new to online dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
new to online dating
24
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 6:00pm
Okay, so I met two guys in person so far. The first one didn't look anything like his picture,and he smelled really bad, like he has never showered in his life. Then the other guy was a little overweight but something about his eyes really turned me on. We got together again last night, He lives alone, and we just cuddled a bit and watched TV. I normally wouldn't do that, but he lives in the next town from me, and lives in an apartment in a family house in a very nice area. I knew he wasn't interested in a serious relationship, and I said I wasn't either, being newly divorced. I also know that the man should do all the calling, so I will not call and email him, I will wait for him to do that. It's just that now I have that sunken feeling in my heart, like heartbreak. I thought we really clicked, but he seemed to cool off last night. Maybe he was just tired, but I don't know. At one point I asked him when his birthday is, because his sign is just one month ahead of mine. And he told me, but he didn't ask when mine was, which hurt me a bit. then when I was leaving, he didn't ask me to ring his phone so he could check if I got home safely. I am heartbroken. I know not to call him, but I still have that heartbroken feeling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 1:29pm

You could say the same thing from the man's point of view, though. "Is she just saying yes to be polite?" Why should we expect men to go through something just because we don't want to?

I just think it's a double standard, and one that I've never really followed. Even if I can't tell if a guy is saying yes to be polite, I can usually tell if he's into me or just polite once we go out.







Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 1:37pm

Ah...that's because it's the man's role in the courtship process to show interest, and men know that ;-).

I don't think that it's a double standard, personally. It's just the way courtship works.

I wish I had your crystal ball powers ;-)...I can't tell about this guy's interest level for the life of me! But perhaps the 3rd time will be a charm today and I'll know one way or the other.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 1:54pm

Well, I'm pretty conservative when it comes to dating, but I also have all male friends - male friends who tell me that they aren't going to keep calling a girl for dates when she never calls and shows any interst in him. These are spineless pushovers either, these are men who are pretty assertive, but like they say, why would they keep pursuing a woman who doesn't show any interest? I agree with them - women can't just sit back and say, "Pursue me, and I'll just sit here and act unintersted."

Besides, I can't read people at all (not just in dating, but in all situations) so it's really something I have to actively work at all the time. It's a skill that I've had to actually learn, just like learning to tie my shoes.







Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 2:09pm

Oh, I could see that after a bunch of dates...but not right at the beginning (first 4-5 dates). Besides, women generally show interest by being receptive to a guy's calls, accepting dates, and being warm and enthusiastic towards him while on the date...so if she's doing so, she's interested! If she's NOT doing that stuff, then she's not interested.

Hmm about the reading people...I'm usually pretty good at that, actually, and I would have thought this guy was interested based on how he behaved during our first meet and just the general vibe I got...but the fact that he didn't call me until I emailed him (almost a week after the date) has really thrown me off. And after our 2nd date, he said "I'll call you, or you can always call me"...and then he didn't, so I finally called him Thursday (our 2nd date was last Saturday) and he returned the call Friday. It makes me think he's either interested in me as friends, or that he's only *somewhat* interested and keeping me on a back burner. So if he doesn't do or say something today to clearly indicate that he is interested, I'm probably going to move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 2:57pm
I'm afraid to call him because I've read "The Rules" and it makes alot of sense. It's a primal urge for a man to do the pursuing. Also, I sensed him cooling off when I left Friday night, so why put myself in a position to be rejected? I am feeling more confident as the day goes on, but my ego DID take a beating. There is also a possibility that he wants to make sure that I am self confident enough that I don't go chasing him. I know men love a challenge, at least in the beginning. Sometimes they need time to think whether they are really interested in you, and time away from you, without hearing from you, may respark their interest, I don't know though. I don't know why I thought that online dating would be any different than regular dating. This is a real lesson in human nature for me though. Very intersting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 3:03pm

I agree with what some of the other posters said ... dont let yourself be so wrapped up so soon - b/c it WILL only lead to hurt feelings.


I know its hard when you have those 1st feelings of really liking someone & being in the situation you were (cuddling, etc) you probably let yourself get your hopes up too much.


BUT, i too see NO reason why you wouldnt WANT to let him know you are that interested, by at least emailing or calling him to say "thanks, had a great time & would love to do it again".

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 4:23pm
I am afraid. I am so scared of being hurt. Even though we only saw each other twice. I am hesitant to call or email because of fear of rejection.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 4:26pm

The biggest fear is fear itself. Act despite it. Just call and see what happens. At worst, he rejects you. But remember you're still a gorgeous, wonderful woman regardless of him. At best, he'll accept and you can see what's up after that.


Just do it... that one little baby step will set you free.


Kerry

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 6:05pm

Since he hasn't called, you can be reasonably sure he's no longer interested so the risk of rejection is very high.

I disagree with the posters who are suggesting that you contact him. He will do so if he's interested.

For me, it's not a "rules" thing, but rather experience has taught me, over and over and over again...if a guy's interested, he'll call.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 8:37pm
I think showing interest needs to go both ways. I'm not saying she should call him necessarily. How long has it been? A day or two? That makes a lot of difference. Some guys need something to motivate them a little. It's just not good to go overboard, but we all have our own unique personalities that the other is either going to accept or reject ultimately. There's no point in hiding who we are entirely. Although I think small samples in the beginning are probably best. Good luck.