Older Men.. not for me...
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| Wed, 05-04-2005 - 2:00am |
I'm 36 years old. I've been told twice the last week that I look 28. (ie Other person:" How old are you? 28?" Me: "Try almost 10 years older") The oldest man I have dated was born in 1964. We broke up shortly before his 30th birthday. The youngest man I have dated was born in 1974.
A 47 year old man emailed me on American Singles. Granted I am not attracted to older men but his email was funny so I replied. I think pressure from friends accusing me of being too "picky" had something to do with that. After a few emails he asked to meet me. He was nice and funny and a great conversationalist but even though he is only 11 years older than I am, I felt like I was out with my dad. He was playing with my hair and all I could think of was "if he tries to kiss me, I will gag." I feel very shallow saying this but I just could not have done it. I feel icky and I don't know why. He did make one or two midly suggestive remarks that from a guy my age would have been cute. I think I'm going to take a shower. Obviously, I am not Electra. So much for the theory that women who are raised by single moms are looking for a daddy substitute! I am certainly not.
He kept telling me how pretty I was and asked to see me again. I said I was booked for the entire month of May. Which is not a total lie. I have to catch up with my friends who I have not seen thanks to grad school. However, if I had been interested I could have squeezed him in. Other than this Friday for a late Cinco de Mayo get together and spending Mother's Day with my mom I have no set plans.
I maybe shallow but I am glad I did it - I can at least say I tried.
Edited 5/4/2005 2:16 am ET ET by annonymoss

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Besides, anyone with a lick of dating sense knows that saying you're going to be busy for the foreseeable future is an indication that the person is NOT interested.
Sheri
Just for the record, I was put off
I still believe the original poster has a right to her preferences. I can't for the life of me understand why anyone on this board would take her feelings as a personal reference. I'm 44, and I know LOTS of people who would consider me OLD! Hell, I've listened to women a mere two years younger than me point out that they are at least not "my age" yet. Thus, I felt no resentment toward a 36 year old for asserting that 47 is old.
Doesn't bother me any more. We are all getting older, every day. Seems to me it's the women who get attacked for being "too picky." I felt PG was a tad defensive, and that has been a common theme in some of his posts. I get the feeling he may have experienced rejection by younger women and hence his visceral response. I don't feel his blanket condemnation was warranted.
Well, men have practiced age discrimination for EONS! Why can't we as women have a few of our own criteria?
My feeling is that we will all recognize the right person for us if/when they appear. In the meantime, I don't believe ANYONE should be criticized for the choices they make. I think if the original poster were attracted to this man, felt simpatico toward him, his age would not have mattered. However, he sounds like a total turn-off to me.
I don't want to be antagonistic;I just don't believe that anonymoss is derserving of some of the vitriol directed to her.
I'm with Linda -- I was also put off by the original poster's attitude. NOT because she didn't want to date the older guy -- that's perfectly OK and understandable with me -- but because she was so sneering, and for these reasons:
She put him down JUST for being older, as if an older man being attracted to a younger woman made him creepy. So SHE gets to have a preference, but HE doesn't?
She bashed him for being attracted to her and demonstrating it, even though he had every right to think she might be attracted back to him -- SHE agreed to the date. The hair-playing thing might have been over the line, but NOT because he was older. It was just a case of coming on too strong.
And ... she acknowledged that IN A YOUNGER GUY, she might have found the behavior cute. So why is it creepy when it's from Bachelor X? The whole idea of older men being sexual? That's a hangup, not a preference.
I've got one issue with this whole thing... Why was the man allowed to continue to play with the OP's hair? If a man touched me and I didn't want him in my space, there'd be no way he'd continue.
It's fine to have preferences, but it's not ok to allow a person to be led into thinking there's interest when there is none.
I had an embarrassing moment telling a guy I wasn't interested in pursuing anything with him in person - it was very awkward.
I'm not trying to be controversial, but I guess I don't understand what it was about the original post that was so offensive...I didn't see any sneering or "attitude"...maybe the OP didn't mean to come across as she did to some of you?
I'm sorry - I just know that sometimes in the past, I've typed posts that have come across the wrong way.
Annonymoss, I hate to tell you this but the people who were flattering you about your age are unlikely to actually believe that you are 28. When someone asks your age and suggests a number, and they don't wish to offend you, they always deduct a few years from what they think is your real age. If they only wanted to know your age, they would simply ask you. Since they suggest that you look 28, you may safely assume that you look older than 28. They are trying to compliment you, and they would not risk suggesting that you look older than they think you are.
It sounds like a mildly flirtatious thing for someone to say ("How old are you, honey, 18? Hee hee hee"). Since this has happened to you twice in the last week, it suggests that your vanity about age is obvious to people and they use it to flatter you. Don't be too gullible.
>>This is just the female equivalent of the male "I'll call you."<<
I totally agree. It's still BS. :)
I don't do the "I'll call you". If I'm not into a gal, I don't make promises I am not going to keep.
See, here's the thing. I have this crazy notion that if we want the world to change, the only way we can do anything about it is to change OURSELF.
In other words, if women don't like hearing "I'll call you"... if women don't like the dishonesty and lousiness of feeling that way... well, they need to not be dishonest themselves.
Change yourself, change the world.
>>The only difference is that women have evolved to understand that when a man says "I'll call you" it means that he won't.<<
But sometimes we do. When I say it, I do it. :)
Either way, man or woman, we shouldn't lie. If you're not going to call, don't call. If you're not busy but just don't want to go out with me, don't be telling me you're busy- just say "I don't want to go out with you".
It'll save us both time, energy, and heartache in the long run. :)
>>Come on now, NGOL, don't you think that's a lot to ask of a person?<<
What, honesty instead of lying? No, I don't think that's too much to ask of people. But then, I think we established a while back that I'm an idealist. :)
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>>Keep in mind, the fellow will be an unknown at that point. How can I predict how he will take the news?<<
Who cares? Why do you think you're in any way responsible for his behavior? That's his responsibility and/or problem.
There's a line between what you're responsible for and what HE is responsible for, and it's somewhere along the lines of what you say and do and think and feel is up to YOU, and what he says and does and thinks and feels is up to HIM.
Therefore, you are not responsible for it if he acts like an a**clown when you tell him you're not interested.
>>I've heard of lots of guys who didn't appreciate being told that (emails) and harassed the lady.<<
Then that guy is a jerk. Nonetheless, she's an honest and good lady, and can hold her head high while she gets her cousin/ex/hunky neighbor guy to beat the jerk up.
>>Let's pretend you totally agree with me and have changed your opinion. Can you suggest a polite way of getting out of that awkward situation without hurting someone's feelings? I mean, from a guy's point of view.<<
Sure. You don't absolutely have to tell someone in person, but you do have to tell them.
You say something like this: "You know, NGOL, you're a really nice guy with stunning good looks... but for a number of reasons that can't be changed, I just don't see a dating future for us. I know, because you're a good dude, that you'll understand that not everyone is a match for everyone, and I'm not a match for you. Good luck."
Honest, to the point, and direct, without being mean. You don't say "NGOL, you're too old for me, and it's kinda creepy how you had a giant erection tenting out your khakis the entire date."
You just tell the honest truth- that you don't wanna go out anymore- without being nasty about the person. When they ask (and far too many people want to wear a "kick me" sign, and they DO ask) what's wrong with them, you politely demur.
Classy people don't tell someone in that situation what's wrong with them; they simply stick to their guns.
I do think that the jerky stalker types are usually offended by a ham-handed way of telling them "no thanks". If you insult someone or tell them there's something wrong with them, of course they're going to take it bad.
If you simply point out to them that they're not interested in everyone THEY meet, and you're not either, and unfortunately they happen to be someone you're not interested in... I think that most of the time, they'll take it fine, and there won't be any problems.
But again, I'm an idealist. :)
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