A nice sentiment
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A nice sentiment
| Fri, 08-20-2010 - 3:31pm |
I know this isn't specifically about OLD but, I saw this on Facebook today:
"Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else."
I try to remember that meeting someone really is out of my control. I feel so often that I need to be out scouring the countryside, beating the bushes (AND doing OLD) trying to smoke out a guy, when really, when it happens, it's sort of effortless. It doesn't mean I can sit in my living room waiting for "it" to happen, after all, "chance favors the prepared mind," but I don't have to drive myself insane, trying to show up at every social function in town.
This also goes for not trying to force myself to be attracted to someone.
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I wonder that "not trying to force myself to be attracted to someone" means? Does it mean that when you meet someone and really like his looks/personality/intelligence that you make a conscious effort not to like that about him?
I think the more productive way of viewing such encounters is to understand what exactly aspects of the man that you are attracted to. A lot of people say that chemistry and attraction is too intangible to figure out. I disagree to some extent for I know that certain characteristics of a person I am attracted to.
I find that following the Buddhist approach of non-attachment for the precept of how attachment causes suffering is true. I know I can learn more about myself by shifting my "blind" attraction to one of curiosity.
Mark
Let me clarify the "not forcing myself to be attracted."
In the past when I met someone, I was either attracted or I wasn't. It wasn't rocket science. I could usually tell pretty quickly whether it was a match or not, and so wouldn't date them further.
As I got older, and the pickings became slimmer, I began to think that maybe I just hadn't given some guys a chance and that I'd better get with it (BTW, I'm 56 and divorced). Then came the book "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" and it really rocked my world. Then I REALLY felt like I hadn't broadened my "search" enough. I felt like, even if I was feeling nothing for a guy that I SHOULD go out with him if he asked, and give it two or three dates to make sure I still didn't feel anything. But you know what? That's just forcing yourself. Yes, there are cases where you might not feel anything initially and down the line you will, but I think it's the exception.
Believe me, if I meet someone whose looks/personality/intelligence I really like, I'm not going to hold back. Bring it on.
It actually took me over a year of dating her to be really committed in our relationship. I actually was forcing myself to be attracted in the sense you are talking about. I stuck with it because she had all the other great qualities that I valued. I was lucky for she stuck with me all through this.
I am glad I did for I see us in a permanent relationship now.
"I felt like, even if I was feeling nothing for a guy that I SHOULD go out with him if he asked, and give it two or three dates to make sure I still didn't feel anything."
You know, I really think this is a good policy. At least it has been for me, because I'm pretty shy, and it can take a while for me to warm up to someone if they aren't super outgoing themselves. I can't tell for a while if it's just awkward because he's introverted too, or because there's no connection.
I never really made it my official policy or anything, it's just what I did. If I didn't totally hate the guy, and he asked me out again, I'd go. It got me out of the house at least. If it wasn't working at all after 3 dates, then I cut bait. Most of the time if there was no connection the guy never asked again anyway. I've also had dates where there was instant chemistry and I opened up right away, but after a few more dates there turned out to be zero sexual chemistry. I've learned I really can't tell anything by how it goes on the first date.
I'm so glad that this is how I did things, because the first two dates with my BF were soooo horrrrrribly awkward. Painfully. We didn't even kiss until the end of the third date, and I initiated it, but that was the turning point where I realized "Oh, there's really something here!" We were still very nervous around each other for a while even, but now I cannot imagine anyone being a better fit for me than he is. The funny part is that he doesn't come off as shy or awkward around other people at all.