Newbie: Men who hide online

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Newbie: Men who hide online
7
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 5:20pm
I'm a newbie to this board but not online dating...One guy who I'm sort of chatting with seems hesistant to communicate with me via IM, but writes paragraphs to me when I'm offline (or they think I'm offline)...has anyone else experienced this? Are they just not into me or are they extremely shy? I've resigned to not be the first to initate an online convo, if they're interested in me, let them make the first move, I'm done doing it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 5:58pm
I don't like using IM for online dating purposes. I only use it to talk to my friend who lives in the UK (much cheaper than phoning). Anytime I've tried using IM with men who've contacted me online the outcome was never positive.

But...re. this guy, I don't think that's the issue. If he's writing paragraphs to you when he thinks you're not online I don't think that he has any intention of meeting you in person. It could be extreme shyness or insecurity. He might be hiding something. Maybe he really doesn't want to date but he likes the attention.

Several times I spoke to men on the phone or exchanged emails over a period of time but never met them. In most cases there was geographical distance so I let the emails/calls carry on longer than I normally would. But at any rate, when discussions of meeting repeatedly failed to materialize I eventually said "goodbye." (Now there would have to be pretty extraordinary circumstances involved before I agree to communicate with someone long-distance).

Recently I asked for opinions re. a man who talked to me on the phone and said he'd like to meet but then never called again. He said that he was very shy and that it takes him a long time to feel comfortable meeting anyone - not just me. I never did hear from him again (This was about 3 weeks ago). Unfortunately, some men do hide online. Here is a link to that thread if you want to read it.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcyber&msg=5983.1&ctx=128

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 9:07pm
I won't communicate with anyone on line for more than one or two emails before speaking on the phone and making plans to meet in the near future - if he won't even communicate with you via IM it's probably because his wife or girlfriend is looking over his shoulder.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 9:28pm

Hello i_love_legolas, welcome to the board!


One thing I am curious about --- your post was titled Men who hide online" yet it was apparent from your post that you knew he was online but he did not know that you were...("...when I'm offline (or they think I'm offline)"... so, you were hiding, right?


Ok, I don't really have an answer for why he hesitates to IM with you - I know that I have IM but really would rather take my time and write an email instead of the back and forth of IM'ming... It may be that he has the ability to think more clearly and is more comfortable when writing paragraphs (besides, it makes it much easieer to correct something before it is sent that way) then when using IM.


I wouldn't try to analyze the why's of it - ask him if you really want to know. And, if you always want to let the man take the lead and initiate conversation, that's your choice. I didn't think it made any difference who went first as long as it was a good conversation. That's just my opinion.


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 12:28am
I think that guy is a little strange. I'm usually shy in person when it comes to making a move on women, but not over the internet. I think someone else had a good point when they said maybe he has a wife or girlfriend looking over his shoulder because I don't understand why he wouldn't want to IM you if he'd be interested in you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 10:09am
Actually, I don't like IM for purposes of getting to know someone from an online dating site. I much prefer to exchange a couple of emails, talk on the phone once or twice, then meet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 10:47am
What I meant by being offline was that I login in automatically to yahoo as invisible because i don't want any unwanted IMs or sometimes I don't want to be bothered if I'm doing something work related, etc....but if I'm having a convo with someone I don't wait til they're offline to reply...like he apparently has been doing, so I'm not "hiding"...I reply and initiate messages with them while they are online...but as some of you have said, perhaps this isn't the best method of extending an online dating relationship...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 11:29am
I wouldn't assume that he is intentionally waiting until you're offline to reply. I don't even pay attention to whether someone is online when I send emails.

And one more thing - if yahoo ALWAYS shows you as offline, then how do you know he waits until he thinks you're offline - wouldn't it look to him like you're always offline?