Obsessing about Unrequited feelings of

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Obsessing about Unrequited feelings of
22
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 1:45am

What? I'm not sure what I'm feeling, but I'm pretty sure right now these feelings

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 8:44am

Hey you : )

OK, first I want you to quit making yourself sick over this...You are not a victim here, right? You two really like eachother and you are just having new relationship nervers, which we all have at some point.

Girlfriend read my lips--No more checking of his myspace page. Really. It WILL make you question things, esp. if when you aren't 100% sure where you stand with him. It will also make you feel like you are being untrustung, which will make you act in more ways that prove it. (Not that you are, at all)

When I was living with my (now ex) and we started having problems, I started checking his myspace for "signs" that he was cheating, etc. It was hard not to be tempted, as he was a bodypainter for a burlesque show and friends with all the girls...

Anyway. Nothing good is going to come of the myspace thing, and it puts an obsessive vibe out to the universe. Is R still on Match (my man) ? I don't know. I assume he's not, but I will not go and check to see. I am using the trust policy, which while it is really different for me to...trust, I FEEL good. I also feel I come off as more trusting of his feelings for me.

Third, I am sure the two are just friends, that's it, and you have nothing to worry about. He hasn't told you yet b/c he probably didn't want to text that info to you. Anyhow, I wouldn't sweat it at all.

If you are feeling like you want more attention, tell him you'd like to see him more. Ask HIM out on a date, or inititate a phone call here or there. At this point it's really ok. You could call just to say you were thinking of him, which shows care and confidence.

I think this can work out for you, so quit giving yourself reasons why it won't. Make it work. Trust him and trust your judgment.

As a side note, have you made things official? Maybe you two could bring that up as well.

Hugs,

GB

Gal Blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 9:22am

people mirror back to us what we show them - so if you have been 'cooler' and just waiting to show him more feeling until after he shows it to you, then he is mirroring back to you the same thing. His level of involvement and interaction with you is similar to what you are showing him.

Remember - water seeks its own level.

So - you can decide to open up more, be honest with him about what your feelings are and why you've been so reserved, and give it some time to see if things grow from there or you can just bail without doing anything.

You can hold onto your fear and jump to conclusions - which in turn pushes away the thing you say you want. OR you can stick to what you know to be fact, stop speculating, learn to listen to your own instincts and discern what is fact and wha tis fiction and focus on the positives - which in turn invites more of the same. You can't have fear in your heart and love be able to grow.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 10:05am

Ugh, that sucks. I dont think i would EVER like Myspace. For THAT reason. I dont GET IT .. why in the WORLD would you (anyone) want all your message to & from someone, seen by ANYone out there?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 12:09pm

I don't have a page on myspace and don't think I could handle the whole situation with dating someone who had a page on that site. I had a hard enough time with OLD just seeing how active some of my past dates were on the site. It can create paranoia for sure.

In the meantime, try to chill (easier said than done, I know) and see where it goes. I'm getting that this girl is just a friend, so I would not assume the worst until there is reason to believe there's anything more there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 12:29pm

Gal, thanks for talking me down from the cliff... aaaahhhhh! I know, at midnight things look totally different than at 8am so I'm feeling better this morning. BUT, I definitely know that I want more and have to face the music and just tell him that. If it scares him off then I have to deal. If Tonitoons is right, and he's just mirroring my behavior towards him, and he wants more too, then we're both better for it, right?!?


You know, <> is the slap in the face I need, ha! Seriously I was not snooping because I am

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 12:37pm

<>


Toni, you are soooooo right! This is exactly where I'm at & I'm scared to be honest with him that I'm feeling more.


My girlfriend who we double-dated with on Saturday night told me I'm over-thinking because he & I looked so comfortable together, and we all

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 12:52pm

Rebecca, thanks for the hugs and support and the little story about Lawn Boy to distract me from my own problems, LOL! I always enjoy the stories you share and don't mind a thread jack from you at all!


So, here's the story -- B & I met on match. com at beginning of March

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 5:39pm

Here is something a friend on another board has said repeatedly:

When you are truly ready for the things you say you want - you don't freak, get scared, sabatoge, push away or hide from it. You are open, receptive and willing to do what is necessary to get and maintain it. YOu openly ask for what you want and need and you fully expect that you will get it. And when you realize that something isn't working- you take responsibility for your part and do what is necessary - including walk away. Basically - you dowhat WORKS.

It doesn't sound to me like you are really ready for a committed relationship because you are not willing to be honest aobut your feelings, you are fearful and insecure about him and how he perceives your actions. When you are not attached to a hte details of a situation, then the outcome is not frightening - and you have no problems letting go of what doesn't work.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 5:51pm

Tonitoons, Very good advice. And I agree that I'm not ready for the exclusivity talk yet. So that makes me also think I'm not ready to let him know that my feelings are growing -- or are they? Maybe I'm just not used to being kept at arms lenght and that's what's freaking me out!


I'm not ready to walk away yet, because when we are together I know we both very much enjoy each other's company. Maybe it's just as simple as being content with that, and keeping my options open in case it doesn't work out for one of us or both of us.


I don't know if you ever visit the Single Mothers & Dating message board, but I posted there last night about a totally different problem I'm having about my daughter & her biological father suddenly contacting me after 7 years. I think I'm blowing this with B.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 8:32pm

<>

I am so sorry you're going through this. And I think you're right---I think you're feeling insecure about B. and, yes, blowing it out of proportion because you're going through tremendous, life-altering stress right now. This was one of the issues that my STBDH and I discussed (and discussed and discussed) in our premarital counseling. We noticed a pattern of my getting very insecure and comparing myself to his ex-GFs whenever I felt overwhelmed with work stress. So I think that while our stressors and situations are different, our reactions (okay, over-reactions) are similar. If life was going smoothly for you and you didn't have this other huge issue weighing in on you, chances are you'd be able to take your relationship with B. in stride.

You know, I also think as women many of us tend to want to make things happen rather than just let our relationships unfold. Every relationship has its own history and its own timetable. From your previous posts, B. sounds like a pretty special guy. But remember, even special guys screw up. He may not have thought of his trip as a big deal and not worth mentioning to you---or he may have thought he told you about it. Another possibility---you're so stressed right now that maybe he did tell you and you forgot. Been there, done that!

BTW, I agree with other posters; I think I'd steer clear of My Space. It sounds like there's simply too much potential to read what isn't there and to get one's feelings hurt. (But if that other girl is telling him to have a good time on his date with you, I don't think she's interested in him in a romantic way. So please don't worry about her!)

Moogie

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