The One You Never Quite Got Over
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| Wed, 01-25-2006 - 2:48pm |
I know we all have stories from our past that make us what we are today. For the most part, I think a lot of us can look back and see that a guy was not what we thought he was at the time. Hindsight is 20-20, but with that in mind, is there one guy or one dating relationship that ended with you later questioning your ability to ever find someone and maybe questioning just how "desirable" you actually are? The one time you were so sure that the guy was really different and then he bails anyway? (Either online dating or regular dating)
Well here's my story that I don't think I've shared or maybe haven't shared recently. In the fall of 2004, I had finally decided to try to forget once and for all the one guy I had been pursuing for the last several years. We had been friends for a long time and had dated some, but he didn't want anymore than that. My Mom had a plumber/electrician guy (Doug) who took care of her heating/cooling/sink repairs. He was pretty good looking, although kind of short. My family knew several of his relatives. He had been married for a number of years to a woman none of his family liked. It was always sort of a joke between my Mom and I about no decent guys around and that "Doug was still married". When they finally split up in May of 2004, Mom casually mentioned their divorce. Mom wasn't quite sure how to set us up, so in the fall of 2004, I had a sink/toilet that leaked and needed a plumber's expertise. Mom said to call and request that he come and look at it, which I did. Then when he was at Mom's to make a repair for her in between time, she mentioned that I might be calling him, which he replied that he had already talked to me. She added that I thought he was a good looking guy (or something to that affect) to which he smiled happily.
When he came over to my house, he proceeded to fix my sink/toilet and the conversation flowed easier than with any previous guys I'd ever spent any time with. It got to be the dinner hour and I told him I was going to order a pizza and asked if he could stay. He did and seemed happy to have someone to talk to. He left and thanked me for the pizza but did not mention going out or anything. About a week later, my hot water heater springs a leak, which I again call him about. When he comes to fix the heater (which he didn't charge me for), I decided to be bold and ask him to come for a real dinner at my place since we had such a great time talking before. Again, he seemed quite happy that a woman had asked him to dinner (the first time was sort of a spur of the moment as I had not originally planned to ask him to stay for the pizza). Anyway, he comes the following Sun. for the dinner and we again have the best conversation. We know so many of the same people and he was just easy to be around. All was well and good until he eventually leaves (at 11:00 pm I might add). He said "Thanks for dinner..we'll have to do this again sometime" and jumps up and is out the door like I'm going to pounce on him. I sort of stick my head out the door and said "a..call me sometime.." :0 He never mentioned us going to lunch or dinner or getting together at all. What confused me even more was that I know he had a good time talking to me and that he enjoyed the evening. You don't stay until 11:00 pm if you're not having a good time. Although I didn't have much time invested in this one, I did really like him and was attracted to him. I think he knew I had sincere interest in him due to what my Mom said, so why bother to come for dinner if you don't have any intentions of asking the girl out? It was like a free meal and nothing more.
I still harbor resentment for this guy in a different way than any of my past experiences with men. It was quite shocking to me that I had no other contact with him after that. I did finally get a bill for the sink repair but had to call his office in order to have it sent to me again. They had mailed it to my previous address. :0
I told my Mom that she could continue to use his repair services but I'd never call him or anyone who worked with him ever again. I was so humiliated with how he behaved and still wonder how he could even look my Mom in the face after acting so juvenile. I think Mom had him come one time since that ordeal but has since switched companies.
Since that time, I've seen him out with women who are 250 pounds or more. Maybe I just wasn't fat enough for him, but I still do a slow burn when I think about how he acted. Anyway, that's my rant. Now I feel better. :)
Edited 1/25/2006 2:57 pm ET by mitsy2

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I can understand feeling this way about someone who dumped me after dating awhile. I don't understand feeling "completely humiliated" or why you're bashing him after two dinners. He never promised anything. You assumed how he *should* feel about you. Not sure why.
Mitsy - don't take any guy seriously until you're solid in a relationship and know that you can count on him. The world is full of ghosts, liars, players, cheaters and less than honorable people. This guy isn't one of them. He didn't use you or lie to you or anything like that. He accepted a couple invitations and that was it. Who cares who he is dating now? Are women who weigh 250 not worth dating? It wasn't a match for whatever reason. Time to move on and let it go. It should not bother you this much for this long. Worth looking into why.
Edited 1/26/2006 5:40 am ET by ridecowboyride
I don't think this is so much about him, but the actual rejection that's hard to get over. Some guys are not interested in forming a relationship, but could always use a friend. And if he was someone you knew for awhile ,even just through family, he may had already considered you a friend.
What's really bothering is the women doing the pursuing. I fall in this category and thinking that this may be a big red flag.
Sending the icebreaker.
Initiate email conversation.
Ask if he would like to call me.
After weeks of chatting asking to get together for a meet.
Inviting the guy for drinks or dinner.
Now, from what I heard, guys want to do the pursuing. This plumber-guy already knew you were interested in him through your Mom. You asked him to stay for dinner. You asked him to call you. You're doing the chasing.
Do you think that guys want the mystery of wondering "Hmmm... I wonder if she likes me? I wonder if she'd go out with me?"
Maybe, leave one subtle hint that you "may" be interested and leave it up to him whether he wants to pursue.
This way you're not wasting your time, or getting your hopes up, on something that may or may not happen.
I was humiliated because a guy doesn't accept a dinner invitation unless he is actually interested in the woman. He already knew me, so it wasn't like a blind date either. He also knew that it was rude to come to a dinner and then never call again. I mean does he need a meal that bad? Me thinks not. He knew BEFORE he accepted the invitation that this was a woman who would probably expect to be asked out later. You simply make an excuse as to why you can't come if you truly are not interested. There was no misunderstanding here.
You can point fingers if you wish, but if this had happened to any of you and you had any interest in the guy, you probably would not be so quick to decide that my feelings were wrong on this one. Amazing how when it's "someone else's" situation we can say how someone should or should not feel about it and just "get over it". Isn't so easy when the shoe is on the other foot though, is it?
Edited 1/26/2006 9:29 am ET by mitsy2
I think you make some good points, and I think the one poster also made a good point about him not being over the divorce yet--another friend of mine mentioned that as well. However, even though we knew each other, I can't even call him a "friend". A "friend" would eventually call or mention going to lunch or something. And it wasn't so much that I "wanted" him. That wasn't it at all. It was the fact that he acted interested and we got along so well and then he disappears. Another case of a guy leading you to believe one thing and then doing another. This guy knew what was expected here, so if he was not interested then he should have declined the dinner invitation. I have set back for years and never bothered to pursue anyone hoping that someone I'm interested in might ask me out. Ain't happened. Sometimes you need to be a bit bold and do the asking. I felt like he might have felt awkward, thus the dinner invitation which he accepted.
And maybe some guys get into heavy women--I still don't really get that one. Guess that's OK--I think that last one outweighed him by at least 100 pounds. However, his behavior showed his true colors. There are more fish in the sea, but I had reason to feel bad about this at the time and will forever feel like a fool for wasting my time cooking a meal for him.
I honestly think it had more to do with his divorce, maybe he thought he was ready to be dating again but once in the situation realized he really wasn't. People ghost all the time, it's rude yes, but there really isn't anything you can do about it.
As far as some men liking bigger girls, you don't have to get it, everyone has their preferences.
Oh but the shoe has been on the other foot and sometimes way worse than this. An example: last summer an old bf and I reconnected. We spent three months remembering the good ole days, learning new things about each other, and talking about if we should hook up again or not. Long story short I bought the plane ticket that brought him across country to find out if we were compatible again or not. The guy who was here was not the guy on the phone all those months or even the guy I had dated five years previously. There was no compatibility whatsoever. And guess what? He was supposed to pay me back for the plane ticket and I've never seen dime one.
I'm pissed about the money not about it not working out with him. But there's nothing I can do about it (hard pill to swallow) and I'll never see it. Am I sad it didn't work out? No. Am I sad I don't have that friendship anymore? Not really. He's an even more selfish, emotional (worse than any chick I've met) person now. Took alot out of me to be around him. I was ready for him to leave the second day he was here. Did I have high hopes? Certainly. That's why it's my own fault for paying and going to a lot of work to make sure he had a good time here.
I wish I had only made him dinner a couple times.
My heart aches for your story. Apparently he didn't appreciate your generosity or hospitality. How some men can sleep at night is beyond me. I think what bothers me the most about some of my own past situations and the ones I've read about on this website is the fact that a lot of the time, the guy KNOWS he's behaved badly. I would tend to not be surprised by bad behavior from someone in their 20's, but not someone who is well into their 30's or 40's. I realize there is no magic number for maturity, but the reality seems to be that many men seem to suffer no consequences for showing such bad form and selfish behavior towards women. That is the thing I cannot resolve in my mind.
With my plumber guy, it was more about me having "lost face" (as the Chinese say) than actually wanting to date him. I felt embarrassed about the whole thing when he never called again. I felt taken advantage of, even though it was to a lesser degree than your situation. I could not believe any guy (especially plumber guy) would come for dinner and conversation and enjoy the evening and never reciprocate in any way. If I never had to see this guy again, it might lessen some of the sting, but this is a small town, and I see him out semi-regularly at different places. I pretend to not see him, but every time I get angry all over again about his behavior towards me. The fact that my Mom thought a lot of him and was close with this guy's aunt only makes it more awkward when I do run into him.
I guess we can only live and learn. I guess you can be thankful that you don't run into this guy if he doesn't live near you. That is one of the pitfalls of living in a town of less than 20,000. :0
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