One Date Wonder
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| Mon, 06-26-2006 - 9:05pm |
This is mostly just a vent but I'm really frustrated, I know some posters vent about the fact that they can't meet a normal/nice guy from OLD, my problem is the opposite, I meet guys from OLD that I'm very attracted to, we have a great first date with them saying how great a time they had, how they will call me and then....nothing. Its like I can't EVER get past the first date. Seriously, I can't. I have no idea what is going on, the date itself goes well, they'll say at least several times what a great time they're having and they've always offered to pay at the end (which seems odd to me if you don't plan on seeing the girl again and you could easily go dutch as opposed to spending $80 or so on dinner and drinks). I'd rather split the bill and have the guy call me back for a change. The last guy actually said he'd "love" to see me again and of course he hasn't called. He responded to my one email after the date when I sent him the information on a festival, and once again said he had a great time but that was it.
I'm guessing some guys just continuously go on first dates? I'm just frustrated and feel like I'm cursed (at least with dating these days). I know I should just have a good time with it and have no expectations but when you have a good time with someone part of you would like to think they might actually call you and you'll see them again.
I think I'm done with OLD for a while, I think I need to mentally recharge my batteries. Thanks for letting me vent!

I am this place in my life where I want a long term, committed relationship. I have been in relationships since my divorce which I thought it was "good enough" but they did not last. Now I am really focused on trusting my instinct whenever I go out. I have met a lot of GREAT women. I wish I had the time and energy to establish friendships with all of them. I also felt they were not "the one" and therefore I moved on. I do let them know my process about knowing whether to continue or not at the end of the first date so there is no lingering doubt. When I do indicate that "we should get together" then I do a follow up call within the next week or so.
I find we both all have our own lives, routines, schedules so fitting in another date is challenging even if there is an intent to meet. Usually going out again needs to fit into the already scheduled stuff rather than prioritizing it to the top.
Mark
I think its just the whole production of how they say they definitely want to do something again, how much fun they had etc etc, and then never call, that is the most frustrating.
It is good to have a "system" in dating but I think very often, people are usually too quick to assume someone isn't compatible right off the bat. We all have dealbreakers and sometimes there are just no sparks but I find it usually takes more than one date to start getting to know someone. I think this is the problem with Match (and online dating), there's too many options and people just go from one person to the other without really making an effort to get to know someone. Of course there are exceptions as there are success stories (and I know of some personally), I just have a very hard time with it lately. In "old-fashioned" dating (i.e. before 2000 or so, haha), most people weren't meeting 8 different dates in a week and juggling so many other prospects simultaneously. It is great to have so many options but I also think it caters to those who are always looking for the "greener grass" so to speak, particularly with men. I just think (for the most part) if you click with someone, it would be worthwhile to have another date or two and try to get to know them instead of just sending 20 other emails the next day and seeing what bites always waiting for the bigger fish to come along. I think this is the attitude with alot of the guys I meet and probably why I'm not getting past the first date these days.
Maybe I'm jumping the gun a little bit with this other guy, we went out on Thursday, he responded to my email the next day again saying he had a great time and now it is Monday night. I just thought if he wanted to schedule a date this week he would have called by tonight but I'm not going to worry with it after this point, if he calls then he calls and if not it was a fun time and I'll just chalk it up to that despite the tinge of disappointment :-)
Yes, I know all too well that scenario. I've never had a problem with the guy paying for dates since doing OLD, but I'm like you, it baffles me that they can act interested and you seem to have a good "connection" and then nothing. I have also encountered a couple guys who were more interested in me and I was totally not interested in seeing them again. Overall, I would have to say I have met more guys I WAS interested in and then they all fizzled out. One that was very hurtful (at the time) was a guy I dated for about 3 weeks last August. He came on way too strong and it got way too physical too soon. Looking back, I can see that he was not interested in a real long-term relationship and we were definitely NOT a good fit. I was very overwhelmed by the attention though and got caught up in it and was very hurt when he decided that "I" was too serious about him. He contacted me again last Dec. and I was able to rebuff him and sort of got my pay-back for the way he handled things before.
This last guy and I dated for 3 1/2 months which was a long period of time for me. He lived locally and my family loved him and he seemed to like them. We had no problems talking, & I was attracted to him. While not perfect, (there were some issues) I believed I would be with him for years--perhaps eventually even marrying. He had old issues with his ex, but ultimately he went back to the ex in order to make a "custody" issue look good to the judge. It was a complicated mess and he didn't even have the guts to talk to me about his plans before basically vanishing on me. His sister was the one who finally told me what was going on. I did just yesterday get an e-mail apology from him, and I do not look for him to stay with this woman.
However, I continue to run into men who let "life problems" overwhelm them to where they have no room for a relationship and most don't know what the hell they want. I am having to learn and RE-LEARN the fact that men cannot handle too many things going on at once. I am sure I am not the first woman to deal with a man who is fighting an ex on a custody issue. He also had some new health issues (diabetic) to deal with which he did not take well either. He had some things thrown at him that he did not ask for, but he threw away a lot of other good things in his life by making some very bad decisions.
I continue to wonder why things have to go sour for me each time I meet someone I am interested in. I cared a lot about this last guy--I still do, but I am still so full of grief and anguish as to how he could go back to a very bad living situation with little or no thought to me. I am open to meeting others, but for the most part, I am still trying to heal from this last deal.
Welcome to the club! Can I assume you are in Atlanta as well? (smile) Yes, I was the biggest one-date wonder for the longest time! Personally there seems to be a lot of guys who are NOT willing to do the work to build friendships or relationships.
Yes, I've gotten frustrated and have taken breaks from OLD, only to jump back on and see the same OLD guys and still being the One Date Wonder. Difficult at times, but stay positive and remember it's just another avenue (not the only one) for meeting men -- although I must admit the majority of the men I meet come from OLD.
"It is great to have so many options but I also think it caters to those who are always looking for the "greener grass" so to speak, particularly with men."
Both of your posts could have been written, almost verbatim, by me. I have been quoting the above statement for over a year now when it comes to OLD and how men waffle and simply do not know what they want. They can act ga ga over a woman and then suddenly "change their mind" with little reason. They go through women like they are dispensable and there will always be a better one online later. I think that is the real down side of online dating. I get what you are saying, if there is no real connection on THEIR part, then they should not ACT like there is. You can be polite to someone and still let them know that you are not quite a fit. The "phony" act gets old after a while. No wonder many of us have become jaded and bitter about dating in general. We feel led on from the word go most generally.
Many well meaning people tell us to be "open minded" and when we go that route, we decide to broaden our scope of what type of guy we might be interested in. Then low and behold, THEY also turn out much like some of our previous guys we've dated. Their "issues" might be different, but they just do not have the stamina or drive to work at having a relationship. Oftentimes, the woman ends up doing more of the work than she should in the relationship. You come away feeling taken for granted and the men look lazy. Trust me, been there.
All I can say is that I will continue to be cautious when meeting people and dating new guys and TRY not to put myself in the situation of being hurt again. Easier said than done though. :0
The thing is, I don't think the guys I've gone out with are being phony about how they feel or their level of interest, I think they probably have intentions of calling me when they say it and they genuinely have a good time but then they probably get back on Match right away and start cruising for other women. Of course there is nothing wrong with that, we just had one date, but they probably get themselves psyched about something new, and the chase, as opposed to the woman they had a great time with and actually getting to know her. I think it just goes back to what another poster said, about most of them not being willing to put the effort into getting to know you and seeing how compatible you are after that first great meet.
My dates aren't quick 30 minute coffee dates either, they usually go for several hours with the guy initiating staying a little bit longer, they don't initiate anything physical whatsoever so it isn't some ploy in that regard either. I can't say they are jerks or anything, I think they are nice guys, I just wish they took the dating aspect of it a little more seriously instead of an endless string of first meets (they usually elude to having just had first dates with the women they've met online as well, I'm not just assuming that).
Ironically, when I did Match the first time about 5 years ago (when I was younger (24) and so were the guys), I actually had multiple dates with guys regularly. Nowadays, when I'm doing it with guys you'd think might be more willing to settle down or at least take dating a little more seriously, they always disappear after the first meet.
I hear your frustration atl-gal and unfortunately it seems that this is the biggest problem with OLD...people who talk a great game but can't play it. I
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That is so true. They just can't stop, they seem to be addicted to that. It seems to be getting worse and worse all the time.
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Very well put, Michelle!
Edited 6/27/2006 12:39 pm ET by pimbiroo
Quite honestly, I am sick of it and want to settle down with one guy for a change. I think the trick is to find a guy who is "also" sick of the online search game. When you get to be in your 40's, there are fewer women who want to "play the field". What I am finding out is that if men do not want to play the field, then they are not interested in dating at all (not interested in stepping foot into the field).
I had a few e-mails with a guy recently whom I corresponded with last fall/winter. He was the "trucker" guy who was on the road a lot. After getting an e-mail that said he could not handle a "relationship" and his work schedule, I crossed him off. His profile was deleted. Then after many months it was back on there and I sent him a message to see if his work schedule or life was less hectic. We have talked via e-mail a few times, but nothing has changed with his work schedule, although he would like to stay in touch. It doesn't sound like he has time for me or any woman for that matter. I nicely wrote to him that he was short-changing himself and anyone who might be interested in him if he wasn't willing to meet anyone. You have to be willing to make TIME for a relationship. I haven't heard back from him. So, he is crossed off for good this time.