Oh, no! A "money" issue = dark cloud??
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| Tue, 10-25-2005 - 11:09pm |
If any of you have followed my posts recently, you may know that I have made an awesome connection with this guy from Match. We have clicked in SO many ways. We've been going out for two months now, and we've spent the night at each other's homes (and yes, we've had sex). This guy is so totally amazing, and I know that he feels the same about me. It's more than obvious that we both see a long term relationship in the future.
So here's the problem. We're both in sales, and he makes about 3x what I do. And typically, I make decent money and don't really have to pinch. But I've had a really rough six months, and money is SO very tight until January. Now, during each of our dates, I've offered to pay my half. I know that goes against some of the advice of everyone on this board, but he's pretty well off and I didn't want him to think that I was interested because of his money. And, too, I think it gives a good impression that I am willing to contribute equally in a relationship. I prefer to be "wooed" in other ways than just having him pay for everything.
But the problem is that I think he's kind of... frugal... when it comes to me. He's always accepted my money, and never "insisted" that he pay. Maybe I've created a monster, but he's always now expecting me to pay my share. And that's fine. But a situation happened recently that doesn't sit too well with me. He knows that money is tight. I've talked about it without getting "needy" or dramatic about it. Last night he took me to a concert (he had purchased very expensive tickets before he met me, and now that we're together, he asked me to to with him). I had a great time, but limited myself to one glass of wine and I bought him a drink. He ate (I wasn't hungry) and all seemed okay, even though I really wanted to buy him dinner/drinks. I figured he understood that things were tight and therefore he didn't say anything. I was grateful. But today, while we were IMing, I told him I had a little gift for him (a CD that I made). And he replied, "Oh, yeah... speaking of gift, you were supposed to buy me a T-shirt last night."
I didn't know what to say to that. He has never said anything like that before. He wasn't kidding -- he was serious. He spent a considerable amount of time looking at the T-shirts, but they were $40! I kept quiet and didn't ask for anything myself, but I just figured if he wanted one, he would get one.
What do I do? I responded by writing, "I'm sorry. I know you spent a lot of money on those tickets. I would've liked nothing more than to buy you a souvenier, but money is just so tight for a few months. I'll make it up to you."
But that was the end of the conversation. It left me feeling stupid and angry. I thought it was an insensitive thing to say. I don't know if he truly doesn't get the picture, or what. What do I do? PLease don't tell me to dump him. We are so unbelievable together, and we so very much enjoy each other's company. I want to nip this in the bud, but I don't know how. Help?
Edited 10/25/2005 11:13 pm ET by tobi7726

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I think he's being honest. There are plenty of girls that would offer to pay because they want to go dutch, so I can see that as a reasonable thing for him to assume.
Stop offering if you want him to pay.
I can also see the teeshirt thing as teasing was it in email? So hard to pull off teasing in email.
tobi-
i commend you and you did the right thing.. sometimes no offense people we all get a bit jaded due to past experiences and the first thing that we think when someone pulls a bad habit or something we are not use to or comparing to , we dump him right away.. we don't work through it and see if he a justifiable explanation. we don't care we just take our judgements and make a decision to no longer see anyone.. sometimes we don't want to deal w/ it or confront someone easier to walk away
i commend you and quite honestly from what you wrote he sounds very sincere and genuine and likes YOU.. he maybe a bit clueless w/ dating or he may have just taken your lead. because you started to offer to pay and the t-shirt could have been a joke but also because you have paid so much he also thought maybe you would buy the t-shirt- there are a lot of liberated women out there that want to go 50/50. not this one..
the guy i am dating now we have worked through a few uncertainties on my behalf and that is what dating/getting to know someone is all about and also to know that they can communicate w/ you and respect your feelings.
he honestly could have been a jerk and been immature and not responded in that light at all.
if it bothers you and it's worth discussing do so. something we do have to let roll because we can't always be complaining about our bf's then they won't think they can please us. but i think you had a valid reason to discuss it, you were uncomfortable and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
not everyone is the same, will act the same and communication is key to getting to learn about someone and their ways or/wants/needs..
watch how he acts from now forward w/ future dates. who pays and what he says. and let this go. don't ever mention it again , if he pulls another one then you know it's BS
Cheapness is a very unpleasant characteristic, and it may be that he's not only cheap, but stingy. If he's stingy, he may be stingy in other ways down the road. If he were generous, he would not have made that comment...I don't know what that was all about, but it doesn't bode well....
I'm sorry....I don't like it. Dissapointing...
Sooooooo sorry!!! I should have read all the posts before opening my big mouth. I think you handled it beautifully, and he sounds genuine. I'm glad you gave it a chance & communicated with him, it really sounds like it went well.
I'll remember this the next time I have an issue....
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