A nice sentiment

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Registered: 10-16-2006
A nice sentiment
9
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 3:31pm

I know this isn't specifically about OLD but, I saw this on Facebook today:

"Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else."

I try to remember that meeting someone really is out of my control. I feel so often that I need to be out scouring the countryside, beating the bushes (AND doing OLD) trying to smoke out a guy, when really, when it happens, it's sort of effortless. It doesn't mean I can sit in my living room waiting for "it" to happen, after all, "chance favors the prepared mind," but I don't have to drive myself insane, trying to show up at every social function in town.

This also goes for not trying to force myself to be attracted to someone.

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Registered: 07-21-2008
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 10:55pm
I totally get the 'forcing yourself' concept. It's like when you're out with a nice guy who has some good qualities and you ask yourself, "why can't I just be attracted to this guy" and keep looking for things about him that will make your heart skip, and it doesn't happen. I usually give a 2nd chance but generally have the same non-feelings after that date too, even if we have a good time :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 4:44am

"I felt like, even if I was feeling nothing for a guy that I SHOULD go out with him if he asked, and give it two or three dates to make sure I still didn't feel anything."

You know, I really think this is a good policy. At least it has been for me, because I'm pretty shy, and it can take a while for me to warm up to someone if they aren't super outgoing themselves. I can't tell for a while if it's just awkward because he's introverted too, or because there's no connection.

I never really made it my official policy or anything, it's just what I did. If I didn't totally hate the guy, and he asked me out again, I'd go. It got me out of the house at least. If it wasn't working at all after 3 dates, then I cut bait. Most of the time if there was no connection the guy never asked again anyway. I've also had dates where there was instant chemistry and I opened up right away, but after a few more dates there turned out to be zero sexual chemistry. I've learned I really can't tell anything by how it goes on the first date.

I'm so glad that this is how I did things, because the first two dates with my BF were soooo horrrrrribly awkward. Painfully. We didn't even kiss until the end of the third date, and I initiated it, but that was the turning point where I realized "Oh, there's really something here!" We were still very nervous around each other for a while even, but now I cannot imagine anyone being a better fit for me than he is. The funny part is that he doesn't come off as shy or awkward around other people at all.

Avatar for floridagirl52
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Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 6:07am
I can understand it taking a year before you felt committed, but I'm assuming you were physically attracted fairly early on?
Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 3:15pm

It actually took me over a year of dating her to be really committed in our relationship. I actually was forcing myself to be attracted in the sense you are talking about. I stuck with it because she had all the other great qualities that I valued. I was lucky for she stuck with me all through this.

I am glad I did for I see us in a permanent relationship now.

Avatar for floridagirl52
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Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 3:00pm

Let me clarify the "not forcing myself to be attracted."

In the past when I met someone, I was either attracted or I wasn't. It wasn't rocket science. I could usually tell pretty quickly whether it was a match or not, and so wouldn't date them further.

As I got older, and the pickings became slimmer, I began to think that maybe I just hadn't given some guys a chance and that I'd better get with it (BTW, I'm 56 and divorced). Then came the book "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" and it really rocked my world. Then I REALLY felt like I hadn't broadened my "search" enough. I felt like, even if I was feeling nothing for a guy that I SHOULD go out with him if he asked, and give it two or three dates to make sure I still didn't feel anything. But you know what? That's just forcing yourself. Yes, there are cases where you might not feel anything initially and down the line you will, but I think it's the exception.

Believe me, if I meet someone whose looks/personality/intelligence I really like, I'm not going to hold back. Bring it on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 2:17pm
That is a great line...we all need to remember to not try so hard but put yourself out there for anything to happen. I definitely need that reminder from time to time.
Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 1:00pm

I wonder that "not trying to force myself to be attracted to someone" means? Does it mean that when you meet someone and really like his looks/personality/intelligence that you make a conscious effort not to like that about him?

I think the more productive way of viewing such encounters is to understand what exactly aspects of the man that you are attracted to. A lot of people say that chemistry and attraction is too intangible to figure out. I disagree to some extent for I know that certain characteristics of a person I am attracted to.

I find that following the Buddhist approach of non-attachment for the precept of how attachment causes suffering is true. I know I can learn more about myself by shifting my "blind" attraction to one of curiosity.

Mark

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Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 10:53am
That's neat.
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Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 7:30pm
I agree--everyone has stories about how they met someone when "they weren't looking." Well I do think you have to at least get out in the community because people aren't going to ring your doorbell unless you hit it off w/ the repairman, but it's not good to be frantic about it either. I was out w/ my ex SIL a couple of Saturdays ago and she wanted to go to a fortune teller. The woman told me that I would get a BF in the fall, maybe Oct. I was thinking to myself "I wonder if I make no efforts to find anyone what will happen." lol My SIL was kind of annoyed cause the woman told her that she didn't see her getting married again. She's been divorced for about 10 yrs and really hasn't dated at all in that time.