Oh, no! A "money" issue = dark cloud??
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| Tue, 10-25-2005 - 11:09pm |
If any of you have followed my posts recently, you may know that I have made an awesome connection with this guy from Match. We have clicked in SO many ways. We've been going out for two months now, and we've spent the night at each other's homes (and yes, we've had sex). This guy is so totally amazing, and I know that he feels the same about me. It's more than obvious that we both see a long term relationship in the future.
So here's the problem. We're both in sales, and he makes about 3x what I do. And typically, I make decent money and don't really have to pinch. But I've had a really rough six months, and money is SO very tight until January. Now, during each of our dates, I've offered to pay my half. I know that goes against some of the advice of everyone on this board, but he's pretty well off and I didn't want him to think that I was interested because of his money. And, too, I think it gives a good impression that I am willing to contribute equally in a relationship. I prefer to be "wooed" in other ways than just having him pay for everything.
But the problem is that I think he's kind of... frugal... when it comes to me. He's always accepted my money, and never "insisted" that he pay. Maybe I've created a monster, but he's always now expecting me to pay my share. And that's fine. But a situation happened recently that doesn't sit too well with me. He knows that money is tight. I've talked about it without getting "needy" or dramatic about it. Last night he took me to a concert (he had purchased very expensive tickets before he met me, and now that we're together, he asked me to to with him). I had a great time, but limited myself to one glass of wine and I bought him a drink. He ate (I wasn't hungry) and all seemed okay, even though I really wanted to buy him dinner/drinks. I figured he understood that things were tight and therefore he didn't say anything. I was grateful. But today, while we were IMing, I told him I had a little gift for him (a CD that I made). And he replied, "Oh, yeah... speaking of gift, you were supposed to buy me a T-shirt last night."
I didn't know what to say to that. He has never said anything like that before. He wasn't kidding -- he was serious. He spent a considerable amount of time looking at the T-shirts, but they were $40! I kept quiet and didn't ask for anything myself, but I just figured if he wanted one, he would get one.
What do I do? I responded by writing, "I'm sorry. I know you spent a lot of money on those tickets. I would've liked nothing more than to buy you a souvenier, but money is just so tight for a few months. I'll make it up to you."
But that was the end of the conversation. It left me feeling stupid and angry. I thought it was an insensitive thing to say. I don't know if he truly doesn't get the picture, or what. What do I do? PLease don't tell me to dump him. We are so unbelievable together, and we so very much enjoy each other's company. I want to nip this in the bud, but I don't know how. Help?
Edited 10/25/2005 11:13 pm ET by tobi7726

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You can't nip cheapness in the bud...a guy is either cheap, or he's not, and he's either rude, or he's not...and this guy is both (cheap and rude), IMO. Up to you to decide if you can deal with it.
But I NEVER offer to pay unless I WANT the guy to take me up on it, FWIW. It's not fair to offer and not mean it, IMO.
Sheri
>I responded by writing, "I'm sorry. I know you spent
>a lot of money on those tickets. I would've liked
>nothing more than to buy you a souvenir, but money
>is just so tight for a few months. I'll make it up to you."
He should have been the one feeling stupid and angry for expecting a souvenir. Where did this expectation come from? Don’t feel as if you owe him anything because you don’t! He bought the concert tickets before he met you and it was his choice to take you along, so irrespective of the cost or when he bought them it was wrong for him to expect something in return. You must decide between driving yourself bankrupt to keep up with his expectations or simply not doing things that you can’t afford to do. He either gladly pays your way without keeping a tab or he gladly accepts doing things that you both can afford. I think you need to be assertive rather than apologetic when explaining this to him.
I totally agree with all of you.
I once dated a guy that was "frugal" and what I found was that he was also "frugal" with his affection. I really can't abide cheap people.
You also have probably set up this expectation that you will pay for stuff...I guess I'm just old-school. I a guy makes that much more money than me, sure I'll pay for something once in a while, but heck he should be paying most of the time!!!
Something to consider....he might make alot of money but he might be in debt up to his eyeballs...do you want to be with someone who can't manage his money?
The reality is that you should have never gotten him used to paying half(I'm old fashioned,I don't believe in it)and he never should have accepted it either.I offer, but I expect them to say no. That's my litmus test. If you guys are so good together then it means that you should feel comfortable to tell him anything, and he should be cognizant of your needs and situation and act accordingly. If you don't tell him the truth about these financial issues then you don't have much of a relationship.Financial Guru, Suzie Orman advises that if you can't discuss finances with your man then it dosen't say much about the relationship, I agree with her.
Don't delay, do it today. As much as it may hurt you now, imagine how it may hurt a lot more later. You have an early warning, act on it!
No need to dump just communicate with him. Have a heart to heart talk with him and tell him exactly what you posted here. How you want to pitch in but at the same time you need to be money concious. If you are as amazing as you think you are this will be no problem and life will go on. If it isn't okay then he isn't the person you want to date.
F
first you can't change the way he thinks or feels. but you can tell him how you feel and expect to be treated and decide to walk or not? up to you but it probably won't change
quite honestly it is a dealbreaker for me. if he made less differet story - but no man should ever expect ME to pay for something unless I ask him if he wants something or i offer to take him out.. otherwise there is no expectation it is plain rude to say something like that
he is either not a generous person when it comes to money, or/and he is very selfish
there is one thing to being frugal another being selfish..
two e.g
i had one bf who was very frugal made a little more than i but paid most of the tiem when we went to dinner occasinally i would buy. but he never ever asked. and when i would go out of town he would give me some $$ to buy things. when we went shopping he'd always buy me a shirt also even tho i was buying my own things too. but it was a gift..
but he did like to save his money as well and wasn't just an open wallet but he was kind and generous in those ways.
the other example
was also a concert. my current BF-- invited me out to a concert. He had the tickets for over 6 mths and they were well over $300.00.. I never asked, I went w/ him. he took me to dinner ( i offered to pay he declined and said I asked you out) and this was into our 2nd month of dating.. he bought our drinks all night long and even offered to buy ME the t-shirt..
this is the way it works.. they ask they take care of you. i offered out of courtesy and yess I would have paid if he said fine and would not have felt bad cuz I know it is not about him not being generous.
I do a lot of other things for him too, have cooked a few nice meals, stayed at his house waiting on the phone guy (my time) and other things that cost less $$$. and I have offered to take him to dinner.. and will
point is can you live w/ soemoen like this.
I had a nother guy made a ton of money. the first 3 mths he paid everything then all of sudden he was like your guy saying i need to do this or that. i am like what? you make all this $$$ and never used you, did things for him too and all of a sudden he got weird asking me to pay. and it was not like i offered.. he made a big deal just buying me a cup of coffee. like he did me a big favor.but yet he could buy 200.00 pair of shoes.
so up to you - but i dont' see soemthing like that getting any better. no matter what you say
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