Noticing Inconsistencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Noticing Inconsistencies
5
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 12:00am
I've been talking to a guy I met on-line for about two weeks now. We met for the first time on Wednesday. He seemed pleasant but I started noticing that he was directly contradicting himself. For example, on the phone he'd told me he had made the arrangements for his grandmother's funeral. However, when we were talking in person he mentioned how his aunt had botched the funeral arrangements. That could have been a simple change of plans. However, he also mentioned on the phone that he was the strong, unemotional type for others to lean on. Tonight he said how he's always an emotional guy. What gives? Am I reading too much into this? I've noticed I'm starting to shut-down emotionally about any future relationship. One big thing is that his picture looked a lot better than him and I'm not sure I would have recognized him if he hadn't approached me first. He's still kind of attractive but I'm kind of wondering about the whole thing. On the plus side, he seems like the most considerate guy, but I've been down that road before. He already doesn't seem to understand what I'm talking about half the time and has little to add. I probably should just hang this one up. Any thoughts would be appreciated :). Also, he seemed a little bitter about his ex, maybe a lot. I guess I am too, but I seldom show it to people; I know there's no way for them to know if it's warranted or not. Also, he messaged me the evening after our date saying he wanted a second and wanted to know if I did. It feels a little unnatural.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 6:46am

The funeral thing -- that's kind of creepy. Both of those things can't be true, and I'd be on the aunt botching it. It sounds like he thought it would make him seem responsible or capable or something to have arranged it.

Sounds like he's following a script of some kind -- telling you what he thinks he's supposed to say without meaning it. I dated a guy like that for a while, it usually felt like he was talking AT me, not TO me.

And he would tell me the same stories over and over again -- it began to bother me that he would not remember conversations that we had and I finally realized he was so self-involved he didn't recall WHO he was talking to about a subject, he talked to EVERYBODY about the same things. I was just a prop in his movie about himself. It wasn't malicious but he really was (is) unable to be genuine in some ways. (I could go on about the abusive alcoholic father and the adult child never knowing what "normal" is, but that's probably for another board.)

You can probably do better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 8:45am
Go with your gut. Your instincts are trying to tell you something isn't quite right. You should listen to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 11:18am

Go with your gut please. I've been on dates in the past where they contradicted themselves too and viewed it as a red flag. I pay attention when I'm interested in someone; almost like a "white elephant" where a guy tells me something and a month later I ask about it, they are like "good memory" but on the latter, I have busted a few (not in a long while) so.......

Plus if he's bitter which I can't stand because life is too short, let go of grudges then he may not be "ready to date". People who are bitter have their own issues to work on before they can be with someone else. It's one thing to vent to a friend, it's another to bring it out on a "date".....

I'd probably pass on this guy but whatever you do listen to your gut...

SP

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 11:47am
Thanks ladies. Your advice is trusted and appreciated. I struggle with recognizing what's normal, too, sposabella. I even felt kind of dumb asking about this guy, like I was being hysterical or unreasonable or something. I'm not feeling any particular connection with him and I think he's feigning his. So I think I'll just send him a polite message declining further contact. I've been thinking I'd just tell him something happened, which it did. It's not something I want to talk about, though. I don't know what I'll write exactly. It's great having all of you to ask about these things!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 7:04pm
Just tell him that it was nice meeting him but you don't think you are a match. Short, sweet and to the point. If you tell him something happened, you run the risk that he is going to ask you what and persist. This other way, you can put an end to it and block or ignore any further communication.

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