Oh, no! A "money" issue = dark cloud??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Oh, no! A "money" issue = dark cloud??
29
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 11:09pm

If any of you have followed my posts recently, you may know that I have made an awesome connection with this guy from Match. We have clicked in SO many ways. We've been going out for two months now, and we've spent the night at each other's homes (and yes, we've had sex). This guy is so totally amazing, and I know that he feels the same about me. It's more than obvious that we both see a long term relationship in the future.

So here's the problem. We're both in sales, and he makes about 3x what I do. And typically, I make decent money and don't really have to pinch. But I've had a really rough six months, and money is SO very tight until January. Now, during each of our dates, I've offered to pay my half. I know that goes against some of the advice of everyone on this board, but he's pretty well off and I didn't want him to think that I was interested because of his money. And, too, I think it gives a good impression that I am willing to contribute equally in a relationship. I prefer to be "wooed" in other ways than just having him pay for everything.

But the problem is that I think he's kind of... frugal... when it comes to me. He's always accepted my money, and never "insisted" that he pay. Maybe I've created a monster, but he's always now expecting me to pay my share. And that's fine. But a situation happened recently that doesn't sit too well with me. He knows that money is tight. I've talked about it without getting "needy" or dramatic about it. Last night he took me to a concert (he had purchased very expensive tickets before he met me, and now that we're together, he asked me to to with him). I had a great time, but limited myself to one glass of wine and I bought him a drink. He ate (I wasn't hungry) and all seemed okay, even though I really wanted to buy him dinner/drinks. I figured he understood that things were tight and therefore he didn't say anything. I was grateful. But today, while we were IMing, I told him I had a little gift for him (a CD that I made). And he replied, "Oh, yeah... speaking of gift, you were supposed to buy me a T-shirt last night."

I didn't know what to say to that. He has never said anything like that before. He wasn't kidding -- he was serious. He spent a considerable amount of time looking at the T-shirts, but they were $40! I kept quiet and didn't ask for anything myself, but I just figured if he wanted one, he would get one.

What do I do? I responded by writing, "I'm sorry. I know you spent a lot of money on those tickets. I would've liked nothing more than to buy you a souvenier, but money is just so tight for a few months. I'll make it up to you."

But that was the end of the conversation. It left me feeling stupid and angry. I thought it was an insensitive thing to say. I don't know if he truly doesn't get the picture, or what. What do I do? PLease don't tell me to dump him. We are so unbelievable together, and we so very much enjoy each other's company. I want to nip this in the bud, but I don't know how. Help?




Edited 10/25/2005 11:13 pm ET by tobi7726
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 5:44pm

I agree (for once) with much of what has been said.

But first, I must mention that I find it highly ironic that people are judging him and suggesting that you talk to him about this. However, not too long ago, you posted about this guy leaving you a note the morning after you first had sex with him. At that time people were telling you, in essence, to get over it, that he was just being polite and considerate. Now he's a cheapskate.

It's okay to mistreat someone when it comes to sex, but don't dare mistreat someone with money? That's interesting.

You were encouraged to sweep that issue under the rug. Don't sweep this issue under the rug too.

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 6:45pm

ya know what I wouldn't kick him to the curb but explain to him about how you feel?
maybe he was kidding or misread things

quite honestly r'ships take work and part of the beginning is getting to know someone also and work through the uncertainties. sometimes we are quick to judge something and it is due to something from their past the reason they act a certain way

of course if it continued then you have your answer just like the night over. if he were to continue to leave notes and leave in the morning then no that is not tolerated.

again it is not something to ignore but work through the uncertainty first before you decide to through him back out to the sharks.

sometimes we have these strict dealbreakers but we don't always give a chance to see if it was just a one time thing..

so talk to him about it , ask him why he /felt the need to say that and if he was serious about you buying him a tshirt??

my prev post it is a dealbreaker but i would work through it first so i know for sure before breaking it off

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 7:16pm

Is this the same guy that left the note?

if it is then I would say "second strike".....and I look at how he treats you in the rest of your life....does he actively listen when you are talking? by active I mean ask questions, clarify, and relate? is he an effective communicator? How does he treat the other relationships in his life..ie his mother, friends, coworkers etc. Any issues/problems? If he can't master communication and other relationships then I would look at saying NEXT.

IMO, if he makes 3x what you do and is "cheap" then it is also a respect issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 8:46pm

Forgive me for chiming in again. :) I just can't help it ...

I'm the one who dumped her guy because he wouldn't lend me $3.00. I just urge you to please take a closer look ... and I'm not sure communicating with him is going to do the trick. He accepted all your offers of half ... hmmm, so did my guy, knowing that it put a HUGE financial strain on me. He would pick the places we would go most of the time (not cheap places, I might add) and expect me to reciprocate. I couldn't. It wasn't financially possible, and I racked up credit card debt trying not to appear a greedy woman ... very, very foolish on my part. I did a lot of things for that man, including painting his entire house, without a lick of help from him. What I discovered is this, a man who is cheap with his pocketbook is cheap in most other ways. I don't EXPECT to be wined and dined, it's not the money, it's the thought. I'm also a believer in he who asks, pays. But he would ask, then ask me to pay. It started out small, so small that you wonder "hmmmm, is there a problem here?" ... and then escalates into financial hell. I found out after I broke up with him that he is PROUD of being cheap. That the reason he has so much money is because he never spends it ... golly, thanks for asking me to spend all mine. If I were you, I would start by asking if he was really serious about you buying him a t-shirt, and if the answer is "yes", I would want to know why. And if it's because you "owed it to him" for taking you to a concert, I would walk. But, that's just me. You making a cd as a gift for him is a far more thoughtful gift than forking over $40 for a t-shirt. Anyone who took the time, and put in the thought to make me a cd as a "thank you" gift, ranks way above just handing over my cash. You are generous of heart, and deserve the same from a man.

I completely understand how you feel about the note in the morning thing ... if I were you, I would have felt the same way, and in my younger years might have blown it off. I don't know a man worth his salt who would do that, unless there was somewhere he HAD to be and didn't want to wake you. Any other reason is just crazy. Yes, I understand it's difficult to sleep in a strange place, but come on. I don't know, maybe it's just me ... and I hope it is, but this man sounds a little selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 8:52pm

So it's been a day or two (can't keep up...lol) - where is this story now?

Either something's missing in the original post or he's an A-hole.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 9:23pm
O.k. I just had to stop reading the responses and give my two cents. I agre wiht those I did read that you have NOTHING to apologize for at all. I also am astonished that he feels comfortable with you paying for half of EVERYTHING! To me, that doesn't sound like dating, but a "he gets to have a date that pays for herself and gives him sex." Don't get me wrong, I offer and have treated plenty of times. But, if the guy never treated that would be a big turn off. I got really annoyed when I heard he actually told you that you owed him a t-shirt. I'd tell him where he could stick that t-shirt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 12:00am

Thanks, everyone (once again) for your advice and input. Here's an update:

I did have a talk with him tonight (face to face). I brought up the t-shirt, and said, "I think we really need to talk about that, because it just didn't sit too well with me." He looked totally stunned, and immediately responded by saying that the comment was just a teasing comment. I confessed that I didn't think so at the time, and he apologized profusely. I then brought up about the fact that I have been paying half of each "date" and I asked him how he felt about that. He did look pretty cute as he scrunched up his face and said, "Oh, boy. I think that no matter what I say, it's probably going to come out badly. But the reality is, it's been a while since I dated. And I in no way wanted to offend you by insisting I pay if you had some firm convictions as to why you felt you needed to contribute. And I figured you'd talk about it at some point. But until then, I just kept going with the tone you set." (Or something to that effect)

After we finished that conversation, he looked at me for a minute and said something like, "You know... I'd like to think that I'm an intelligent guy. But the fact is, I AM a guy. And we think in simple, clear, black or white terms. And so I apologize in advance if I do anything else that is insensitive or stupid. But please call me on it right away so that I'm aware. I like you, and I'm just trying to be funny and witty. But I don't think I'm pulling it off so well."

And he just looked so damn hot and cute, that I leaned over and kissed him. And it was a nice way to break the ice. I'm not saying he still is relieved of all responisbility of that comment, but you know what? I think many of us here, including myself, are looking for perfection. And we're just not going to find it, simply because we're all human. As long as I know this guy has good intentions in his heart, and as long as we click, then that's enough for me. If I analyze and agonize over every stupid little thing, then it's going to be a really rough road. I'd rather just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Comments, anyone? (Where's Hal on this one??? LOL)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 1:06am

Well, I gotta say, he's either an EXCELLENT bs artist, or he's being genuine. Did it seem plausible in retrospect that he was joking about the T-shirt?

I didn't realize this was the same guy who left the note (sorry, I just forgot who the poster was on that post)...he seems to be a little clueless about manners in general, doesn't he! But so long as you feel comfortable that his heart is in the right place, that's what counts.

He does make my point about offering to pay though...you started it ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 6:55am
Well, I think that talk went very well....I had agreed before reading your last post that you should dump this guy, but now I'm having second thoughts. Communication is the key, isn't it. Now we just have to make sure that he is being sincere and you'll know that by what transpires in the future. Good luck to you!