now what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
now what do I do?
10
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:30am
I sent the email to "not over ex" guy to say that I didn't see anything happening with us as far as a relationship, blah blah blah. Well, he responds back "Wow, that was unexpected. Can we talk about this? I really like talking with you and seeing you. Please call me". So now what do I do? I feel bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:38am
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:46am
okay, I know I know. I'll try to follow my own advice!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:48am
Good, since your own advice was brilliant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:54am

I know I said this before but I would tread VERY lightly. If he's still got ex-GF issues he probably THINKS he wants to date but once he gets into it might change his mind.

On the other hand, if he's worth the time, you may want to keep him around just as a friend and see what happens. Couldn't hurt. Just don't get attached.

If I were in your shoes - I'd be his friend. Sure why not. Just see other people and make it clear to him what's going on. He needs to get over his issues before either one of you can make a leap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 11:18am

Don't feel bad! It is not YOUR fault that he is hung up on an ex! You don't deserve to go through that kind of heartache! Because that is what it will be - if he is not over her, then he will never truly be emotionally available for you.

If you want to say something to "let him down easy" again. Just say that you think he is a nice guy too but that you need someone that is emotionally ready to date YOU. You said in that one post that he had told you that you had "given him a lot to think about". So it is not like this is unexpected! Or it shouldn't be. You might even be honest and say that you are not looking for a "friend" or a "buddy" and think that is all he can realistically offer right now.

Be strong! Good luck!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:09pm

Of course you feel bad- nobody likes it when something they say hurts someone else's feelings. (Well, except for those sociopaths we were talking about a few weeks ago- did anyone buy that book?)

But here's the thing: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FEELINGS. Stop thinking you are, right now. He's a grown-up; it's up to him to take responsibility for his feelings.

Guilt is a crappy reason to get into a relationship, and if you decide to "talk it over" with him because you "feel bad", that's EXACTLY what you are doing- getting/remaining involved with him because of your own guilty feelings. Bad idea.

I'm going to take a contrary view from some of the other advice and say that you shouldn't be his friend, either. I think he'll get the wrong message.

I think, instead, you should stick to your guns and simply say "I'm sorry if it was unexpected, but we are just not a match. Good luck in your search," and that's IT.

You don't owe him an explanation why, and if you give one to him, he'll probably want to argue with you about it or say that he can get over it- which he can, but NOT WITH YOU.

Amjay's quoting your own post was brilliant; she's totally right, because you know in your heart that you don't want to do that work with/for him.

If you really like him otherwise and WANT to be his friend, then go ahead, but be advised that pulling it off (when you started off as a dating relationship) is going to be fairly tricky.

The reason why, I think, is because if you strike up a friendship-level deal, he's probably going to be saying things like "well, why didn't you want to go out with me?" and you're going to have to explain that he's not over his ex, blah blah blah.

If he gets those feelings resolved (or thinks he has, anyway) then he'll be all "well, I'm over that now- so how about you and me?" and asking you to go out again.

No, I think it best that he get either a male friend (or a female friend that he's not interested in) to have that kind of relationship with.

I have a friend that I dated for a while. She was seeing a couple other guys, all casual, nothing big. She wound up going out exclusively with one of them and we remained friends. He's an ass. She's unhappy, they're broken up, they're trying again, they're broken up again... blah blah blah.

She and I are friends, but we do NOT talk about her relationship, we do NOT talk about our relationship potential, and in general man-woman romantic relations is a subject I intentionally steer clear of with her.

It just doesn't work, because I'd still love to date her- once she gets her head on straight and finishes breaking up with this dorkboy she's involved with.

I hear from her friends- THEY all think she should dump the guy, forget him, and date/marry/have children with me. I tell them to quit telling me, because it's up to HER to figure that out. LOL

But my point is that this guy already seems to have indicated that he wants to have that kind of discussion/talk with you... blech. It won't work. Don't do it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:22pm
thank you. You guys are right. Sometimes I just don't think I'm tough enough for OLD. I've had guys "dump" me and feel hurt but I have a harder time doing it to someone else. I start to have 2nd thoughts.
NGOL - I think that girl is stupid for dating a dork and not living happily ever after with you!
Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:46pm

You're not dumping him. You only went on TWO dates. Right?

Follow your instincts! There is a reason why we have them.

Also, I'd be careful with the whole friends things. I've had 3 guys where we went out on 2 dates and for whatever the respective reasons were, I knew there wasn't a romantic connection. So we had the "friend" talk and they all seemed ok with the friend thing. But after spending time together as friends a few times, the ALL tried to move it back into the romantic phase. I found it to be more annoying than anything. So my advice is, if you do want to be friends with this one, make sure he understands what that means to you.

I've got to say though, based on everything you've told us about this guy he sounds like a bottle full of drama. Is that something you really want in your life ? (No correct answer, more of a retorical question).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:49pm
My advice; don’t write back and block your email and screen calls. Otherwise he’ll try to argue/talk you out of it. Don’t! I’ve been in this situation before; stop the drama before he creates some for you, trust me.
Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 3:18pm

>>thank you. You guys are right. Sometimes I just don't think I'm tough enough for OLD. I've had guys "dump" me and feel hurt but I have a harder time doing it to someone else. I start to have 2nd thoughts.
NGOL - I think that girl is stupid for dating a dork and not living happily ever after with you!<<

I think you're right! ;)

Here's what I would like you to try, though. I notice that even in this answer, you've "defaulted" to a "Donna isn't good" type of response. Kind of like letting this guy get you feeling guilty for not wanting to go out with him.

So instead of thinking "You're right, I'm not tough enough for OLD"... try saying (out loud!) "Donna, you CAN do this. You can be kind and graceful and still stand up for yourself and not feel guilty for not wanting to date a guy!"

Yes, it totally sounds like those stupid affirmations by that old Al Franken character on Saturday Night Live. Who cares? You want to change your thinking and to KNOW that you are perfectly capable of doing this. If it takes stopping yourself in the midst of a negative thought, a thought which says you're not good enough, and literally saying "I CAN DO THIS", then that's what you gotta do!

Be tough and don't waste the pretty!