No Holiday sharing
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No Holiday sharing
| Sat, 01-07-2006 - 3:48pm |
I didn't see my post, so hopefully I'm not making a double here, anyway was wondering
if not sharing the holidays with your bf and not hearing from them (except for Christmas and only after complaining) if this is in any scenario neutral news?
I've talked since February with a guy who pursued me from an matchmaking site, we became very close September and met November 2005, I started a huge fight about it and we've broken up, I ended up writing mean things that I'm sorry for but still feel annoyed about the holidays thing.

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I almost thought of not responding because obviously, what's the point? This guy has consistently shown you that he is a jacka$$ through controlling behavior, (i.e. making you come back to his house after you met him and guilitng you into performing oral sex on him; telling you that your "attitude was very unattractive"; telling you that if you acted coy, it would push him away), blew you off for the holidays and many other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting for now.
Are you so desperate for a boyfriend that you will take this dispicable behavior and overlook it? If so, I am very sorry for you. You might want to look into some counseling as to why you have so little self-esteem that you would continue to subject yourself to such a jerk. It sounds like both of you have some issues that a good counselor could help. Good luck, but I don't see any way that this can turn out well.
My man is the boss where he works, overseeing three levels of employees in a financial work related government office, his team performs well and gets dumped extra work from other teams when they are lagging, my bf works six, sometimes seven days a week, did not have vacation time during the holidays, and told me in advance he wanted to relax for Christmas, it was New Year's that I was upset about and I just found out he didn't do anything for that.
I'm not completely ok with the whole thing, but it's my relationship and my concern, I wouldn't feel comfortable telling someone what to do with something so important as a relationship or trying to influence them, at most give them my perspective, even then I'd qualifiy it considering I couldn't know all the details. I have a friend who stayed mum about his relationship before he married his wife because he was wary about naysayers, and his wife says the same thing, she'd get negative feedback on him and they are married now. Words are so easy to say but damage can't be easily undone.
I really appreciate the time and thought people put in their feedback, but I've decided to start going directly to the source and communicate more instead of letting outside feedback negatively influence my relationship, which is extremely important to me. As for counseling, I have issues that I'm working on, who doesn't?
And if my boyfriend never had anything positive to balance out the occassional issues, which so far been resolved, I wouldn't be with him.
Edited 1/13/2006 11:03 pm ET by cynnovel
I totally hear you regarding doing your own thing and trusting yourself... I'll just say one thing. I've seen many a friend who went into a relationship ignoring their friends advice and things didn't go so well. Please don't discount your friends' advice. At the end of the day, you don't have to listen to it but at least take it in. Sometimes they can see things you can't.
Cheers!
That's fine as it is your own life and you have to make your own decisions. But I just have to say that since you have never told us anything positive about him other than he is dedicated to his work, how can we see the whole balance picture that you are telling us makes him worth staying with? All we have been privy to are the negative things that you have told us including how he only called you over the holidays because you complained to him. If there are positive things, I would be happy to hear them since from what I've heard, he doesn't seem to be a nice guy. If you're comfortable, tell us those traits to show him in a better light. I am always open to both sides but you've only given us one. I do wish you luck and hope that you are safe and don't wind up getting hurt because from what you've said, that's the only thing I can see coming from this.
And Kerry is right. Your friend have more perspective on this than we do as they HAVE seen both sides. Often, our friends see things that we may not due to our closeness to the relationship and desire to make it work. To avoid talking about your relationship for fear of naysayers is very dangerous IMO. It's kind of like not going to the doctor if you find a lump. "Ignorance is bliss" kind of thing. Believe me, it's not. Everyone, including me, has said what we have out of concern for your well-being. This seems like a volatile relationship. While it isn't what I'd wish for myself, if you are happy, I hope it turns out as well as it can.
Kerry,
thanks for your input, I agree that trustworthy friends can give objective input to a degree, consider thought that they too don't have intimate access to the couple's dynamics unless they are with them a lot.
Vexer,
I never mentioned having a naysaying friend. What I did mention was that I have a friend couple who are advising me not to lay my relationship with my boyfriend at the mercy of others so much, but instead to communicate more with him directly and I've decided to this as well. My friend couple received negative feedback before they were married.
I think giving one's 2 cents is great, but it shouldn't be pushed on someone aggressively and I appreciate the friendlier last note, but didn't understand the point of saying I need counseling or have self esteem issues, do people really care that much about a stranger's situation, and if so, shouldn't the tone then be more friendly and empathetic? I don't have to prove to others that my relationship is fine, I asked for feedback and got it (the harsh comments were unnecessary though), and have decided to no longer ask for feedback.
Edited 1/14/2006 6:42 pm ET by cynnovel
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