Not very happy with OLD right now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2009
Not very happy with OLD right now...
9
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 1:15pm

I was a Match member 3 years ago, which is where I met my last boyfriend and we dated for a little over 2 years (broke up last October). I really LOVED Match and said I would join again if I was single again in the future. I did rejoin last December, and I think I just really wasn't ready to start dating again quite yet. So I rejoined again over a month ago and I'm really disappointed this time. I'm only being contacted by non-attractive men or men that are 10+ years old than I am! So about 2 or 3 weeks ago I decided to send a bunch of "winks". Probably about 10 of them. Not only did most of them not respond, but 2 or 3 of them replied with "no thanks"!!! I'm not used to this at all... I'm very much insulted and I definitely learned that I do not handle rejection well at all! And... I did have 2 dates with 2 different men a few weeks ago (I think before I sent out the winks) and while I wasn't interested, they weren't interested either. Wow... rejection sucks! I always had a rule for myself, and that is that I never contact a man first. I don't want to appear to be desperate or anything. But then someone from this board told me that I should... well I'm going BACK to my rule...


I'm 36 and I'm always told how attractive (or hot!!!) I am. I have a nice body, long hair, no wrinkles, no gray hair... I was told a couple of weeks ago that I look like I'm in my early 20s, and I was carded! lol. You probably can't tell from this message because all I'm doing is complaining, but I am a very optimistic person. I am always happy, I can get along with just about anyone, and I have a great personality.


I've just canceled my membership today and it ends on August 7th. I'm very much thinking of joining eHarmony (which I will post about in separate thread).


How do you handle rejection??? I don't think that I've ever been so insulted in my life! It really hurts my feelings and what a blow to my ego! lol

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 4:36pm

Well, I've said for a long time that you must have a thick skin to do OLD.

I'm currently on sabbatical from OLD (match and POF). I've never been on eHarm (well, a one month free thing but all they ever sent me were MUCH MUCH older men).

I was doing well with it until I had a rather confusing and very stressful "relationship" earlier this year. I kept plugging away for a while after that but then realized I was just burned out and not really ready to date again yet.

I think you have to take the long view, be prepared to be in it for quite possibly a long time. Some people have beginner's luck--not me (I've been on again 1.5 years). And don't take the "rejections" personally...those guys don't even know you. You can be perfectly wonderful and attractive, but maybe you just aren't their cup of tea--and vice versa. I know, it's discouraging.

FWIW, I'm a "no contact first" gal myself. However, I have been considering contacting some men first when I go back online, but I've got to be honest: I just don't see many that are interesting. And the weird thing is, of all the men who I met (they all contacted me first) I had NEVER seen their profile before. The other thing is that I don't live in a huge metro area (big, but not as big as Atlanta or Chicago), so I don't feel like there's enough selection where I am to begin with.

So as to how to handle rejection...well, you could go back to letting the men contact you first. You could grow about 6 more inches of skin. And, you could take the "salesman" approach: every "no" brings you that much closer to "yes." And these experiences you've had lately...maybe those are just flukes, and when you go back on, it will be better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 5:06pm

You do have to have thick skin to work through the OLD process.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 1:14pm

I'm with you on the disappointment factor! I'm a guy and I am on Match now. I was on over a year ago and found someone relatively quickly to date exclusively and that lasted around 8 months. So I'm back again. The skin gets thicker a millimeter at a time I think. It still bugs when women ghost on me, which happened with a couple women a few weeks ago. Weird thing is they both contacted me first and after a few emails each they just disappeared. I can see they are still visiting the site. It leaves me wondering what did I say that turned them off. But I know it may not have had anything to do with what I said, they may have gotten sidetracked by another guy or guys. I still can't shake the feeling that I turned them off with my last email though. Then I thought maybe they were waiting for me to ask them to meet and when I sent them another small-talk email, they said oh man this guy is never going to ask me to meet so on to the next more decisive guy! I think it sucks there are these guys I read about on here that just want a booty call, it just ruins it for the sincere guys.

It's weird but maybe we are suffering from too much choice. There is always someone prettier and hotter, etc. Things were simpler in the old days. Less selection, probably less expectations about the relationship. However I don't think anyone wants to go back to that.

This is probably highly unlikely but I also did yahoo for a while last time and I talked to one woman on the phone. I don't remember the details but I had sent her an email that she said she never received. This was through the yahoo personals system, not regular email. I thought wow I could be sitting there thinking she ghosted on me, and she is sitting thinking he ghosted on me because my email got lost. Has anyone ever experienced such a thing? So far I have been using the internal Match email system with my latest contacts but it makes me wonder sometimes, like with the two women who ghosted, if somehow these messages get lost. Regular email would be better as I would get notification if the message bounced back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 7:25am

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I never knew what happened when you click "yes" on one of the Daily Five people. Thanks for clarifying. Although that makes me feel worse, since during my most recent stint on match, I clicked yes on several and none of them responded.

I am on hiatus from OLD right now - it just got too depressing and summer is a slow time anyway. I'll probably go back in the fall, on one of the free sites, because I'm not meeting anyone any other way.

Re EHarmony, while I personally don't recommend it, I have a friend who met her fiance there. She's in her early 30s, which as hjntiy says, is the sweet spot for OLD. I, unfortunately, am way beyond that, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 11:18am

Hey Tewey2008 - What happened to the confusing guy you were seeing? I'm happy to see that you are going out on lots of dates!

I had a great first date (from Match) last night, he called me this morning and we're going out again tomorrow. He even sent ME a 'thank you' text last night after the date (maybe it's because I said on our date that I am NOT looking to get married? takes the pressure off???). My crazy ex-man has been starting his patented hovering again (one month apart...he starts up again...)but that is because his personal life took a HUGE turn for the worse and I think he figures I'll come back around again to soothe his ego.

I was also considering taking a break from OLD for the summer. I'm just finding that the "grass is always greener" mentality to be more than I can handle. I mean I understand not putting all your eggs in one basket, but I think people on OLD can sometimes be so picky that no matter how nice an email you send or how great your pictures are, people aren't really willing to read between the lines and take a chance on someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 2:58pm
It's a bit reassuring to know that it isn't just women who feel jilted or ghosted on. I have always stood by my belief that it is wrong to leave someone hanging. It is one thing to not respond to someone's profile since they have not met in person, but it's another thing to date someone even for a few times and then offer no explanation as to why they do not want to go out again. While there is an understanding that both parties can date other people until there is exclusivity, I think that if you decide to be exclusive with someone else, then it's only right to be honest with whoever else you are seeing. There are ways to be honest while at the same time NOT hurting someone else's feelings. I did not have the thick skin before and I'm not sure it is any thicker almost 3 years after swearing off OLD. Still, I'm trying to move on with my life after my last bad relationship (not from OLD). Still not sure what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2009
Tue, 07-14-2009 - 12:30pm

Thanks everyone! I had no idea that summer was considered the slow season. I'm not even looking for anything serious (especially not a booty call!) I just wanted to have a fun summer.


But then something hit me last week... why do I think that I need a man to have a good time??? That is ridiculous!


Now I am exercising on a regular basis and being selfish! lol! I get massages every 2 weeks and do whatever I want, whenever I want. Sure, I have my lonely days, but I am so fortunate and happy. :-)


So maybe I won't end my Match subscription after all. We'll see what kind of specials Match has once I'm canceled on August 7.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 2:02pm

Rejection sux, big time. I kept telling myself "You only need one. You only need one..." I also found it easier to deal with rejection when I juggled several men at the time.

Personally, I did not like Match. I found that their 6 month free policy made for a lot of very uninterested and flaky people. Or they were just burned out and didn't care anymore.

I contacted my DH on Yahoo (I had much better experience with Yahoo anyways). We would have not met otherwise, because his subscription was expiring and he stopped searching a long time ago.

When I did OLD, I would sign up for a month, and then have a break for a couple of months. I found it both time and emotionally consuming. Besides, after the first few weeks, the rate of emails drops significantly. So if you just wait for men to email you, you are wasting your money past month 2. JMHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2009
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 7:04pm

I guess you have to decide if you're being rejected for who you are or just how you look. Just remember that you aren't your body --