not many planners out there

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
not many planners out there
8
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 11:14am

I've been talking to a few guys online on IM and we have pretty nice conversations. two of them however, anytime we get online just say, let's meet up now or let's meet up tonight. Last night at 9pm 2 of them said this! One of them I KNOW is not looking to just hook up...he seems like a nice guy and to be honest, i just like him as a friend. The other guy...of course i'd be interested in as a boyfriend, but he seems to be the one that would be looking to just hook up

HOw can i say nicely that I'd like to be asked out on a proper date or at least make plans in advance? I have had this issue with guys before offline and they just dont seem to care...they wont change. I have had people tell me, outright, i'm not a planner. To me the non planners always seem to be the ones I am interested in...why?? I feel like the ones that do plan things in advance are guys I could, well care less if they are making plans with me...this is becoming very frustrating...seems like the guys i'm into, are not that into me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 11:28am

Excuse me, but you know nothing of either of these two gentlemen until you meet and start interacting w/them in the real world. You can always ask and the way you worded it sounds fine, but realize ALL men will not do what you require and during your required timeframe. You have to get over this "if he does this" than it means he is interested. Some guys are just nonplanners and others are -- doesn't define them as just seeking a hook-up and/or are truly interested in building something.

With online dating there all types of men; some who are not really serious until they have met you and have decided okay, maybe possibly I would like to get to know her better; and others who prefer spending days/months over email before meeting. As women sometimes we think there are these methods or certain steps that need to be taken and it doesn't always work out that way. I met a guy last week who was driving back from Texas through my area and I said "what the heck" and met him. We had a blast and have been talking but I'm still getting to know him -- not sure of what he is seeking at this point nor care. I'm just checking him out and I'm glad I've met him. He lives in another state and his off days are during the week. He did call me this week and wanted to get together but I had a pretty hectic work schedule, but he is planning on coming to town next week.

You are in control of you and only you. If you don't want to hook up with someone you will not so it doesn't matter if he is only interested in hooking up.

Come out the box! Obviously if you are online at 9pm, get out the house and meet the guy. What's the big deal? Have some fun, meet a new person and stop trying to predict the future. Heck, you may not like him and the sooner you know the better. Next time either guys states, let's meet tonight and you are available, go for it!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 11:43am

I usually say something like, "oh, sorry, tonight doesn't work for me...I really prefer to plan ahead a bit. Is there another night this week that works for you? Or maybe we could meet for coffee this weekend". Then let the guy take it from there.

As far as the non-planner thing, maybe you are attracted to their sense of adventure and spontaniety? That's fine, but then you have to also accept that they aren't going to be planners and be ok with that. I personally am not really ok with that--that's one of the issues I'm having with one of the guys I'm seeing now (the one I've been out 7 times with). The non-planning thing is bugging me, especially since I went out last night with a guy who planned the date in advance AND came up with the plan of what to do. I do like a man with a plan!

A really good book for helping you figure out why you're attracted to the men you're attracted to is "Keeping the Love You Find" by Harville Hendrix. It's his relationship book geared towards singles (as opposed to "Getting the Love You Want" that is geared towards couples).

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 11:49am

That may work for you and that's cool, but not everyone is comfortable with going out for a first meet at 10 PM on a school night (because by the time you get out of your comfy clothes and get ready and drive to meet them, it's going to be at least that late). I've done some spontaneous meets, but only if it's at a reasonable time.

I think that's what it's all about, finding a fit that's right for YOU. If spontaneous and last minute is ok for you, that's great but it doesn't mean it's right for everyone.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 2:13pm
lol, plus one guy wanted me to go over to his house!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 2:19pm

Those spontaneous non planners are the ones I used to be more interested in until I realized they apparently have been getting too lucky with last minute hook ups. These are the guys who usually aren't that interested in having a proper relationship. I know what ya mean, it is disappointing when the guy you like just isn't that into you!

I think the best thing to do is not accept dates on the night-of. If you say that you already have plans (or in the case of after 9pm on a work night, tell them you're in for the night), they'll get the picture that you plan ahead. After you tell them you already have plans, you could ask, "...But how does tuesday night sound to you?" or whichever night is good for you.

Dev

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 2:27pm

'These are the guys who usually aren't that interested in having a proper relationship'

I agree...i dont want to go there...especially at my age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 2:44pm
...tstephnic might have point. Maybe some of the last minute guys are genuine, but for myself anyway, it's hard to get it all together and go out on a weeknight at 9...I'd have to get ready and most likely travel a good 20 mins to meet someone (the metroplex is huge)...I'm not going to be out till midnight on a first date on a school night, errr, work night with someone I'm not too hot about or someone who seems somewhat too spontaneous for a real relationship. I'd probably agree to a last minute date with someone I have at least met one other time under the right circumstances.
tstephnic, you have a point, but there are a lot of different kinds of men out there. It's probably best to evaluate each case ("case"...lol...yikes, maybe I'm just not having enough fun!) individually, but overall I would tend to agree with corbeach
Dev
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 2:51pm

i guess it depends...one of these guys i had JUST started iming with and he was like, let's meet out tonight...then he did the same thing last night...i didnt feel comfortable

Now the other guy that i think of as a 'friend'i am going out with toinght...i actually just imed him and said, do you want to grab a drink after work? He had already asked me out a few times...i am nervous because i'm not thinking of this as a date, but i think he is. In our conversations we've talked about dating, how annoying it is and i guess i felt i complained enought to the point where he knew i wasnt interested in like that? but now he seems to be trying to make this 'meeting' nice by making a reservation somewhere nice, telling me he wants me to have fun. I feel like saying, let's just keep it casual...we've never met! And i feel that i am not interested in him as more than a friend...he's 3 years younger than me..he's not even working right now but he seems very smart based upon the phd prgram he just dropped out of...his parents bought him his own place...but still...he is not someone i could see myself dating.