A note to all the members of the board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2003
A note to all the members of the board
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 8:46am
Hi everyone,

Emotions have been running high on the board this week, and I'd like to remind everyone of a few things:

Please keep in mind, we often tend to take our own emotional responses and "read" intention, emotional content or tone into someone else's post/email ... it's one of the hazards of this format. What we think and feel about a subject as we read it can reflect on the words we are reading from others - to the point where we might misunderstand what their true intentions were in posting their words. It is impossible to read facial expressions, tone or intent into many of these messages, and it often causes misunderstandings.

Please keep in mind that the "tone" in which something is read may completely change the meaning, and a seemingly harmless remark may hurt someone's feelings if it is read the wrong way. This board is a support board for members who are experiencing online dating. The topic leads to personal revelations and sharing, but just because a member shares a few personal details, please do not assume you know the entire story. Allow members to share their joys and their sorrows without judging their behaviors. Tips or suggestions on safety, online dating "rules" or other helpful items are welcome, but should not be phrased in a way that criticizes or attacks the member you are trying to help. (for example, hypothetical posts: instead of

"That was so DANGEROUS, you could have been killed, are you stupid or just desperate?!?!"

why not something along these lines ---

"I'm glad you had a good time, but it really scares me to hear about someone meeting an online friend for the first time and going to their house! Safety concerns really make me think twice about doing that - I'd rather meet in a public place! and even when we eventually get closer, I make sure someone knows where I'm going, what time I'll be home and has a cell phone number to contact me, plus the number of where we'll be. I'd rather be safe than sorry"

The two posts get the same sort of ideas across -- online dating safety, but the first one is an attack, and the second one is preachy but just your opinion, stated in a concerned way. Opinions are allowed, and everyone has at least one, but the phrasing that you use to share your opinions can be considered a violation of the Terms of Service (TOS http://www.ivillage.com/help/tos.html) if you attack the member, call them names, or put them down for their choices. Please choose your words with care, especially when your emotions are high. Take a moment to step away from the computer and come back and read your words again before you post, sometimes you may decide to use a different phrase, or to leave out something entirely.

Several posts recently have been very close to the line. Further posts that attack each other will be removed and may be entered against your account. Most importantly, avoid fanning the flames and move on. By counter-attacking, you prolong the argument and you risk jeopardizing your membership privileges. Please report any posts you feel violate the TOS, ignore and move on.

Thank you for your understanding and cooperation in this matter.

CM Zanna

Relationships Community Moderator


CM Zanna Farlow
Message Board Coordinator

| iVillage Message Boards |

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 2:32pm