Not sure about this guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Not sure about this guy
10
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:49pm

I've been seeing this guy I met on match.com for almost a month now. He seems like a decent guy and I am attracted to him physically. He has a good job as a cop and does volunteer firefighting on the side which I admire. He also wants a lot of the same things as me for the future which is a huge plus after my last relationship where we broke up because my ex didn't want kids and I did. This guys says he definitely wants kids and he has a lot of the same valus and interests that I do.

Here's the problem. Sometimes he says inappropriate things. Ok, actually a lot of the time. It's never in front of anyone else but me, but it does bother me a bit. Basically he makes sexual comments or sexual inuendos a lot. I'm not the type of person that gets offended easilly so it does take a lot to get me that way. Most of the time I'm able to brush it off, but he makes these kinds of comments so often that I feel like sometimes we can't even have a normal conversation without him turning it into a conversation around sex. I understand lots of guys think like this, but I just haven't really dated anyone who vocalized those thoughts as much as this guy. We have slept together, which part of me wishes we had waited longer as I'm still not sure what to think of this guy so I think that may be part of the problem. I'm not sure if he says those kinds of things because he thinks he is being funny, turning me on or what. I haven't talked to him about this yet because I was kinda hoping things would calm down after we got to know eachother a bit since we did just start dating but now I just don't know.

Really that is the only thing about him that bothers me about him. When we do have normal conversations, he can be really sweet and fun to talk with. And I always have a good time when I'm with him. Thats why I can't figure this out. I do really like him except for this one thing so I'm just not sure what to do.

I've been questioning how I really feel about him because of this, so I'm going on a date with someone new tonight just to see how I feel. The cop and I haven't talked about our exclusivity yet. But, he has told me he isn't dating anyone else. Part of me feels guilty for going out with someone new, but the other part of me feels like I should (without getting physical, of course).

What do all of you think? Does this guy sound like bad news? I just don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 2:05pm
I have found with more socially immature guys sometimes when I first start dating, he tries to overcompensate and comes across as obnoxious. Give it more time, if you really
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 2:40pm

Hmm. I don't think that would bother me, honestly...I would kind of like it, I think, if I was into the guy (and if we'd already been physical as in your situation), and so long as they were said in private (as it sounds like they are in your situation). But everyone's different, obviously, so it's something you need to decide for yourself. If it's too much, maybe you could just change the subject when it comes up and you're not in the mood for it? Or if he says something when you're in the middle of a conversation about something else, just kind of make some non-committal noise and pick up the conversation where you left off?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 3:06pm
I think sometimes it's nice when a guy lets you know he's attracted to you and makes sexual innuendos but I do think that a man can definately go overboard with this as well. I would probably feel the same way as the OP about this situation. IT's ok once in awhile to make comments and it can be fun when you are attracted to someone, but definately can turn someone off after awhile if it gets to be too much a focus of conversation.
I say that it doesn't hurt for the OP to go on a date with this other guy just to make sure since the 2 of them haven't had the exclusivity talk yet, but also to give it a little more time to see if he calms down as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 4:48pm

yeah, I have tried just changing subject or ignoring it but he just does it so often that sometimes it just gets really old you know. A lot of the time it doesn't bother me when is said in the right context. Where I take issue is when I'm trying to talk to him about something important to me or am being serious and he turns it sexual.

For instance, my sister's wedding was New Years eve. Last night he came over and I showed him the pictures I took at the wedding and for a few of the pictures he made some kind of sexual inudendo or comment. Like one of my sister and her new husband dancing he said "oh you know what he's thinking, I bet he wanted to tap that" And he also said stuff like "she's thinking... are those keys in your pocket or are you just happy to see me" It just rubbed me the wrong way, you know? Thats my sister! I don't want to think about her doing stuff like that in the first place even though I know she does and secondly it bothered me he had to make comments like that when I was sharing something special with him.

He wasn't only saying things like that about her he did say stuff like that for other pics, but still. I did say something like "geez, your kinda a perv" jokingly and he said no, I'm not and he laughed and the comments stopped for the time being.

He did admit later he was feeling rather "horney" so I guess maybe thats why he was doing that. But its little things like that I find inappropriate. Its not so much the comments it's more the times he chooses to say them. And I don't really like when he throws my sister or parents into those comments.

That said, I do get turned on when he says stuff in the right kind of situation or if he is refering only to me. Seems like if I call him on it he does quit so maybe I just need to do that more often.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 4:54pm

Yeah I agree that he can go overboard, see my previous post in this message with an example.

I plan to go on the date tonight with the other guy just to see how things go. But, honestly, I can't deny that I do have feelings for the cop/firefighter and if he were to ask me to be exclusive I think that I would. I think its just way to early in our relationship to know for sure if this is going to be a real issue. Maybe because it's so new and sexual tension exists a lot of the time when we are together thats why its so prevalent right now. So, I think you are right and I just need to give it more time and maybe just call him on it when he is comming on too strong with the comments and hopefully he'll chill out a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 5:43pm
I can see why those comments would bug you in that context. Maybe continuing to call him on it is the key, and maybe if things don't slow down with the comments to your liking, you could have a talk with him about how it really bothers you. Depending on how he reacts to the talk, then you will have more information about how willing he is to work on things or how he handles communication stuff. Good luck with this. I can see why you would be hesistant to go on another date if you do have hopes for this one because sometimes it's just hard to focus on more than one person if you like someone and want to see where it goes.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 7:11pm

Oh, ick, I agree--I thought the comments were about YOU, not other people!

Yes, it sounds like continuing to call him on it is a good idea.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 7:30pm
How about having a straight-forward, honest conversation with him about it? Since communication is key in a relationship, this may be a good starting point...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 8:06pm
yeah, I probably will say something next time he does it. Hopefully he won't but history says he will. I'm just not sure exactly how to say it gently though. I suppose I will figure that out though :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 8:12pm
Just be straight... maybe something like "I love when you talk like this at X times, but when we're having a serious convo, those comments make me uncomfortable..." and give him the example of your sister's wedding photos. Good?