Not sure what to do about my bf

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Not sure what to do about my bf
10
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 5:27pm

OK, before I start, I would like to apologize if this ends up sounding a lot like the discussion entitled "Need help analyzing bf's behavior". I didn't want to intrude on that board even though it sounds like we're both in the same boat.

I'm having difficulty coping with my relationship of 3 months with "D". I met him on eHarmony back in April. I thought he sounded like the perfect match and, luckily for me, he was the one who initiated the communication. After we got to open comm, we decided to move it to personal e-mail. We spent the better part of 2 months, passing e-mails back and forth before he asked if I would be comfortable talking on the phone (I had mentioned that I'm quite shy at first). He gave me his cell number and said that I could take as long as I needed to call and that he was really looking forward to talking to me.

Finally, at the beginning of July, I took that step. For a few weeks after that, he'd call me once or twice a week and the conversations sometimes went as long as 5 hours. I'd never had convos like this before! We talked about everything; from what we want in a partner to children to past relationships and so forth. It got to the point where we were talking every night (unless he told me in advance he wouldn't be able to talk). This was perfectly fine because I didn't want him to get too sick of me (even though he assured me time and again that he wouldn't).

Halfway into August, he asked me point blank if I would like to meet him. I was so excited and said yes. We set up a date for Labor Day weekend. He made the four hour drive that Saturday and we spent the day together. We went to the planetarium, saw a movie, went out to dinner and then just hung around in his hotel room, watching TV. I was perfectly comfortable with this. About four hours later, he asked "May I kiss you?" to which I replied yes. It went further from there but I'm sure you can all use your imagination. I'm not proud of the fact that I slept with him on the first meeting but I also don't have a lighthearted view of sex. I wouldn't have done anything with him if I didn't really want to. (I'm also sorry I'm explaining this the way I am ... just trying to give you a picture of what I see in him)

Anyway, the month following was another series of phone calls, much more open and caring. He asked if I would want to spend a week with him in his hometown. I really wanted to so, again, I agreed. It was during this week in October that he said "I've fallen in love with you" to which I replied "I love you, too". I also told him that, to me, he was the perfect guy. (I know ... it was a stupid thing to say)

We made yet another weekend date because he had bought concert tickets for my favorite band as a late birthday present. Again, a fantastic weekend and he continues to pay for everything with no complaint.

Right before this, I had mentioned that I was having a hard time finding work around where I was living and, since he lives in a big city, I was thinking about moving up there. He seemed to like the idea and even started telling me the areas I should or shouldn't live in. I made the move up there in the middle of last month. The first week I was there was fantastic. We spent time together every day. Then, Monday of the following week, he didn't call. I thought "OK, maybe he's just catching up with stuff". I didn't talk to him until Wednesday and even then it was brief (though I told him I had to visit relatives in Texas for a few weeks). I left him a voicemail on Thursday night, hoping to hear back from him as he's really good about calling back. He didn't call back until Friday afternoon and said he'd not been feeling well the previous night and ended up passing out. We made a date for the evening and everything, again, seemed fine. We talked, laughed and ate. This was December 2nd.

Since then, I haven't talked to him for more than 30 minutes TOTAL. He had told me he'd be really busy since he is a teacher and this is a particularly busy time of year for teachers. I accepted that. We talked for about 15 minutes on Monday and he said he'd call me yesterday but he hasn't.

As you can see from the earlier months, he wasn't like this. I don't know what's going on and I have one male friend telling me to talk to him (to which I should reply "How can I if he doesn't even call?" to a female friend telling me to let it all go.

Does anyone here have some advice? I know I seem paranoid and anxious but this is only my second relationship (I'm 31) and I'm really confused here. I know I love him because if I didn't, it wouldn't be tearing me up this badly. Thank you in advance.

Confused Cat

(also, I apologize for how wordy I can be!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 7:33pm

I think he is pulling away but doesn't want to be a man and tell you.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 8:05pm

I agree with Jennie, but would just caution you that even if you DO have an opportunity to ask him, he may not be truthful with you. A lot of guys (well, a lot of *people*) don't have the courage to be upfront with you because they think you'll get upset with them. So they are nice to you on the phone and string you along...but then never follow through. So most likely, it will be up to YOU to decide, "you know what, this isn't working for me", and move on.

I'm sorry for what you're going through...that has to be tough. But unfortunately this isn't uncommon. There are ways to minimize the risks of this happening again...let us know if you're interested in hearing them once you're ready to start dating again.

Sheri

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 11:03pm

To offer an alternate view, keep the big picture in mind. This has been going on for several months, in those many months you've only met a few times, and now during the busiest time of year you're having less contact in the past 2 weeks. Try not to worry too much (what will be, will be, and the worrying may cause the thing to end)... if you love this guy so much, give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment until you have a chance to discuss things. Also when you do get that chance, please try to keep it positive and not give him a big emotional freakout... the old 'how can you do this to me, I didn't move closer to you to be alone' etc could very well drive him away. Men respond better to facts and simple questions, no guilt or accusations.

I'm no expert LOL... surely you'll hear some more, take whatever helps you stay sane!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 12:18pm

I'm not sure what to make of his behavior. It's good people have offered different viewpoints. I just want to say that even if he is pulling away from you, it's not your fault. My take on what you wrote was that he just likes a fantasy, i.e., it's really easy to make someone into what we want them to be when we don't see them everyday. That's not to say you're not what he wants, but some people just want to project themselves, someone else, etc. onto someone and they don't want reality interfering with it. Hence, therapists get paid a lot.

Talking on the phone doesn't count for really getting to know someone because only a small percentage of communication is conveyed via tone and words. I think 80% of it is non-verbal. My other impression is that this guy, if he is wigging on you, probably doesn't want to be held accountable and/or be committed. While you two were just talking on the phone, he could do pretty much whatever he wanted to the rest of the time. That's changed now with your living right there. I've experienced this, too. I moved and decided my bf wasn't the faithful type, among other things. Everything just gets so much more real when one is face to face with someone. The trouble with cyber and phone is that people can lie through their teeth and it's really hard to discern without body language, eye contact, etc. It's even tough face to face. That's why I look for actions and words, one without the other is dead. Best of luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 12:58pm
I think hes met someone closeby but is keeping u on the backburner in case it doesn't work out
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 2:56pm
That's why you should have kept up the slow place once you met in person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 2:42am

Hello again. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied and offered advice. Even though he called the same night I made this topic, I've decided to let the whole thing go for now ... and see what happens.

Again, thank you much! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 1:23am
Just ask him. Guys won't say unless you make them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 4:28pm
Celithrania . . . since we are in similar situations, was wondering what the lastest status is on your date/bf? Tried to pm you but you don't have this option.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 5:06pm

Based upon your post, I don't see where you guys have decided to date each other exclusively. Okay, I know you both shared the "love" feelings, but was there ever a discussion of dating exclusively or was it just understood?? Also, you moved, etc. and so having 5 hours conversations may not be possible during this time. He seemingly has been upfront about what's going on and I don't see where there are serious laps of time between returned phone calls. In the initial stages of dating, yes there is excitement, long conversations, etc. but life still goes on! All this to say, is that I don't see where this guy is pulling away. Prior to not being in his town might have been the reason for more frequent contact, but I would just relax, enjoy the new area, make new friends and enjoy dating this guy! Whatever the truth is, time will tell. I personally think it's too soon to assume he is pulling away although like other posters have mentioned, he probably wouldn't be totally upfront if that is what he is doing!

Good Luck!!!