No picture, no details

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
No picture, no details
13
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 10:52am

I've been e-mailing with a new guy from Yahoo Personals for a few days. He sounds okay as far as the main points: he's a little older than my ideal, but he's at least been to college and claims to like to read and enjoy good conversation. (No motorcycles or mentions of NASCAR in his profile.)

But we're on our third round of e-mails and he hasn't given me any personal data--not even what he does for a living. Usually guys tell me what they do for a living (or used to do if they're retired) in the first e-mail. Most guys also give me their last names and where they work and sometimes a phone number by the third e-mail.

This guy also has no picture posted. He claims that he can't figure out how to upload it to Personals, but says he will e-mail it to me when we switch out of communicating in Personals. He seems rather eager to communicate outside of Personals, and this, together with the absence of a picture or any real identifying information (his e-mail address is a yahoo one which does not seem to have a real name attached to it) makes me a little uneasy. It's not that I don't have an e-mail address that is not-identifiable also. I just don't feel this guy is being even as open as I am.

I have given him just a smidgen more information about myself than he has given me about himself. (He knows what part of my township I live in, how many kids I have and what I do for a living, though not where I work. I don't know any of those things about him, though I asked explicitly.) I also have my picture posted. So I feel the situation is unequal. I think it is up to the man to provide more information about himself to reassure the woman that he is who he says he is, not out to take advantage of her, etc.

Should I pursue this or just "next" the guy? I'm thinking he may be married or unemployed or both. Am I being too suspicious?

Elsa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 12:16pm

Elsa, you should trust your gut on this one. Years ago I matched up with a guy who's email address was just a bunch of numbers and his name in his email was John Doe. I wasn't taking him too seriously, was totally burned out by internet dating and was about to take a long break, so I decided "heck, go meet him".

He shows up at the restaurant and he's this little gnome of a guy wearing crepe sole shoes. He starts putting the Rico Suave moves on me before we even sit down to dinner. But he seems kind of hyper-aware of his surroundings, kind of like a rodent sniffing for cheese. He can't sit still in the restaurant until he's looked around and checked out all the people near us.

So half-way through dinner he leans across the table and says "Chick, you're too sweet a woman to lie to. I'm married and I fully intend to stay that way. She lives in city B, I live in city A, and I need a mistress."

Needless to say, there's more idiocity to the story, like him admitting to having found his first mistress 8 days after he was married and how he's had many and his wife has no idea. Poor wife. I was morbidly fascinated with this dork. He was a psychologist no less!!! What a scum ball.

So now I totally trust my gut on these secretive guys. Don't waste any time with them. A good, available man will let you know all about his life. I've had one date with the new guy and I know where he works, lives, all about his family, what they do, what his kids are studying in college, the whole shebang.

Take care!

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 12:54pm
My rule has become if they can't offer a picture on first introduction, I don't even bother talking to them. I mean, on occasion I will ask them if they have a picture. Now I don't even give them my email address to send a picture. I mean, I have four pictures of myself posted. Why can't they offer just one. And if they are wishy washy in providing any type of information, I delete them. Just recently on a site (I posted about it), this guy was accusing me of being a fraud even though I gave him details about myself but when I asked him about him, he made excuses.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 1:01pm

FWIW, it's not possible to attach a photo to the emails you exchange through the Yahoo Personals system (or at least I could never figure it out), so I would give him the benefit of the doubt on that. And I personally don't like exchanging emails in that format so when I was on there, I used to always suggest that we move to personal emails right away.

BUT--if you've asked him direct questions about himself and he hasn't answered, then I'd be uncomfortable with that also so that would be enough to "next" him in my book, even without the photo thing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 1:05pm

Chick,

I just loved your story of the psychologist gnome sniffing around like a mouse and then inviting you to be his mistress. What a hoot! But what an unpleasant thing for you, as well as a waste of time.

I've had a couple of guys e-mail me with confessions that they were married and wanted to meet a nice woman unlike their wives, but this guy (if he is married) isn't being that open. Maybe he is just grotesquely ugly and unemployed. Whatever.

I just wrote back to him that the Yahoo people can help him post his picture if he has trouble, and repeated my questions (very friendly) about his job (what does he do, does he like it) what are his favorite hotspots in town, etc. We'll see if he is more forthcoming, but right now he has a snowball's chance in hell of finding out more about me or getting my non-Personals e-mail address (even though that is non-identifying also).

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 1:10pm

Yeah, I remember the guy who was accusing you of being a fraud when he was the one who was hiding things. I love it how some guys try to make you feel guilty for doing precisely what they themselves are doing.

This guy--who has evaded my question about his occupation and what part of town he lives in--acted hurt when I refused to write to him outside of Personals. I am giving him one more chance then nexting him.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 1:35pm

I don't see why he should have to attach a picture at all. He should post it like everyone else. If he can figure out how to attach it in regular yahoo mail, he can figure out how to upload it to the personals site.

I agree that yahoo personals mail is not ocmfortable for extended exchanges, but I don't move to regular e-mail until I am reasonably sure the guy is for real. And this guy isn't giving signs that he is.

Meanwhile, the guy whose phone number didn't work has resurfaced. He wants to meet and gives me the same number (which didn't work before). I am not sure if this is a trick so I will give him mine. Is it possible that I get the "this number is not in service" error message when one calls a number that doesn't accept "private" messages? (That would explain it, since I have been calling from an unlisted number.)

It's funny, when a guy gives me his full name, his workplace, work e-mail and work phone number, I don't hesitate to tell him stuff about me that might be identifiable, but when a guy doesn't, I am very very paranoid.

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 2:14pm

Yeah, that does seem odd that he can't figure out how to upload the pic to the personals site since it is pretty much the same procedure as attaching it to an email sent from a yahoo account. So I think your answer to him (that he can get customer service to help) was a good one.

As for the guy with the non-working phone number, did you ask him about that? Is it possible you misdialed, or did you try it more than once? I doubt that the unlisted number thing is the issue--wouldn't it say that the number doesn't accept unidentified callers or something like that? What reason did he give for being out of touch for so long?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 3:46pm

Re: The guy with the phone number that didn't work:

I dialed it several times and each time got a "not in service" message. I was dialing from a cellular phone and using the "privacy" option because the number is a cell phone number (that is, not connected to any address) and I wasn't comfortable being "traced" until/unless I'd met the guy. This guy is retired, so all I have is his name and this cell phone number. I e-mailed saying, "look, I tried to phone you but this number that you gave me didn't work, so I guess we're not getting together." Or something like that. My impulse was to just ghost on him, but I can never do that.

So he wrote back about three days later saying he didn't know why I couldn't get through, that the phone number was right and worked fine. I ignored his message. I'm just not that interested in this guy, who is almost 10 years older than me and retired. The "this phone is no longer in service" made me think maybe he was not paying his bills or something. He hasn't had anything much to say on e-mail except "Hi" and "isn't the weather something." Just before Xmas he sent me an e-mail wishing me happy holidays and saying he hoped to hear from me soon. I ignored it again. Today I got this Happy New Year message, reminding me of his phone number (the same one as before) and saying he hoped we could start the New Year with meeting.

I'm still not that interested in the guy, but I must give him points for persistence. And there aren't a lot of other guys. So maybe I'll try calling him again tomorrow. Who knows, he might be a better conversationist than e-mailer. (If I can ever get through on the phone.)

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 7:37pm

I just don't get these guys that won't post a pic. Give me a break, they can't figure out how to upload their pic on a personals site but can figure out how to attach it to an email???? Sure, whatever!

I recently nexted a guy that contacted me and I asked for a recent photo. He replied that he "thinks the photo posted is when he was 19" and he is now 54! I responded he needed to have a friend take some photos and get them posted or buy a digital camera. His reply was he had a digital camera and was "sorry he didn't meet my expectations". He was probably married, who knows....OLD is really like gambling....odds are slim you will get a winning hand and you can count on lots of duds, for sure!

Since he won't provide any personal details or a photo, I'd definitely NEXT him! There are always more fish in the sea and we don't need to settle for these losers!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:05pm

I'm actually not finding the sea so full of fish, but I'd rather be alone than have to deal with some of these guys.

The "no picture" guy may just be afraid that I won't like what he looks like. I think some guys are really pathetic that way. It's funny because they wouldn't take a second look at a woman's profile that didn't have good pictures. But they feel we should just learn to love them sight unseen.

Anyway, the guy has actually answered some questions and he says he is going to try again to upload his picture. If he succeeds, maybe I'll agree to meet him, even though I don't have a last name or a phone number.

The no-telephone guy has asked me to try again tomorrow, and I will. But I must say that none of these guys excite me. I hope they are better in person than I think.

Elsa

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