not marriage or kids, etc. (I went back and clarified what it said after the guy contacted, me). Mark, I need a guy's point of view also. The thing is that I don't care if it's not marriage, etc, becasue I'm not looking for that right now. But even regular friends ask each other to ring their phone so they know they got home okay. Now, he was massaging me, and his hands wandered a little, and I was half asleep and I let him, but it really didn't go furher than that. I kidded around and said, "no monkey business", and he laughed and said, "I know". But I am just so confused and hurt.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 9:31pm

Heartbroken??? I'm sorry, maybe I'm missing something, but if I'm reading your post correctly, you've had 2 dates with this man. How can you be heartbroken over someone you barely know?

Can you clarify? Because it sounds to me like you might not be in a good place emotionally to be dating, if you're truly feeling heartbroken.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:57pm
okay, maybe let down is a better answer.
Before my husband and I split, we took turns sleep on the couch for a year, so the possibility of having someone hold me again and care for me was a nice feeling. And after we met, he sounded like he liked me so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 12:21am
I think one has to be pretty thick skinned to participate in online dating. Don't take it so personally - you can't; it's just the way it goes. There are some really nice, sincere men out there who are honestly just looking for someone to connect with. And there are some that are looking for other things. Keep looking. I've have had many first dates where we shared a good meal and good conversation but it went no further. But that's okay. Good luck.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 2:15am

For me to place what to expect from someone that I don't really know is setting myself up for disappointment. Your example of calling to see if you got home safe is something that I certainly don't think of and I consider myself as a very caring man. I have both women and men friends and none of us ask to call.

I did not read that he explicitly said how he cared about you as you seem to have read into by his behavior. The point of dating is to get to know each other over time. The first or second time does not really count for most couples.

It sounds that you are at a really vulnerable place and are looking for some caring and loving for now. It seems you interpret his physical/sexual behavior with some emotional attachment. This is still too early to have that.

Make sense?
Take care,
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 7:06am
Thank you all so much. It makes me feel better to hear the different points of view. Perhaps, I'm too sensitive, and with time, I will toughen up. I am glad, though, that I hold back and don't call; at least I have that control. Maybe the rest will come with time, and practice. Meanwhile, I am using the empty time wisely; exercising, eating healthy foods to get myself in the best shape possible, and spending time with the people and pets that I love. I guess it's take some time to get used to this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 12:07pm
I'm a little confused as to why you can't call him and ask to get together again. Any particular reason why? There is not actually a rule stating that women can't call men.







Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 1:15pm

She *could* call him...but then if he responds favorably, she wouldn't know for sure if he's really interested, or just being polite. I'm in that situation now and it really sucks...we're going out on our 3rd date today but I really don't have any idea if he's really interested or just reacting to my interest in him, because I've prodded him into calling me rather than him initiating the calls and I wish I hadn't done that.

So that's my primary reason for not calling or emailing a guy early on. You just don't know if a guy's really interested if you initiate the contact.

It's interesting going through this while also dating someone who is clearly VERY interested in me and who doesn't hesitate to show it through frequent calls and dates that he initiates (for the most part--I would call him but I don't have to because he's always calling me ;-)). I do like the guy I'm seeing today but if he doesn't step up his actions to show me his interest level soon, he's going to miss out.

Sheri

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