no sleeping over with guys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
no sleeping over with guys?
47
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 7:29pm

now ive never faced this in my entire life with guys ive either had a hook-up with or dated casually... but the last two guys have been totally anti-sleepover?! whats up wtih that?

guy i just met last night from match (who is great, i like him thus far) didnt sleep over last night just like B, bach #1. at least this guy was honest about it and upfront. He just cant sleep when its someone hes not close with. So ok that is fine. But ive never faced that in my entire dating life? How strange is it? do you all face it?

also, i'd like to add we didnt do anything last night and he was respectful of me by not even trying! but its just strange how these guys have such a hard time sleeping over????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 1:41pm

Thank you eric. My point is that there is a very wide happy medium between being too careful and being too trusting. Inviting guys you met on the Internet and have spent 3 hours with is too trusting. Sitting in your home never getting out and meeting people is too careful. Somewhere in the middle is getting to know someone by meeting with them a few times and spending quality time with them before inviting them to sleep over.

And NGOL, no, I do not care to share the specifics of what happened to me on a public message board but I was trying to make the point that things do happen when you are young, naive and trusting. This is something I think all can benefit from by explaining my experience even in general terms and I shouldn't be relegated to emailing SG specifically. CGUN has done it before and it seems like several other young women out here have done it. Sure, nothing really horrible has happened to them, but it only takes once. I would like to share my experience (however general I wish to keep it - and I am sorry, if you can't understand the generalization, you are not reading closely enough) so that other young women can keep themselves safe by not making silly mistakes like trusting someone you just met and don't know. The point is you DON'T know anything about it - generally or specifically. And when you have not and cannot experience something like it, I think it is at best an ignorant choice for you to give advice on something like this. eric put it very nicely when he said it is not a fair comparison. Yes, we have to travel in cars and planes, we have to live our lives in a normal fashion. We do not have to invite people we just met into our homes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 1:51pm

pt is vexer you are being quite vicious about me not agreeing with your advice. I think its great you are speaking from experience and offering some of your POV. but to really personally attack me about this? how i felt when i read your posts.

also, why am i doing the same thing if its not working? this is ME, and i believe its working. I havent met the right guy. That truly felt like a cutdown to me, because I am not entirely "traditional" in the sleeping over ordeal. Well trust me the guy I want in my life isn't going to judge me because I let him sleep over or because I slept with him before a 3rd date or even a committment. I have had chances to be in relationship with many men the last year, I am not inot them though. I think that if I really wanted one, I could easily be in. But why I'm still single is much like you ro anyone else, you havent me the right one. I want a godo relationship and something I"ll be in happy in. Thus why its taking so long!

Ir eally dont view sex as this entirely intimate act. its part of life. I believe it can be shared w/ someone special and its different than just doing the hormonal sex thing. But I CAN and DO separate those two.

I am traditional in some ways but this stuff, no.

And safety - you should use caution, definetly. but my biggest pt in this whole thread is it CAN happen 3 or 4 dates down the line - i dont believe a first date has any difference in it. CGUN made a huge pt and pretty much said how i really view that. You just never know. you really don't.

I'm sorry I can't agree w/ you here because of my views that im very secure with and behind. i rarely do things that aren't because i want to or feel comfy with. It has been several judgemental posts from you to me, and I really dont appreciate it. But can respect the fact you writing this to help prevent something that happend to you. other than that your posts were extremely judgemental and personally attacking my decisions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 2:01pm

I apologize if you feel personally attacked. That was never my intention thus why I use the terms "naive and trusting". Those are not bad things in my mind. And I know I used the word "dumb" once and I apologize, but in my opionion, it is not a smart decision. And I was not calling you dumb but the decision dumb. I just don't want to see the trust broken. I agree that CGUN has excellent points. But my point is why invite trouble? I am not the only one out here with this view that inviting someone that you do not know to your home is just not a good idea. Sure it can happen down the line (3 or 4 dates or 3 or 4 years) but it can happen right away too.

But I can see that I am talking to a brick wall (again, I do not mean this as a personal attack - my advice is not going to make an impact no matter how much I try to impress upon you and that makes me more sad than angry). I just hoped that by sharing my experience when I was a lot more open and cavalier about sex and so forth would make you understand that your instinct can be wrong. Sorry for wasting your time.




Edited 1/30/2005 2:19 pm ET ET by vexer_hw

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 2:59pm

I just wanted to post and make it clear that I never intended to sound like I was trying to tell someone how to live their life. I would never do that, SG. I know you're a smart girl and I'm sure you're capable of taking care of yourself. It was never an issue of casual sex to me, as I see no problem with that if the guy/girl is comforatable with it. It was just the safety aspect that I was pointing out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 3:16pm

As was I eric and I hope you don't feel like I was dragging you along with me into the people that SG thinks are attacking her. Each person has to live their life the way they want. Casual sex was never my issue either - to each his own on that. I never put it as an issue of comfort of sleeping with someone or with having a one night stand. Mine was always about safety and knowing a little about someone first before you invite them to your home. It's the "It won't happen to me because I can trust my instincts" that can get you into trouble. I thought I could trust my instincts too. I am sure most women that have been date raped thought they could trust their instincts. At least if you have know someone a few weeks or been out a few times, you probably know where they live and work, you might know their friends or family. Someone you meet for the first time from online, you might know their cell phone number and maybe their last name.

I know that anything I say is not going to change your mind, SG. I just hope it doesn't take something bad happening to you or someone close to you to change your mind (like it did me). That is definitely your choice. I just pray that nothing does happen to you and I beg you to please be careful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 4:14pm

its not a waste vexer! but yes i felt personally attacked. I did/do appreciate the openness you posted with. and your advice. I expect that when posting on a public board. but what i dotn expect is feeling like ive gotta defend myself. thas how i felt. Duely noted and I really do value your opinion, so its not a waste.

I am a brick wall - i dont take that personally :) I am super stubborn. But its just how I am. I will never change in that respect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 5:17pm
Glad you are not REALLY mad. Because I really didn't mean to make you feel personally attacked. Just be careful, OK? It's a sucky way to learn a lesson like that. I don't want you to be one of the ones that finds out too late. Stubborness can be a great thing but also a really bad thing too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 5:34pm

I'm sick today with a fever and REALLY not feeling well at all so I haven't been on the board all day. I was given a

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 9:11am

Surfer-

Putting all issues of safety aside....the reason he didn't stay..

JNITY!

Jodie

 

http://tickers.ticke

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 10:54am
I hope you feel better, jh.

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