new topic! making new friends in OLD?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
new topic! making new friends in OLD?
13
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 10:52am

Okay, here I go again. This is a whole new thread, I know some of you better now, and am seeking the wisdom and perspectives of the more experienced people in OLD.

As I started dating the infamous age-fudger, I stopped communicating with a guy with whom I'd exchanged a few messages. He sent the last message to which I never responded because I was caught up in the whirlwind and lost my head. So, to use the terminology I picked up on this board, I "ghosted." After things ended with the age-fudger and I decided to get my profile back up, I felt badly about ghosting on the guy, so I sent him a message apologizing for not replying. I didn't feel the need to go into detail about what happened, just that there were personal matters that had me occupied. There is no agenda in this for me, I simply wanted to apologize for being so discourteous and wish him the best. I also did this after reading about many of your experiences with being ghosted on.

Anyway, he wrote back to me this morning and asked if I'd like to meet for coffee. He comes across as a nice guy and doesn't appear pushy in his messages, but in light of what I've just been through and after reading his profile, I'm quite sure that I'm not interested in dating him. However, right now, I would love to just make some new friends and coffee buddies with whom I can chat and have some laughs. We seem to have some things in common (both in academia) and at least we'd have things to talk about. I wouldn't say he's attractive (really nerdy) so there's no danger of being seduced into another physical relationship. He does seem like someone I could be friends with.

So my question is (and I eagerly solicit your advice here), would it be wrong to agree to meet with him when I'm nearly 100% sure there will be no romantic interest? Should I say this before meeting, or is it fine to just go ahead and meet and make a decision from there?

Thanks.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:01pm

I don't know what site you are using but match has a feature that allows you to contact people in order to make new friends. I actually got some success by meeting new women friends last year by using that feature. Every woman I met said I was the only one they had ever seen try to increase their circle of friends through match. If you are on match you would be a fool not to use it if you are interested in meeting new people.

Having said all that, I would explain to this man beforehand that you are not up for a romantic relationship and would ONLY be meeting him for friendship. That way there will be no confusion. He may already have plenty of friends and not want any new ones. Please don't misrepresent yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:10pm

Absolutely tell him before meeting that you are not in a place where you want to get romantic with anyone but that you liked him and would like to be friends. You MUST set that expectation up front otherwise he might get the wrong idea. Chances are, he asked you for coffee with the idea that he is meeting you for a potential romantic/dating relationship - it IS and online "dating" site after all.

Personally, I think that if you are not ready to date for a while, it is better to either take your profile down for a while and take a break or to put that in your profile (but don't use that silly "Friends First" cliche) but say that you want to meet people without having to put a romantic or dating spin on it right away. You don't want to give off the wrong impression and have someone wind up being disappointed.

Edited to add: Due to a recent personal circumstance, I am ALL about attempting to put myself in the other person's place before I do or say things these days and say "How would I feel if someone did this to ME?". IMO, if a guy that I was interested in after we'd met up for coffee told me that he knew 100% that he was not interested in dating right now and knew that before we'd even met, I think I would be both disappointed and a little angry. Don't get my hopes up if you have no intention of following through! I think you have to let him know so that if that's what he's looking for, he can feel free to either go ahead with the meet knowing that or move on b/c that's not what he's looking for.




Edited 12/7/2005 12:16 pm ET by vexer_hw

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:26pm

I'm getting the sense that it's not that you don't want to date right now, it's that you don't think you'll want to date THIS guy...is that right?

If so, I think I'd email him something like, "I'm not sure if we are a romantic match but we do seem to have a lot in common. If you're interested in making a new friend, I'd love to meet for coffee". That way, you've let him know that romance is unlikely, but you haven't completely closed the door either.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:33pm
But what if she changes her mind once she meets him? You can’t convey chemistry from a photo or phone call – sometimes in person people surprise us? It’s not being deceptive – if her gut is right once they meet fine but you never know.........I’d keep the door open just in case.
 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:34pm

I didn't know about the friends feature in match.com. I will check it out.

I will go ahead and let him know that if just friendship is okay, then I'd love to have coffee. I didn't know if that would be presumptuous of me but I should make that clear and then he can decide if he's even interested in meeting anymore.

And I will avoid going out on "dates" for a while anyway. I still want to meet someone great and eventually have a stable, satisfying relationship. I haven't soured on the idea. If anything, my recent experience has made it clearer to me what I want. I guess what I'm reshuffling in my head is how to I will approach OLD from now on.

I realized that I'm just not a fling kind of girl and if I'm going to continue to do OLD, it will be with the hopes of eventually finding a stable, satisfying relationship. And in this case, establishing friendship is very important to me. I can't be in a relationship with someone I'm also not friends with. So what do I do? Look for attraction first? Assess the friendship potential first?

In my past relationships (none of which were from OLD), I had known the men for months, even years, before we decided to get involved romantically. I had gotten to know them pretty well first (met them at school, work, through friends) so I knew I liked and respected them as the crush/romantic feelings developed. With meeting men online, I feel like the emphasis on "attraction" supercedes everything at least in the beginning. This makes me uncomfortable because in some cases, I wasn't attracted enough to want to get involved just yet (is it bad that I might need some time?) and the guy was like, "okay what's the point then? See you later." In my most recent case, I let the attraction pretty much run everything and you know how that ended up.

I feel like after my recent experience, I need a primer on OLD. Argh.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:39pm

Right, that's why I would say it the way I did rather than cutting off the possibility completely.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 1:15pm

Yes but I don’t suggest she say “they might not be a romantic match” it will automatically make his “guard” go up as it would for you, me or anyone therefore he won’t be his playful or serious or whatever self he is on the date. I say just go and see what happens, if there is no sparks then offer a friendship letter or suggestion.

This is just dating; no guarantees either way – they don’t need to know your play by play feelings before even meeting (if I told that to a few of my past ex’s before meeting I wouldn’t have experienced a few of the relationships I did)– see what happens then make a decision.

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 1:38pm

I really was surprised that he wrote me back after I sent him the apology for ghosting. I figured he'd moved on or just decided I was a flake. Instead he said there was no need for me to apologize and he understands that things happen and he hopes I squared things away. Really nice sentiment.

There's validity to both points, but I decided to go ahead and write him. The way I said it was, at the moment in light of recent personal events, I'm interested in seeing if we could strike up a friendship, and possibly go from there. I know, a lot of qualifiers and vague language, but why unload on this poor guy I've never met? I also said if he doesn't want to meet in light of all of this, I totally understand.

Will keep you posted on this and other developments...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 1:54pm

Great – you did what you needed to do not what we needed you to do, LOL – sometimes we forget that on OLD. Everyone handles things differently and what matters is what you feel comfortable with. Good luck.

Ms. Peanut

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 3:23pm

Two thumbs up for your email. I agree that although during the dating (especially OLD) process we don't need to disclose too much information, some honesty can be appreciated. I've mentioned here before about a nice guy I met on Match. He disappeared for 2 weeks after one or two email exchanges, and then returned to explain that he had been talking to someone he was excited about. He said while it was still in the early stages, he felt uncomfortable continuing our interaction without letting me know that upfront. So I thanked him for his honesty and we remained as friends (I told him that I also just met someone else, and we both agreed that maybe one day other possibilities will open up if things didn't work out with our matches). One day he told me that things didn't work out with his match. We continued chatting for a while and he asked if I'd like to explore the "possbility" that we talked about (funny thing is that later he discovered that I am non-Christian and apologized again for not seeing us have the potential for LTR - before I had the chance to tell him that I am still seeing this other dude. We still haven't met in person. Oh well. At least we're still friends. :P) I certainly appreciated when he informed me about his intention and his current dating "status." I think it shows integrity. :) While there is also validity to the argument that you should go and check out first before making your decision, I think personally I would feel guilty for not letting this person know. It's a hard call between doing the right thing and doing the "smart" thing (why does it have to be either-or sometimes...?).

Jess

Pages