Newbie here & need an opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Newbie here & need an opinion
10
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 8:21pm

I've been kind of lurking....and I'm not to sure if this is where I should be. I posted on another board and just felt like they just didn't quite comprehend. The CL did, but none of the posters did so I thought I would try it here and see what you guys think?

Here's the deal......I've been talking to this guy off and on for the past three years now. We communicate via Yahoo IM & we call each other things like that. He lives four hours away. Well we have been friends thruout the three years but have never met. Like I said, we have talked off and on for the past several years. He is a very nice person, he is 24 and I will be 28 next month. We've exchanged pics things like that, have even talked about meeting each other. He still lives at home w/his parents.....which is fine,....I just hope he don't plan on living with them for the rest of his life lol. He says all these sweet things to me....all the things a woman loves to hear lol. Anyway, to make a long story short.....he and I haven't spoken that much in the past week. Last time I IM'd him was a week ago, he said he was tired and was going to lay down, said he would talk to me later. Next day I IM'd him again,....he said hey, hows it going, said he was tired........and he never said anything else, NOTHING. I didn't IM him back. Yesterday, I was out and about and he IM'd me while I was gone and said hey, I might be afk, you can give me a call if you want, if you are even there. I got his IM when I got back...I called him....he didnt answer, I left him a vmail on his phone. He never called me back. I IM'd him again todayand said, "hey there, just wanted to say "hi", I'm pretty certain you are afk so you know how to get a hold of me, ttyl ;)". He may be at work because does work. But what I'm wondering is.....why does he not respond and why does he tell me to call and when I do he doesnt answer (I can understand if he was busy) and why didnt he return my call?

I know this is long but I figured you guys here would understand. I really like him, but I hate to go after something that isn't there...you know what I mean? What do you guys think? Am I worrying too much? Thanks for reading! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 9:00pm

So why hasn't he responded in the last few days? It's possible that he's distracted with something else. Now whether that be life, a woman or something else, we'll never know. The thing is... can you meet him? If you think there's something special there, I would say push for a meet. Have you ever? And if so what did he say.


It sounds like you have a friendship so where do you want it to go from there?


Kerry

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 9:42pm

No, I can't say I do understand, sorry...if you're just friends, then what's the big deal? And if you're NOT just friends, why haven't you met in 3 years???

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 9:13am
Im just curious, why haven't you guys met? Three years is so long without having met! :)
I wouldn't worry too much about him not replying. There are probably things going on that are consuming his attention (maybe he is dating though?). You mentioned that you guys have talked on and off. This may just be an off phase. On the other hand, if you are ready to take this internet friendship further, it would be great to let him know this. Write him an email and ask him if he'd like to meet soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 9:29am

As I stated on the other board, this guy could be married, be incarcerated, or whatever. You have had a pen pal friendship with a man on the internet for 3 years. Nothing more, nothing less. Not sure what you are seeking but if you want more I suggest you meet people online who are interested in building a relationship IN REAL LIFE!

How come you guys never met??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 9:58am
Thank you for the open minded feed back. He's not in jail and he isnt married. He still lives at home w/his parents for crying out loud. He's 24 & I'm 28. I don't like opening up old wounds.....so here it is,.....my last relationship........was abusive, VERY abusive....and I met him online. Which may be a reason why I am hesitant in meeting this guy that i have been talking about. The more I think about it tho......with his roller coaster ups and downs....he will talk one week and go the next without hardly saying a word, I'm just not going to wait around for him to open his jaws to speak to me again, he knows how to get a hold of me. Why I let it bug me,...I don't know! It's why I came on here to ask to see what you all thought about it. I probably have come to the wrong board and I do thank you all for the open minded advice. Have a great wknd.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 11:43am
I'm confused. Why do you keep thinking you've come to the wrong board?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 1:06pm

You are absolutely welcome here and you did come to the right board. I promise :-)

one thing that concerned me is that you said you were in an abusive relationship before. it appears that you are letting a mix of your previous bad experience prevent you from firming up meeting him. also, what is actually happening between you two is *subpar* ... you seem to be still accepting a standard of treatment which isn't doing you any good for your life. Perhaps from your previous relationship now you habituate what happened to you by allowing it to continue to go on in your life. what im trying to say is that resisting meeting him could be just as bad as what you are afraid of happening (him abusing u)..either way, you are maintaining the abuse in your life

you said:
"The more I think about it tho......with his roller coaster ups and downs....he will talk one week and go the next without hardly saying a word, I'm just not going to wait around for him to open his jaws to speak to me again, he knows how to get a hold of me. Why I let it bug me,...I don't know!"

Three years have gone by with the ups and downs and you have waited and waited. I think the problem actually is that he knows how to get a hold of you and there you are, same as always. I think you're ready for something better, a better quality of your life. I hope you can email him that you'd like to meet him. Otherwise, it might be time to sever this cyber "friendship". it somehow manages to consume your energy. it isnt serving the purpose that youd hoped. maybe it's serving his purpose, but its preventing you from finding the right guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 1:08pm

You didn't come to the wrong board. As a matter of fact you came to the perfect board to ask the question. It appears to me, however; that you aren't loving the advice you were given. Not meeting someone for 3 years makes it a friendship and doesn't lessen the emotional bond you have with him. BUT.....meet this man and resolve it. Don't end up like me and continue it for 6 years for fear that if you work to resolve it he will go away. Your last relationship I am assuming ended over 3 years ago when you started chatting with this guy so you need to heal. Seek counseling for the abuse and move on.

I would suggest to this person that you meet in face to face. If he says no.....then resign yourself to being his friend only. As I have been told so many times over and over and over again if he wanted a face to face relationship with you he would climb mountains to meet you. Disappointing yes......but what I have done and worked on my self-esteem and confidence enough to attract more healthier relationships.

Good luck.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 1:51pm

Thank you Dionne & Fluffy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 2:01pm
hey, you're welcome. you're in a holding-pattern with this guy. communication waxes and wanes. you really cant expect any more than that without having met in person. perhaps if you met in person it would pick up momentum as such that you two would talk on a more stable basis and perhaps click enough to have a real relationship.