OLD Good News & Bad News
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| Wed, 02-16-2005 - 10:07am |
HI All !
(The Good News)My profile & pics have been active on Match for about 9 days now and I have been receiving a substantial number of winks and emails on a daily basis :). Thats a wonderful thing to know that people are interested. So that aspect of it is positive :)and yes I am very excited to say that I have already had an opportunity to speak with a very nice guy by phone who is mutually interested in meeting with me (probably this week, contingent upon our schedules).
(The Bad News)Because I am getting so much correspondence, I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed by the OLD process. Sometimes it is very easy to know when someone just doesn't appeal to you (i.e. the attraction factor). I did take northwestwanderer's advice and have been directly deleting those specific ones rather than sending out an auto generated "I'm not interested" response, due to the rudeness factor of the wording.
The last thing that I want to do is to hurt anyones feelings etc.. However, I have also received some nasty grams from a number of guys because I didn't respond to their initial winks/emails. One guy in particular wrote a very sarcastic email, you could literally feel the anger pouring out through his words. In addition,I have also received some emails that have been written in very bad taste (totally vulgar and/or offensive)!
So issue #1, how does one deal with that element of the OLD process ?
Issue #2, is in regard to the winks & emails that I have saved (because they represent strong potential). I have never dated more than one guy at a given time (was raised in a very conservative home w/very traditional values), so the thought of going out on dates with a number of different guys within a relatively close time frame is just somewhat overwhelming to my (shy & conservative) personality, as well as to my very busy personal & academic schedule! At this point,I have held off on initiating further contact with these "keepers" because quite literally I just don't know how I am suppose "to juggle" all these contacts and still be able to make a sensible decision about each one.
Gees, The Bachelorette tv program makes it look like meeting & dating men is so simple... Quite the contrary !
Are there any tips that you wiser & more knowledgeable OLD users can provide ?

Hi Lady M,
Yes, it IS hard to meet people in 'real life'.
What you have to do is Change your concept of what you knew the Last time you dated, which may have been some time back?
On OLD, you have to learn to ignore when people are ugly and move on. No response needed from you. In my job, I am in contact with some 1,000 people at a time, in an hour. Among those, there at Least 10 people who JUST want to BE nasty to someone. We call it the "pebble" theory; when you drop a pebble in the water, how many of those 'circles' does it make? You may be about 4 'circles' back, but YOU are getting the wrath/anger/bitterness that the person has been harboring against the opposite sex! Sadly, OLD puts you in "the line of fire" for that. Develop a little "armadillo armor" around your heart for that case.
I am 48 and NEVER dated more than one person, but on OLD you Have to! There are lots of good threads here about how/what to do, and they are Great learning tools from Wonderful people here! Go, have fun, expect nothing. It will NOT follow the path of dating you are "used to"--calls, just dating one person, etc...so get those cemented in your psyche and you will enjoy OLD.
Getting a lot of hits is cool, good for the ego. When you first get online, you are "new fluffies", so get lots of attention, which is great! After awhile, it might slow down..be ready for that too, ego-wise.
Mostly, don't take it "personally" on the personals!
best o luck! There ARE the Good. the Bad and The Ugly, all you want is ONE good one, but you might kiss a lot of Frogs first,Princess!
My favorite advice: "Roll on, Little Rock!"
Truly,
Cupcake
lady_marina...
Take it from someone who has been connected with broadcasting for more than 30 years....DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SEE OR HEAR!
When you view shows like "The Bachelorette"....you're watching a version that has had all the out-takes, gliches and imperfections edited out!
Hey lm - here's my advice on the things you brought up.
As for the guys that send nasty emails b/c you didn't respond - they are not worth your time. Their nastygram just confirms your instinct that they are not for you. Chances are, they would have sent a nasty comment if you had sent a "thanks but no thanks" or a "why do you say that? You don't even know me!" indignant email. Anyone that sends a nasty email to a lack of response or a "thanks but no thanks" email needs to take a step back and not take this so seriously!
I too feel uncomfortable "dating" more than one guy at a time but at this early stage, I also don't think of it as dating. You are meeting new people and deciding if you want to date them. There is no relationship, no commitment, no loyalty to them at all b/c you don't even know them. So many meetings don't go past one or two unless you feel a real connection. Don't take it so seriously that you are "dating" these guys but instead you can almost look at it like you are "interviewing" guys to be a potential boyfriend! If you were interviewing for a job, you wouldn't want to interview just one person, would you? Same thing with this. You are looking at their "resume" online, doing a coouple phone screens and then the big interview or two. It might work, it might not. You might get to the point where you have a few candidates that you need to decide among. But don't fret until that time comes! :-)
On that - good luck!!
Here's my suggestions. Take 'em or leave 'em. :)
FWIW, I've been doing OLD off and on for several years.
Okay, I'm a firm believer that you should respond to *everyone* who emails you. Even if it's just clicking on the automated response. I think it's a matter of simple courtesy.
Also, here's how I look at it. If you're rejecting them and they're the type to get their feelings hurt by that (and let's face it, nearly every human being is going to hurt, at least a little, when rejected), then there's two main ways to reject someone. You can reject them by simply ignoring them, or reject them gracefully with a little note.
No matter WHAT you do, you're going to occasionally get nastygrams from those weak, lame, defective personality types- whether you ignore them or send them a "no thanks" note.
So I say you should be honest and clear, and at least send a note. You can't do anything about the lame-O's anyway; but at least sending a response lets the good guys know that you looked and you're not into them, so they can move on.
For dealing with the lame-Os: One thing you can do is when you DO turn someone down is immediately block them from mailing you again. That way you never have to see their hateful, hurting words.
For the old dating-more-than-one-guy issue, here's my suggestion.
As soon as you get a good prospect or two, hide your profile.
If you're really not comfy dating more than one guy at a time (and there's nothing wrong with that; OLD definitely works better if you ARE willing to date multiple people, but you can do it one-at-a-time if you want) then you should hide your profile as soon as you have a good one on the line.
I also think there's nothing wrong with being honest and (after you hide your profile) sending a "potential keeper" that already wrote to you a note saying "Oh my gosh, I am getting a ton of email, but I liked yours and will follow up with you as soon as I have time."
He might want to get moving right then and there, but if he is a good man he'll say "okay, cool, let me know when you're ready" and you'll be able to go back to him in a week or a month and start up a conversation (assuming that guy #1 didn't work out).
I'm not really sure how you deal with the vulgar or offensive emails that come right from the start- you don't know to block those guys until after the damage is already done! I guess the best thing to do is just ignore them and immediately block them.
Welcome to OLD. It's a wild, wooly jungle out here. :)
I'll keep it short and sweet:
1. Newbies get lots of attention. It generally fades in a month.
2. People disappear for all times for reasons known only to themselves - a decent number diappear in terror at the thought of meeting.
3. Why waste your time sending no thanks emails?
4. Given the amount of time that it takes to meet -- you can safely juggle 3 or 4. Guaranteed 50% of them never make it to meeting for some odd reason.
5. The cliche "easy come easy go" pretty conveniently sums up the online dating experience.
>>Yes, I know his "common courtesy" and "graciously send a response" will make you rethink things.<<
(rolling eyes) Yes, how horrible, that my opinion might actually give her something to THINK about. Sheesh! :)
Actually, believe it or not, stuff on this board has made me change some of my own operating practices. I cover my bets now and confirm my dates, even if it's firmly set up. (Sorry, Sheri- if I ever wind up dating you I'm sure that will annoy you!)
I didn't lay a guilt trip on her. I just stated what I think, and why. And FWIW, I didn't say I think she should respond to winks or nasty emails.
I also think that more effective use of blocking is a good idea for anyone/everyone.
Edited 2/17/2005 12:24 pm ET ET by niceguyonline122004