One More Try?
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One More Try?
| Mon, 07-03-2006 - 5:41pm |
So the guy who I went out with on Saturday wants to go out again. I had decided (I thought) against this, but I am wondering if I'm being too negative or picky. He is a nice guy, a gentleman, but just not very interesting. Maybe I am being hasty. Maybe the guy will improve with acquaintance.
I don't want to "use" him though. Is it ethical to go out with someone when you are reasonably sure a friendship will develop? I have never pretended to be looking for a long term relationship, but still...
Elsa
(edited to clarify something)
Edited 7/3/2006 11:55 pm ET by elarisa

Hi Elarisa...
Personally I have a thing with the "friendship" thing. People (us) are on sites to find dates, not friends ya know? So I would say if there is no interest on your part in something more than friends, then trust your guts and move on.
However, if you do feel you've been too picky in the past and think that something could possibly grow out of this then go out with him once more. At worst, you waste a night realizing that your gut was right. At best, you find that he's more interesting than you realized.
Hope this helps.
Kerry
Hi Kerry,
I actually find the pressure on finding "more than a friend" in a few dates a bit troublesome which is why I changed my profile on Match to emphasize friendship. When I was younger, I used to go out with friends who eventually became dates and I sometimes dated guys who eventually became friends.
I wish I could date without the pressure. So many of the guys who've contacted me on Match either seem to have no interest in meeting or seem to want to move to a close relationship fairly soon. It's not really about sex for me but about feeling a sense of closeness. I don't mind investing my time in a couple more dates, but I don't want to lead the guy on.
So I told the guy that I wasn't going to have a lot of time for dating in the near future, but hoped we could remain friends. It seemed kinder than "I am just not that into you."
I hate rejecting people.
Elsa
My apolgies... I didn't realize your profile said you were looking for friends.
I'm curious though (and I'm playing Freud here) why do you worry about rejecting people? Rejection is part of dating, no? I know it's not the nicest thing but rejecting a person is nicer than stringing them along... (and I'm not saying you're doing that...)
Kerry
My profile says that I am looking for activity partners and friends. I explain that I am only recently divorced and I don't want to rush into anything. I have had better resuults with this profile than what I was getting earlier with an ordinary, flirty, "are you the one for me?" profile. My guess is that a lot of men are as uncomfortable as I am with the pressure in OLD to be "romantic" right away.
Regarding rejection, I don't like feeling rejected, so I don't like inflicting that feeling on anyone else. Of course I will do it when needed. I make hiring/appointment decisions at work, and my consideration for other people's feelings only affects how I tell them that they didn't get the appointment, not whether they get it or not.
With dating, I think the ideal scenario is where both people realize that they are not for each other. That way it isn't me telling someone who is attracted that I am not attracted to him or vice versa. I realize that this is not likely to happen very often, so I am trying to make it so that I can reject people as gently as possible.
The problem for me is that if I have fun on a date, I don't mind going out with the guy again even if I don't think it is going to "go anywhere." I realize this is not the same for some guys. Maybe it won't be the same for me, a year from now. So I am trying to be sensitive and not "string along" someone unintentionally.
Anyway, I think I've left it so that this guy will get the hint w/out my having to say anything more. Meanwhile I have one new contact from Match that looks somewhat hopeful.
Elsa
Take it from a guy, men (formerly boys) are quite used to rejection. Ever since we have had to ask a girl (now woman) for a dance, we have only to learn over and over again that not every prospect will say yes. In fact, the shy guys (once they get the courage to ask) are likely to be even more pessisimitic in that they presume to get rejected and are often surprised when a yes is a response. In some ways you ladies have had it easier in that you did not often make the first move. It is your choice to accept/reject a guy's approach.
But....here we are in the 21st century and I think that the modern, independent woman who can/do make the first move now deal with the reality of rejection.
As for being gentle? While there is no reason to be rude, a firm but honest no is much more welcome than "stringing a guy along" in hopes that he'll eventually "get the hint". Consider this, once a guy is interested in you, he may possibly "keep hoping" with that fine thread of a chance that you'll come around.
Imagine a guy that you are smitten with NOT telling you that HE KNEW WEEKS AGO that nothing more than a friendship was expected. How would you feel?
The whole game of dating is a social experience that which we learn both about ourselves as well as others. Look within yourself and know that honesty is the best policy instead of worrying about how he'll take rejection. It's something that he needs to learn sooner or later. Face it, would you think that a guy that can't face rejection be someone you would want to continue with? Certainly some time down the road there is likely to be a disagreement where rejection is the likely outcome. Good luck.
Thanks for your feedback. Just for the record, I didn't say I was stringing him along hoping he'd get the hint. I said that I _didn't want to string him along_ unintentionally.
What I did in the end was turn him down for last weekend and tell him that while I enjoyed his company (and I did) I didn't think that seeing each other every weekend would be a good idea. I think this was truthful and straightforward without having to get into the matter of why I wasn't so excited by/interested in him.
I might have given it one more try except I wasn't sure if that was fair.
Elsa