The One You Never Quite Got Over
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| Wed, 01-25-2006 - 2:48pm |
I know we all have stories from our past that make us what we are today. For the most part, I think a lot of us can look back and see that a guy was not what we thought he was at the time. Hindsight is 20-20, but with that in mind, is there one guy or one dating relationship that ended with you later questioning your ability to ever find someone and maybe questioning just how "desirable" you actually are? The one time you were so sure that the guy was really different and then he bails anyway? (Either online dating or regular dating)
Well here's my story that I don't think I've shared or maybe haven't shared recently. In the fall of 2004, I had finally decided to try to forget once and for all the one guy I had been pursuing for the last several years. We had been friends for a long time and had dated some, but he didn't want anymore than that. My Mom had a plumber/electrician guy (Doug) who took care of her heating/cooling/sink repairs. He was pretty good looking, although kind of short. My family knew several of his relatives. He had been married for a number of years to a woman none of his family liked. It was always sort of a joke between my Mom and I about no decent guys around and that "Doug was still married". When they finally split up in May of 2004, Mom casually mentioned their divorce. Mom wasn't quite sure how to set us up, so in the fall of 2004, I had a sink/toilet that leaked and needed a plumber's expertise. Mom said to call and request that he come and look at it, which I did. Then when he was at Mom's to make a repair for her in between time, she mentioned that I might be calling him, which he replied that he had already talked to me. She added that I thought he was a good looking guy (or something to that affect) to which he smiled happily.
When he came over to my house, he proceeded to fix my sink/toilet and the conversation flowed easier than with any previous guys I'd ever spent any time with. It got to be the dinner hour and I told him I was going to order a pizza and asked if he could stay. He did and seemed happy to have someone to talk to. He left and thanked me for the pizza but did not mention going out or anything. About a week later, my hot water heater springs a leak, which I again call him about. When he comes to fix the heater (which he didn't charge me for), I decided to be bold and ask him to come for a real dinner at my place since we had such a great time talking before. Again, he seemed quite happy that a woman had asked him to dinner (the first time was sort of a spur of the moment as I had not originally planned to ask him to stay for the pizza). Anyway, he comes the following Sun. for the dinner and we again have the best conversation. We know so many of the same people and he was just easy to be around. All was well and good until he eventually leaves (at 11:00 pm I might add). He said "Thanks for dinner..we'll have to do this again sometime" and jumps up and is out the door like I'm going to pounce on him. I sort of stick my head out the door and said "a..call me sometime.." :0 He never mentioned us going to lunch or dinner or getting together at all. What confused me even more was that I know he had a good time talking to me and that he enjoyed the evening. You don't stay until 11:00 pm if you're not having a good time. Although I didn't have much time invested in this one, I did really like him and was attracted to him. I think he knew I had sincere interest in him due to what my Mom said, so why bother to come for dinner if you don't have any intentions of asking the girl out? It was like a free meal and nothing more.
I still harbor resentment for this guy in a different way than any of my past experiences with men. It was quite shocking to me that I had no other contact with him after that. I did finally get a bill for the sink repair but had to call his office in order to have it sent to me again. They had mailed it to my previous address. :0
I told my Mom that she could continue to use his repair services but I'd never call him or anyone who worked with him ever again. I was so humiliated with how he behaved and still wonder how he could even look my Mom in the face after acting so juvenile. I think Mom had him come one time since that ordeal but has since switched companies.
Since that time, I've seen him out with women who are 250 pounds or more. Maybe I just wasn't fat enough for him, but I still do a slow burn when I think about how he acted. Anyway, that's my rant. Now I feel better. :)
Edited 1/25/2006 2:57 pm ET by mitsy2

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Your situation is unfortunate, but I think you have to try not to take it so personally. Yes, chances are he wasn't over the divorce yet but, here is what I think is the fundamental problem of when women ask out men. Guys always complain about doing the asking and say they wish that women would ask them, but when they ARE asked they don't know how to handle it.
You stated "why would he accept if he wasn't interested?" People do that ALL THE TIME. Especially guys, I think. They know how hard it is to ask someone out and so when a woman gets up the nerve to ask him out, whether he's interested or not, he'll more than likely say yes 1) because he doesn't know what else to say 2) because he knows it was tough for you to ask 3) because he probably DOES want to see if an attraction might be there 4) to see if you might put out! So he said yes to your dinner invitation - maybe he was being polite. He was new to the dating scene again and maybe he just didn't know how to say no. Sure, he was being a chicken, but I have been on a date or two with guys that I really had no interest in but since I hate confrontation and hate to "hurt" people, sometimes I'll say yes even though I don't want to. I know now that makes it worse so I am trying to be better about saying no when I want to say no. But maybe he wasn't interested from the first and didn't know how to say so.
Yes, it sucks that one of your first ventures into asking a guy out worked out so badly. But I think it boils down to the fact that women shouldn't ask men out at this early stage. If he were interested, he'd do a little pursuing or make it obvious he was interested in getting to know you better. After your first pizza dinner, he really didn't do any of that. Now I have learned that's a sign of lack of real interest. It's a "He's Just Not That Into You". We women make excuses for these guys of why they don't call or ask us out - "he's shy, he's going through a divorce, he didn't know I was interested". Honestly, it doesn't matter. If he's available (emotionally, mentally and physically), and interested, he'll make an effort to ask YOU or to make sure YOU know it. It seems like this guy wasn't. He ended with the "Chandler-esque" "Hey, I had a great time! I'll call ya!" with his "We should do this again" without being specific of an actual other tiem. Guys are as clueless as we are and he said what he thought he SHOULD say when he ended the date and thought he was letting you down easy. Sure, it was cowardly to not call, but ghosting happens all the time. It sucks but you just have to deal with it.
Yes, kitty, I think you are right on a number of points. Maybe they don't know how to say "no" when asked, but I am quite good at getting out of things that I don't care to go to (not necessarily all dates, but other functions I don't want to attend). Maybe I blindly assume that guys know how to do that as well. What stumped me with this guy was the apparent "interest" that was shown by him--that much couldn't be faked so easily. A guy doesn't stick around until 11 pm if he is just there to be polite, so I don't buy that part of it. I would much rather him tell me he was going to be tied up with work, with projects for his grandpa, or some other excuse rather than to accept if he truly didn't want to. He also could have left much earlier but didn't.
What is also interesting about this deal with Doug is that I have pointed him out to a couple co-workers at the store (he was there doing plumbing work when our store was being remodeled). Although I thought he was a good looking guy (short, but reminded me of Michael J. Fox), both co-workers took a look at him and said "I think you can do better". I guess what is attactive is really subjective. Maybe they aren't Michael fans. :0
Great post, everybody! I'd like to respond to two themes: asking guys out and feeling rejected (boy, have I been there!). Mitsy, I am not trying to say how you should think or (God forbid!) feel about this, just sharing my experiences. I have done the asking 3 times -- didn''t work, but I developed great friendships with these men, and am good friends with them to this day! I failed to do it once: and regret it! Two years down the road this man and I hooked up at a party and ended up together for 7.5 years! (he admitted he thought I was WAY oout of hisleague! -- imagine!
The asking out stories;
#1 my early 20's -- a friend, thought I was getting some" I care for you vibes" (he would come pick me from the lbirary -- we were in college -- bring me my favorite pastry... thought he was showing interest; asked him out several times: nothing happened, I realized he was just seeing me as a friend (we did spend a lot of alone time though). Got over it: did admit to my feelings (he is extremely shy), and he defnitely was impressed that "somebody like me could find him attractive". We became even closer after the ättraction part" was cleared. Right now, I am actually closer to his girlfriend.Love to have him in my life.
#2 mid 20's -- I asked him out, he asked me out in return... we would play tennis together, etc. Obviously no chemistry on his part (but , I was too young to figure it out...), so I go for a kiss to hear "I like you a lot but not this way". Great we stayed friends. When he started dating the woman he married, I realized he is looking for somebody totally different than me (not in terms of appearance, necessarily -- we are both equally äverage") Just last year he told me (driving me back from their house) that he broke up with the girlfriend he had before he met his wife because: "we were both very inert, somewhat passive"; my wife always pushes me to be my best!" Wow, I thought, that's it: it is not about me being rejected, it is about what he needs: to some people his wife actually comes across as a demanding and controlling (well, she made him basically change career paths, among other things), but this is what he wants, and he thrives on it. This was a revelation! Had I not made the effort to have him in my life, I would have never known this. I love spending time with both of them and their 2 year old.
# 3 pretty much like # 2 (except for the wife part: he is still single. But we have the best Venus/Mars conversations possible. Honestly, I have learned more about "the mysteries of the male mind"by having close friendships with men, than by being in relationships (wierd, I know!)
Actually there is a #4 (online dating) in 2004 ; I emailed him first, and I did ask him out...he claims also that I seduced him ;) . We had a 6 months relationship -- didn't work out b/se he realize he could not really be in a relationship (the red flag was there : at the age of 34 he never had had one, but sometimes I can be so "open minded that my brains fall out!!!! I hang out with him and his friends from time to time...
So, to recap: I have done it, and will continue doing it (the asking out):well, I know, everybody on the board will lokk at my posts and say: "But why, it hasn't worked for you?" I don't think so: dating (and even more rleationships) is about taking risks,and I personally, honestly believe that the farther away from traditional gender roles we are, men and women included, the happier we can be.
Who cares what other people think about him? Does it make you feel better that they don't find him attractive? Big deal. You did. I think it's awful that you're bashing this guy because HE WASN'T THAT INTO YOU. He just got divorced for cryin' out loud. So he had a couple dinners and some conversation at your place. Sure he could have been your friend or something after but if you're this intense 2 YEARS LATER, I wonder what you were like with him then? Probably scared the bejesus out of him.
And one more comment about him dating big women or lowlifes and I'm gonna scream. It's none of your beeswax who he dates. So what if it's a small town. The guy that came out to visit me was from a small town also and I lived in that area for 12 years. We have the same friends. If you don't think I hear about him even though I'm not there, you are wrong. I don't care who he dates. I don't care how fat they are, how skinny they are or if they are pond scum. I am not missing anything! Except $500 which I will never see.
You got off easy. I wish you'd see that. Plenty of people get taken for far worse.
What bothers you more -- that he wasn't interested in you or that he chose a fat chick instead of you?
I mean, really, have you never ever met a guy before who ended up simply not interested in you? How is this "rejection"? Because he didn't do Exactly what you wanted him to do?
I'll tell you what your post sounded like to me -- like a guy who says, "Gee, I bought her dinner, I gave her a few laughs, I TOLD her I liked her shoes. And then I don't get laid after all of that?? WTF?"
So sorry, girlfriend, your tale of woe really pales in comparison to what some women go through. Try again.
amjay
Edited 1/28/2006 1:44 am ET by amjay45
Edited 1/29/2006 7:53 am ET by ridecowboyride
Hello Everyone -
Please consider your words carefully before you post - please direct your comments to the topic of the discussion, rather than to personal judgments/comments about individuals who are in the discussion.
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