No communication?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
No communication?
21
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 1:57am

Okay, I'm in my mid30's, with two kids in elementary school. I met a guy online, on a message board, and we started chatting. Fast forward 6 months, and it got to the point where we started flirting and admitted we may like each other.

So, we met and things were great. He called several times a week, or I called him, we talked on Facebook, we went out once a week at least, etc. Now he's having trouble with his ex-wife and her custody schedule. They have 50/50 custody, but he's been having his child about 90% of the time. Obviously this has cut into our dating time.

There's a few other things that are bugging me, though. I just don't know if this is normal, or not, as this is only my second post-divorce relationship (in 8 years). I took a break from dating because I had a serious illness (now resolved), and just wanted to give my kids stability. So, I'm new to this online dating stuff as well.

The thing that bugs me is, although I'm understanding with his (hopefully temporary) custody issues and us having to put the breaks on seeing each other as much as we were. However, my issue is that, he just goes off and stops texting/emailing on a whim. He never calls anymore. The only time he called was once in the past month when he had a prank call and thought it was me (long story). We used to text a LOT at first. Now he can go a few days without answering my texts (if he doesn't answer after 2, I stop...I don't want to bug him). He doesn't even email me anymore about his day, or anything. WE used to discuss EVERYTHING via email before we met, just general stuff, things we liked...EVERYTHING. Now, he calls me his "girlfriend", but we've not had the "exclusive" talk. I don't refer to him as my boyfriend at all. Never have. He has told his child about me, though. And has told several family members about me. I'm just so perplexed by his behavior.

Maybe I just need to come out and ask him what the heck his idea of what our "relationship" is. He has said he's not seeing anyone else, but that's it. He's a really nice guy and I really like him, but...I can't stand the not knowing why he just drops off the face of the earth. He even sent me a text and admitted "going dark" on me for a 2 day period and said he was sorry for not answering my texts. He was away for the weekend, but had told me to please keep in contact when he left (we had a date right before he left).

What do you more experienced people think? I don't even know how to ask a guy about this stuff. I feel like such an idiot sometimes not knowing how things work anymore. Yikes. I feel like I'm back in high school again or something. :/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 11:20pm

I recently had an issue where my BF was, I felt, pulling away. However, he did respond to texts and emails, even if it took, to me, forever (meaning a couple of HOURS...not days). He has a lot on his plate, and has 50/50 custody of teenagers. But he found time to see me many times a week, even if it was just for an hour or two.

I did date a guy for 5 months who had custody of his kids and used them as an excuse CONSTANTLY. He only got a babysitter once, the whole time we dated. On the other hand, he never took into account that I had kids, too. And I could make the time to see him, even though I have kids 24/7. You can't coddle this man. If he wants to see you, he will. If he wants to see you even though he is 'going into his cave' or 'rubberbanding' or whatever nonsense we are supposed to believe about "man time", then he's the real deal. If he strings you along with promises of "later", worry about YOU and find someone who WILL move mountains to be with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2010
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 11:44am

I totally agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 3:55pm

Hi Vexer. I appreciate your honesty and I will try to answer your questions.

1) I don't just "ignore him". I just have a policy were if someone doesn't reply to me after two attempts, I pull back a bit. I let them come to me. I don't want to be seen as hounding or whatnot. Does that make sense? There has only been one time I actively ignored his text. The one that said "hey". Otherwise, the ones I've missed have been within the past couple of days, and I was asleep due to being sick. Believe me, I don't want to get into a tit-for-tat on "ignoring" each other. I've been the one to initiate communication 9 times out of 10. After not being answered so many times, either by leaving a voicemail, an email, and/or text, I am not going to keep bothering him. Either he's busy, or something could be wrong, etc.

2) When he asked me what was wrong, it was several days later after I posted about being stressed at work. It had nothing to do with him and our situation. I don't like discussing things like that via text/email, and I can't get him on the phone. He just never answers. So, I wasn't upset at him, I was just having a bad day at work. He was just asking about why.

3) He has now asked me out to dinner next week, so I plan on bringing this communication thing up then. LIke I said, I don't like discussing something like that via email/text, as it leaves too much to be misunderstood.

Absolutely, I'm know he can't read my mind. I'm just wondering why someone can go from hot to cold so quickly. I wanted some opinions, and I've gotten many. I know that doesn't always answer what HIS reason is. I'm hoping to get that straight from his mouth, next week. He may very well not even realize what he's doing. I'm not trying to imply he's horrible for what he's doing. Not at all. And maybe I am contributing to this, and if so, I hope to make my point clear to him next week when we talk. Until then, I'm not bringing it up.

Thank you for you reply. I appreciate it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 2:16pm

OK, this isn't a great situation admittedly, but in my honest opinion, you are contributing in some way to this.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 9:55am

Thanks everyone for the replies and the well wishes for my birthday.

Well, of all nights, I went out to a club meeting last night. I had to turn my cell phone on mute. I am sick or something with a cold, so...I got home and went to bed. He called, and sent a text. How amazing is that? This morning, he sent another text (I was still asleep). I missed all these things cause my phone was still on mute, but I was in bed anyway, with a cold.

Then this morning, he writes me an email. Not to say Happy Birthday, but to say he's worried about me and why I'm not returning his texts. His texts didn't say anything. One was "I tried to call. Nite". This am: "Good morning". And he didn't leave a message on my voicemail.

I just find it freaking sad and hilarious that the ONE day I forget to turn my phone on, he calls. And texts. He NEVER calls me anymore. ever. I think, inadvertently, that his mind started wondering why I wasn't so quick to reply. Though it happened quite by accident. I've always been by the phone before, wanting to hear from him.

Anyway, he still has yet to say anything about my birthday. I'm continuing to go about my life like he's not really in it. He may call me his girlfriend, but he doesn't treat me like one. And he certainly hasn't had "the talk" with me. He's either hot or cold (mostly cold), and I'm just gonna keep on going on with life.

Thanks everyone...and yes, I do have plans for tonight. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2009
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 7:48am

Happy Birthday!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 11:58am

I really appreciate everyone taking time out to reply to this thread. Just that kindness has really helped me.

I'm still ambivalent about this whole situation. He's not really done anything to make any effort to talk. He still hasn't called me back. He has sent an email, asking why I was so stressed out. I had a bad day at work, and I posted about it on facebook. Just that fact alone has me depressed. The guy I date finds out about my day via FB? Not by talking to me personally? It just bugs me.

I know he has time to talk to others, cause he says all the time he talks to his SIL EVERY DAY. For half hour, hour. He jokes that she keeps saying she wants to marry him. Gag. Is he getting off on the attention? And they talk about EVERYTHING. Their have a 15 year age difference, but...in this day in age, that's not such a big deal I don't think. I just find it very distressing that he has time to talk to her about me and about his day, and about everything else...but he won't talk to me like that. It's like he gets his satisfaction in talking intimately with someone through her, and thus then doesn't feel like doing so with me. In the first few weeks, he did. Now it's nothing.

I've not gotten any texts other than "xoxo" and "hey". The "xoxo" was last night. This is so different, I don't know if he's just throwing me a crumb and hoping I will stick around for when he's ready for a long-term thing, or what. That's what it feels like. I really want to talk to him about these things, but...I can't get him on the phone. It's always "I'm SO busy" with work, or whatever. Well, I guess that's my answer. So he hasn't all out ignored me, but...pretty darn close. It's no where near the level of communication he put forth in the first few weeks. Yet, if we're in month 3, and already having these issues...really, what's the use? And he's doing this AFTER he professed he WANTS to make this work, and he WANTS to make the "effort" to make things work, despite our busy schedules. Well, my schedule is no where near like his.

I am going to take in the mirror's advice and just hang low for a while. No calling or trying to pursue him. No emails. Nothing. I'm gonna let him come to me. I've sure put enough of my own effort into the last 2 weeks of this. I can be patient...but, my patience is wearing thin. I can't stand waiting till the day of to make plans, or the day prior. I make plans days in advance. Otherwise I'd never get out of the house! He knows I'm like that, too, cause it was never a problem in the beginning. He would make sure he told me he wanted to get together, and we'd hash out a time/place. Now it's nothing. He should have next week to himself, tomorrow is my birthday, and...nothing. I don't have anything from him saying he wants to get together for dinner or something next week.

Oh well. I've got a couple offers on the table to go out, and I'm jumping on them. I'm not gonna wait around for this guy to make up his mind and actually grace me with one of his two-liner emails. If that's his "effort", then...it's not what I want. I don't consider that effort at all, really. "Hey,baby, what's up? Keeping cool?". Wow...slow down there, cowboy!

I just really appreciate you all giving me your honest opinions. Although it doesn't solve my situation, I think I know what must be done...I just hope he doesn't make me do it via email.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 1:51am

Sounds like the guy I dated for a couple of months last winter. Honestly, whether or not this is normal guy behavior, it wasn't what I was looking for in a relationship at all. Like you said, his words didn't match up with his actions. I've been in enough relationships to know that not all guys are like this, and it wasn't something I was willing to put up with just because everything else was seemingly perfect. I'm now in a relationship with someone I'm very happy with who does have the same communication style as me, and I'm glad I held out for that.

It sounds to me like this isn't working for you, but you're the only one who can decide that. I wouldn't expect it to get any better than it is right now though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 11:58am

I feel your angst and pain. I've been overcoming it myself and still struggling some but have my center of balance back. Dating is a dance at best.


Feel free to e-mail me off boards if you'd like to bounce ideas off of someone who is dealing with the same thing. I tried to e-mail you but you don't have that option turned on.

 


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 11:57am

He sounds like my 21 yr old son.

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