newbie needing input

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
newbie needing input
7
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 10:30am

Hi everyone, I'm back to doing old after a pretty messed up situation has obviously played itself out. Anyway, I placed a free ad on Yahoo, and almost immediately(like the next day) got a response from someone that I'm thinking is too good to be true. He sent me his pic, and yeah he's cute, was even honest with me about how old it is and what has changed. We exchanged emails starting last week, chatted online a couple of times, then moved to the phone. I'm thinking he's kind of shy cuz a couple of times the convo would lag, so maybe that will change after we get to know each other better. We have so much in common its really scary, but he has no children, and I have 3, which is the first concern that I have. The second concern that I have is the fact that he shares his first name with my late husband. Other then the few things I've mentioned this guy really does seem like a good match. Is dating someone with no kids when you have a kids a really bad idea? Am I just letting myself in for another let down again, or am I being to cynical? Any advice would be appreciated, thanks

Tracie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 10:44am

Stop talking online and on the phone and meet for coffee to see if there's any chemistry in person. Nothing's real until you meet in person, and talking too long before you meet creates a false sense that you "know" the person, when you don't.

If you hit it off in person and he asks you out again and you actually *go* out again, then you can address the kids issue. You did mention that you have kids in your profile, right? So if he weren't interested in dating women with kids, presumably he wouldn't have answered your ad.

It's just coffee. So meet already!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 11:05am

What Sheri said. Meet the guy. That's how you're going to best find out what kind of chemistry there might be! :)

>>Is dating someone with no kids when you have a kids a really bad idea?<<

We just had a thread on that, it might still be going. I think that it really limits your dating options if you stick only to people who have kids (or vice versa if you don't have kids), so I say go ahead and go for it. It's his choice too, after all.
.

>>Am I just letting myself in for another let down again, or am I being to cynical?<<

Of course you're letting yourself in for let downs. That's part of dating. But as a widow, you know as well or better than most that to love and to live life means to risk a little bit. Looking back on it now, would you choose to never know your husband because of the pain and hurt? Or would you choose to know him because the happiness and joy (and children!) outweigh the pain and hurt of when he died?

Well, that's a little bit of how dating is. If we are to experience the good times, we must also risk the crummy ones.

That said... for Pete's sake, we're not talking about big dramatic love-lost types of things. You haven't met the guy in person yet! It's just coffee or lunch or something! :) Lighten up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 11:40am

It can actually be a good thing that he doesn't have kids. He will then be able to focus all his attention on you and your kids. It's more important what his "feelings" are towards kids rather than the fact that he doesn't have any. I met my husband on Yahoo personals and at 43 yrs old, he didn't have any children and I have one. But his two previous long term relationships both had children so I knew that he had at least been "exposed" to them (lol).
It was great to finally date a guy that I didn't have to schedule around weekends w/o the kids etc....

Just enjoy meeting this person and have fun!

hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 12:00pm

Good morning, fairylass! Here is a recent thread dealing with the issue of dating/kids. Lots of great opinions -- but especially from me hah hah.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcyber&msg=8684.1&ctx=128

Happy reading!

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 2:39pm

Thanks for the comments. I think we may make plans to meet this weekend since weekdays are hard for me. What about the name thing? Should I tell him up front that he shares my late husband's name or just let it go?

Tracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 2:50pm
Although it is an uncomfortable situation for you, I say let it go for now. This is only a first meet. That is a lot of pressure to put on you, him and the "relationship" at this point. You don't even know if you are going to like each other or if there will be any spark. Probably 99% of OLD relationships don't make it past the first meet. If things go well and you start to date each other more regularly, you can say something. Right now, I think that would probably just make him uncomfortable and would make things kinda awkward.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 3:35pm

What vex said, and what NWW said:

"It's just coffee. So meet already!"

Browse through the various threads on this board. Many, many cautions not to build up expections about the first couple of meets or dates with someone you've met online. That's experience talking.