OLD while separated

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2009
OLD while separated
10
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 4:33pm

What is the consensus on this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 7:40am

I did OLD while separated. Like some others...my marriage was over long before I could get ex out the door. THen it took a reallllllllly long time for us to get divorced. I had the world's slowest lawyers (I changed lawyers twice, all three of them created unnecessary delays). So it was a good three years after he moved out before the divorce was final. NEver bothered the guys I went out with.

And I was always honest about it. I wasn't needy or clingy or whiny or angry or any of the things you would worry about with a newly separated date.

However, I don't include separated men when I search a dating site. IMHO, women tend to be more emotionally aware in the first place...a guy who is newly separated doesn't usually have a clue. And when I read their profiles, they sound like guys who aren't ready to date yet. When his profile starts out saying something like "Lookin for an HONEST woman who won't CHEAT and no HEAD GAMES' then you know his wounds are a little too fresh.

sooooobig
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 11:45pm

Every situation is different, but I tend to think people need time to heal and learn to live independently again after separating.


Instead of thinking about what I might get out of dating during that time, I tried to think of it from the perspective of someone who might go out with me. I mean, what did I have to offer someone else? Not much really. I was focused on making sure my children were okay, staring a new job, getting used to being a single homeowner, and negotiating a divorce settlement. Not much emotional energy or focus left for doing much but meeting people casually.


Dating under those circumstances just

Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.          &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 4:01pm

Generally speaking, I think it's a bad idea to start dating while technically still married for a number of reasons, but if nothing else simply because if the stbx finds out, what's to stop them from using that, or trying to use it, against you in the divorce? I've seen it happen to a number of friends, and while in most cases,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 3:42pm
I did because it took over a year and a half before my divorce was final. I waited over six months before I started putting up profiles or dating. It was enough time, and I have no regrets about it. I was the one who left and I had zero feelings for my ex at all, even way before that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 2:17pm
Generally I would avoid guys who aren't divorced yet. If they were separated I would try to find out where they are in the legal process--if it's uncontested and they are just waiting out the period for the judgment to be final, then maybe. I certainly wouldn't want to be in the situation that I have heard of many times of someone who is living apart but still invested emotionally w/ the STBX, or sometimes the guy (and this can work both ways) is thinking that everything's going to be fine, then his STBX gets wind of the fact that he has a new girlfriend and he's happy and then decides to make his life miserable by dragging out the divorce, asking for more money, etc. Who wants to have to endure that? It would certainly add more stress to the new relationship. I also think that until people have been apart for a while, they really can't get perspective on what went wrong in the marriage and I would want to be w/ someone who had time to think about his past relationships and how he can avoid making the same mistakes again.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 11:45am

I totally agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 11:30pm

The guy I recently posted about where things got too heavy too fast and burned out - he's been separated for 10 months, and nobody has filed! They have semi-legitimate reasons, but I still had my doubts. He said they have everything figured out - I told him in most cases, it takes a good year AFTER a divorce for a guy to even be ready for another relationship! And they haven't even begun.

He insisted he was ready to date and he was 'over' his ex. I went against my better judgment, instincts, the whole nine-yards. After spending a night there and not hearing from him for a couple days, I got an email about how our night together made him feel guilty . . . I was his first since his wife 10 months before . . . and he apparently still had feelings for her, and was not ready to date afterall.

Haven't heard from him since. But he certainly must have gotten over his guilt feelings, because I see he's back online! I learned my lesson(s).

Violet

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2009
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 8:51pm

I'll be that one exception, LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2009
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 8:42pm

"Generally", dating while separated is frowned upon and just not such a great idea. However, that being said, there are INDIVIDUAL exceptions to this.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 6:11pm

In general, I think it's a bad idea to date before you are divorced. And even after you divorce, I still don't think you are ready to get right back into dating.

I hear people say, "I did all my grieving while I was still married/separated, so I'm healed," but I don't buy it. I think it takes a long time to come to terms with divorce. From what I have read on these boards, apparently it takes a really, really long time to make a divorce final in some states (like years) so in a case like that, I think it would be OK to date.

Let's face it: jumping right back into dating is just going to lead to a rebound relationship, and who needs that? I also think a lot of people want to prove that they've still "got it" so engage in some meaningless hook-ups...and if they can handle it, then fine. And of course, there are the rare exceptions that prove the rule.

Just yesterday I got an email from POF from a separated man online. He seemed OK, but I'm not going to pursue it. Too complicated.