Newbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Newbie
11
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 2:52pm
Hi, everyone! I'm Ann, and I've been separated for almost 3 years and just started my divorce proceedings, which will be over very soon. I think I'm ready for a relationship, but want to take it vveerrrrryyyyyyyy slow! This is why: I'm a mom of 3, work full time, am assistant leader in my son's cub scout den, and my 4 year old son is in his last 10 months of chemotherapy for leukemia. Pretty busy, but I can find time online.

So, can anyone direct me to a starting place?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
In reply to: divorced_mom2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 3:11pm
WELCOME ANN!!! SO happy you decided to come over to our board. The more the merrier!!! I will say I am sending your son some good, healthy hugs in hopes his heatlth returns to normal soon!!!! (((Be strong little one.)))

Now, to answer your question, what I might suggest is checking out a few personal ads on yahoo, or msn, and see what you think you might like...now if you want to pay for a membership on a website for personals, that is an option as well. Here are some you might want to check out.

Match.com, Lavalife.com, EHarmony.com, and there are a few others I have heard of, but cannot remember. Some of the other girls here probably have more suggestions for you. I wish you the best with your quest to be online. Be careful and once you find something that interests you, let us know and we will guide you step by step. Post often and be happy!!! Mother of three, WOW!!!!

I myself am a mother of two boys. SO, I can relate and if you ever need any thing, just email me personally,

twinklelitlestar@hotmail.com


Gail:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: divorced_mom2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 3:46pm
I think you should start from the premise that since you are still married - separated is still married - you should wait to date until at least a year after your divorce is final. If you want to look into the reasons for this theory check out Dr. Joy Browne's website and/or radio program if it is broadcast in your area.

Best of luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
In reply to: divorced_mom2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 5:15pm
Deena, I agree that one should not try to date anybody else while still being in a relationship or somehow mentally bonded BUT as I understood Ann she is already seperated for about 3 years. I guess that should be enough and whenever she feels ready to start dating again she can.

As for me, I would never live (or date!) after certain rules or books or whatever. Dr. Brwone does not know me so how can he tell me when it's time for dating or not. The same as these "wait for 3 days before you contact him" or "don't spend too much time with him before he has gotten serious". Well, just my opinion but we are all individuals and that's why generalization is never good and has never worked for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
In reply to: divorced_mom2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 5:29pm
Hi Ann,

A very warm welcome to the board.

There is a lot of potential on the different dating websites especially if you are busy with your kids and work. It's easier to look around online than having to go out and find a nice guy in a restaurant or a bar.

I would recommend the same as Gail did. Just browse through the different offers to get an impression what is on the market and what you are looking for. Some of these pages are very detailed and give a lot of information before you even have personal contact. I like match.com and lavalife best but that's just my personal opinion and probably because both services gave me a very special guy. (Met my Ex at match and my NOW (and hopefully ever) at lavalife)

As for me, I had always just looked for people who had pictures online and had at least one current picture in my own profile as well.

Unfortunately there are weirdos outside and online as well but I guess with a little bit of common sense (and who else should have that if not a mother of three!?) one should be able to filter them out quite soon. After a few conversations you will know if somebody is really interested in you or just in playing online-games.

Wish you the best of luck, especially for your little son!

Nicole

Avatar for kelstev
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: divorced_mom2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 7:04pm
Totally agree with you, Nic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: divorced_mom2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 12:51am
According to Dr. Browne - and I agree - separated - whether for 6 months or 6 years is still married and you need at least a year of being legally single - at least - so no generalizations as some people will need much longer - to be ready to date again - just has to do with marriage not with living together or dating etc - I don't live by generalizations either but some I do - such as - it is wrong to take cocaine, it is wrong to punch your child, it is wrong to have an affair while married, most men like to be the pursuers in teh beginning, it is probably a bad idea to accept a weekned date after wednesday night, and it is probably a bad idea to knock a famous psychologist before getting any further information about her - those are generalizations I live by - and having listened to many people who call Dr. Browne, have broken the one year rule, and are very sorry they did - I believe there is a lot of wisdom in that suggestion.

She is a married woman and a mother of three in addition and IMHO she should wait to date until divorced for at least a years - there is a reason she is still married - whether it is an emotional tie, a financial tie, a money reason, a laziness reason, a custody reason - there is a reason and that speaks volumes about her readiness - or lack thereof - to date - for example, she can't get married because she is married and that knowledge - that mindset - is one of many reasons why it is a bad idea to date when you are still legally married.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful disagreement - I am certain you will not hesitate to voice your disagreements strongly in the future and I will enjoy responding with just as much "oomph." Have a great night!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
In reply to: divorced_mom2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 8:13am
First of all, I am very sorry that I called Dr. Browne he while Joy is definitely a woman's first name, should have read that more exact. I won't say I have knocked her advice before knowing what is was. But she has not analyzed Ann herself so what I meant was that the advice she has given to other people must not be the right one for everybody else. I totally agree that people should be completely done with the previous relationship before they start another one but in my opinion that has nothing to do with papers or fixed periods. One may be over his failed relationship in one week and the other one will need a year or more.

I totally agree with your "generalizations" about cocaine, children and affairs and could add a few more like "It's wrong to drink and drive", but they all belong to a list of things people should take heed of in daily life. It's different in relationships though.

I just don't like these rules which try to generalize the way men and women have to come in contact with each other or how they keep their relationship working. I think I know what I am talking about because I have read a lot of these guidebooks myself and took them serious in the beginning. But you cannot generalize one man is like the other (the same with women of course) and therefore a way may work with guy A but is totally wrong with guy B. If it would be that easy as sometimes written in these books I wonder why they not handle a copy of the most popular guidebooks to each couple during their wedding ceremony and then we won't have that many divorces anymore! You had often stated here that living after a few rules worked out for you, so that's fine and I am happy for you about that. But I know about one of my relationships which definitely failed because I took these advises too seriously and let him have all the lead which was not what he needed. He felt insecure about himself, his job, his house and nearly everything in his life (I still don't know why because in my opinion he is an overall great guy who has reached more in life than most people ever will) and always thought he may not be good enough for me. And because I was somehow insecure myself and therefore prefered not to just act like I wanted to but live after book guidelines like never go further than he did and never say I like, love, need, miss .... you before he did, I finally lost him.

Coming back to Ann and her situation, you may be right that there must a reason why she is still married but after being seperated for almost three years and taking into consideration that she said she wanted to go on very slowly and just feels right with starting to look again, I thought it wasn't that supportive when you tell her to wait for another year after her divorce is finalized. I guess people who have kids together will always have a personal bondage to each other and it won't be fair to not date anybody else as long as the kids are there. Of course the well-being of the children always has to come first but Mom and Dad have a life themselves and a happy mother is the better mother most of the time.

Well Deena, as you can see we do not disagree in everything and talks like that hold this board alive, so lets just go on. I definitely enjoy responding to you and always like to read your statements (sometimes I agree totally!). We are here to learn from each other and I appreciate the advises given and hope that I can sometimes help with my experiences as well.

Hope that you have a good weekend!

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: divorced_mom2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 11:33am
Well we can respectfully disagree - I believe in Dr. Joy's one year rule - and it is not like a dating rule it is a deep emotionally and psychologically and practically based rule -

As far as the guy who you let take the lead - I have a simple explanation for that - he wanted you to take the lead because he was that insecure about his own life? Well, that would answer the question for me, personally - I would not want to get involved with a person who was that insecure that he could not in the beginning take the initiative in a relationship would be the wrong guy for me so in that case my rules that work for me- would once again, work for me.

Again the one year rule is not like the wednesday rule or other dating rules - ann is still a married woman - she is legally married - and dating while still married or freshly divorced is typically a very unhealthy/bad idea for so many reasons. she has chosen to stay still married for whatever reason and I believe the choice that goes along with that isnot dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
In reply to: divorced_mom2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 4:52pm
Hi deena and niccolina

I've been reading both your posts regarding dating while separated but not yet divorced. I thought I'd share my point of view.

My parents have been separated for 10 yrs. They do not plan to divorce nor do they plan on reconciling. Both say that they have no desire to ever get married again. So how does this impact on dating?

Well, my mother does not date. I do not know the reasons why. I can speculate but whenever I ask her, she just says that she doesn't want to date.

My father lives with a woman and they have been together on and off for many years. During off periods he has dated a variety of women. Holidays and family occassions are spent with his family - including my mother. These special events are not shared (ever) with the live-in girlfriend or any dates. Honestly I don't know how the women in his life put up with this.

The point is that even after 10 years of separation neither one is prepared to fully give themselves emotionally to another person. Neither is willing to commit to building a life with another person.

Now, I'm not saying that Divorced Mom should not date because I understand that she might be lonely and/or in need or want of companionship. However, she should be honest with herself in terms of what she expects from dating and she should be honest with the men she dates. For example, if she does not feel that she can be in an emotionally involved, long term or commited relationship the men should know this upfront. Also, on dating sites she should list her marital status as separated and not divorced or single. Most importantly she should prioritize the emotional well-being of her children - assuming that they are young children.

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
In reply to: divorced_mom2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 6:53pm
Totally agree with your last paragraph!

I once knew a guy who had "divorced" as his status in his profile and it turned out later that he was just separated for about six months and in the middle of negotiating his divorce contract. When I complained about that he said there is no difference in being seperated or divorced except he was not able to marry again immeditaley. Not my opinion especially when the separation has not taken place that long ago and (as in his case) he has been married for about 14 years.

There is nothing bad in starting to date again when the divorce is not completed if somebody feels ready for it but the potential partners should know about the actual status so that they can make their own conclusion out of that. If I would have known that the guy was still married I would never have answered his contact from the beginning.

The last thing I would like to add is that I hope Ann (the original poster of this discussion) is still around and not completely scared away by all of us who did more talking about her and her situation than with her. Hope that you will share how your story goes on and what you think about our rambling here.

Nicole

Pages