nice guy, no chemistry, how to let down

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
nice guy, no chemistry, how to let down
11
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 6:56pm
advice please, anyone
great guy. conversations by phone went well. he suggested meeting the first time for coffee. next conversation said he'd like to offer dinner. met for dinner at a great place. he was nice, we had great conversation, didn't stop talking, date lasted 3-4 hours. but i got no chemistry nor did i feel any type of romantic connection. we ended the date on a positive note. now he calls and wants me to accompany him to a work function. how do i tell him in a nice way that i'm just not feeling the same??? i don't want to go thru the motions or lead him on. advice???

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 7:04pm

I would send an email thanking him for the invitation and saying something like, I enjoyed having dinner with you last week but after giving it some thought, I don't think we are a match romantically, so I'm going to pass.

If you sincerely are interested in being platonic friends with him, then you could say so, but if not, I'd just leave it at that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 10:15pm
Thats a great way to say it Sher. I have SUCH a hard time with this ... I will cut & paste your comment! lol

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Avatar for k3of3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 10:33pm

I've been in your shoes and that's a tough situation, especially when the guy is *nice!*

I actually ended up going out with my No Chemistry Guy a few times thinking the chemistry might develop. Nope. Didn't happen. A few weeks later I just came right out and told him that I thought he was a fabulous guy, and some girl would be incredibly lucky to have him but that I just wasn't the girl for him. I explained that I enjoyed his company, but that our relationship would never progress past the point where we were. He wanted a relationship, so I put the emphasis on *me* not being right for him, rather than the other way around. It just made me feel "nicer" about the whole thing.

If you have had a lot of contact with this guy via phone, I would try to have a phone call rather than email. If you've only met once, then I think an email would suffice. If you are interested in a friendship and enjoy his company enough to want to continue hanging out with him on occasion, I'd suggest telling him that you think he's a great guy, but that you don't see your relationship going any further than where it stands now but that you'd enjoy staying friends. That puts the ball in his court as to whether he wants to continue or not. If you don't want any contact with him whatsoever, then I'd suggest saying something like, "While I really enjoyed your company and had a nice time the other night, I just don't think we're a good match for a romantic relationship."

As for the event? If you're not comfortable going, then just say so. It's hard to be honest sometimes because we don't want to hurt the other's feelings, but it's the respectful thing to do. You're actually doing him a favor, he just may not realize it right away. :)

Good luck with whatever you decide!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 10:37pm

I'd like to plagarize Sheri's comment too!


That is soooooo the hardest part of online dating! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 3:21am

I agree with your answer- it's honest and succinct. Pretty much sums up exactly what message needs to be sent.

Other advice would include to NOT fall into the "well, what is it or what could I change" question/answer game. I see women doing OLD complaining (rightfully so) that guys give them a hard time sometimes, saying "well what is wrong with me?" back to a woman so they can then argue that she's got it all wrong, he's not like that, blah blah blah... well, don't play that game.

It seems to me, from reading here, this is a basic difference in how men and women think. A guy might hear something like "you drink more than I do" and he'll want to argue back that he doesn't really drink that much, that it's HER perception that's wrong, etc.

A woman will hear that and obsess over whether she really is like that, she'll poll her girlfriends and ask them, they'll examine and analyze the situation... seems like men are more wanting/conditioned to be confrontational about it, while women are more internal with their thinking.

It might seem that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. (Apologies to Dave Barry.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 10:30am
Sheri's advice is spot on.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 10:39am

Just to clarify, I suggested email because I personally would be SO uncomfortable getting that kind of phone call from a guy after only 2 dates. I'd be like, WHY did this guy feel he had to CALL me to subject me to this???? It's so much easier to hear that in an email so you can process it on your own, etc without feeling embarrassed at being on the other end of the phone with the guy while you're being rejected. So that's why I wouldn't subject someone else to it.

Like the guy I went out with 2x recently who claimed to be SO interested and even suggested a 3rd date, but then disappeared without a word...I would love to get an email from him at least letting me know he'd changed his mind, but a phone call? Not so much.

Now, of course if it were a situation where they'd gone out a bunch of times, a phone call would be more appropriate.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 12:21pm
I totally agree... Last summer I went out on 3 dates with a guy I met IRL. I thought the dates were great, but I guess he didn't. Since we had met IRL and never communicated in any way aside from the phone or in person, he called me to "deliver the news" that he wasn't interested anymore. It was SO uncomfortable, for both of us. I didn't see it coming at all, and I could tell he felt really bad, it was just sad all around. An email would have been much better for that conversation (in reality, I would have even preferred a text message!). It's so much easier to take things in stride when you're not expected to provide an immediate response!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 2:17pm

FWIW, for both you and Sheri, a LOT of people think that if you're going to say something like that, doing it through email or IM is seen as cowardly. So while it might be an uncomfortable situation, there's a significant number of people who are determined to just grind through it anyway.

While we might all wish we could go through life without ever having to feel uncomfortable, the fact is that from time to time we're going to. That's just how it is. We're better off accepting that and just dealing with it, IMO, than we are to wish that it never happens and hope that it never happens to us.

So I'd say to just try and remember that unless the guy (or gal) is a psychopath without any human empathy, odds are they're feeling just as uncomfortable as we are when they have to say "you know, I'm just not seeing us as a match." :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 3:56pm

Well, I agree with you too. I guess, for me, I think a phone call or in person meeting is required if you've progressed to the point where you have become exclusive with someone; so in my 3 date case, it wasn't really necessary. But, I definitely know that it is/was just as uncomfortable for him as it was for me.

I wasn't trying to complain about what happened to me... that guy could have gone the route of ghosting and I was very glad that he took the step to let me know, even though it wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time. And, going further, I should be thanking him anyway, because my current bf is a much better match for me than he would have been.

So I am actually happy about what happened, although I felt a little bad that it was hard on HIM, because I have had to make that call before, and I know it's not fun. In that case, I would have been just as okay with a text or email.

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